All I Want (vulquinn)

Wild

May 23rd, 1994 4:47 p.m.

Neat rows of fold out chairs were occupied in the cafeteria of Monsignor High. Boys sat quietly in their chairs as Murr concluded his valedictorian speech and an uproar of applause slowly filled the room as he stepped down from the pedestal. Row after row, names were called, diplomas handed out, and parents shouted with unfiltered joy for their children. They soon were released out and officially free from the shackles of high school and sent off to pursue the challenges of the real world.

A small group of 4 friends gather around each other outside the doors of a now quiet and empty cafeteria,  laughing, hugging, and joking amongst each other. The group of friends contained Joe, Murr, Q, and Sal. They tease each other about how they all thought the other was gonna fail and how they're surprised they managed to survive all the way through to the end. Smiles wide and hopes high they share their fondest memories and watch as fellow classmates and people disperse and pile into their cars to leave, a sign to them that it's getting later and later into the evening.

"You guys wanna come over to my place tonight to celebrate? My parents are letting me have the run of the place for the night and all my sisters are gonna be out too!" Sal exclaims with adrenaline still sinking into his nerves from finally having his diploma in his grasp.

"Well if none of your sisters are there, count me out." Joe lightly hits Sal on his shoulder and got the reaction he wanted: a sinister sneer and a glare that read simply as death to Joe. "I'm kidding buddy and you know it. I got dinner tonight with my parents and family, no way am I getting out of it." Joe says smiling with a slight sadness in his eyes that he can't go out to celebrate with his friends.

"Yeah, same here. My parents invited a boat load of relatives over and as much as I wish I could escape the interrogating questions they all will have waiting for me in regards to my future plans, I can't." Murr chimes in and he itches at the back of his neck as he sheepishly smiles.

Sal turns to his last friend knowing he'll have him on his side for the night.

"Is that even a question? Let's party tonight dude! Me and you." Q wraps an arm around Sal's neck and brings him in. Sal felt his heart hit the pavement in that moment and he felt dizzy.

It had been blooming and looming feelings within the secrets spaces of Sal's heart. Hidden inside were the seeds of an aching passion that had planted within the arteries of Sal's emotions, a fixation and desire to have Q. The feelings had started mildly: small butterflies in his stomach, a desire to impress him in any way he could, compliments seeming as grand as gold stars on a young child's report card. As time progressed though, so did the feelings. Sal had reached a point where nothing would bring him greater joy than to just have a small sample taste of what Q's lips were like. The way Q had looked at him sometimes made it feel as though his legs were going to give out or like his heart was going to fall out of his chest. He had built up a fantastical world in his mind's imagination of just living out a life beyond high school with Q never leaving his side.

He internalized each thought, never once exposing them to the outside world. Instead, he stood aside and watched his crush swoon woman after woman with his effortless charm. It made his heart ache to watch girls do everything he wanted to with Q. It made his soul cry to have to sit there and fake a smile as Q rambles on about his sexual and intimate encounters with whoever he was seeing. It was all agony, but he didn't want to scare Q away. He feared that if he exposed all he had inside, if he offered a piece of himself that was so sacred to the boy he loved, he would be rejected and seen as nothing but a deviant to Q or worse, lose one of the closest friends he had that truly understood him.

The seemingly endless branches of timelines, scenarios, and possibilities made Sal feel sick to his stomach. He could never pin down a precise idea of how things could potentially play out if he were to go through with confessing all he had bouncing around his mind. It all made him so severely anxious and it was a mental battle that he had to front alone, but the pain only made him desire a happy ending more. But for now, he remained dormant and waited for a sign from someone or something bigger than him to give him a green light that everything would be okay.