All I Want (vulquinn)

Blue Moon

April 22nd, 1999 10:24

Q's feet were getting him to point B as fast as humanly possible. He didn't bother getting in his car knowing he had something to drink. Though slightly intoxicated, he wasn't stupid and didn't want to lose this reunion opportunity he had been craving more than he cared to admit.

This was secretly one of his grandest fantasies to come true. For a while he had believed that this feeling that hydrated his senses would simply disappear and drain away, leaving a vacant hole awaiting to be filled by someone new he could love. But every time he was with someone, when they held hands, when they spent the night together, when they kissed, all he could think about was Sal. He compared them all to him, even without realizing it. He could almost say he was obsessed with Sal. He dreamt of how they would finally see each other again, how it would play out, each and every detail. He had so much time alone to dream of it that it soon made him sick. It only played into his failing mental health, it ruined all of his relationships, but he didn't know how to fix a heart that was so broken, so far gone, so hopelessly in love with someone who seemed to be eradicated out of his life.

For a while he was even mad at his former lover. He was mad that he didn't just run away with him. He cursed him, called him selfish for breaking his heart. Disappearing without a trace. Not even so much as a phone call. No texts. No emails. Nothing. Not even to Joe and James. That's when he got even madder. Not only did Sal hurt him, he's making two of his best friends worry sick. At one point they were all just convinced he was dead. Thinking about that made everything hurt so much more. The idea that not even a single chance for closure is in sight made it feel as though the room was spinning and a hole opened up in his stomach that nauseated him. But after a while, he remembered all Sal had said to him when he was the one that disappeared.

"How do you not hate me?

"How could I?"

That's when he knew he couldn't be mad anymore. This was something neither of them could have predicted. This wasn't his choice. Who knew what could have happened had Sal put up a fight, had he run away with Q. It wouldn't have surprised him if he got in trouble for 'kidnapping' Sal. The coin had then flipped. Sal wasn't being selfish. He was just trying to find an easy way out that wouldn't result in any scratches, any emotional, mental, or physical damage. Heaven knows that could have been far worse.

Q cursed Sal's dad who had so mindlessly sent away the one good, constant thing he had in his life, the one thing that was helping him out of the pit he saw himself half in half out of. Though it was another fantasy, all he wanted to do was tell off his dad. He imagined each and every swear word, insult, and curse he could. How his dad would do nothing but curl up and shrivel under the power of his words. It was all he could think of every time he just so happened to pass by his house. But something stopped him every time. Maybe it was respect, maybe a mild fear of what his dad could do, and even moreso: the potential of disappointing his parents and ruining whatever connections he had left to Sal.

That's when he started blaming himself. Maybe if he wasn't so stupid, so selfish, so scared of his own emotions, so blind to everything that was happening around him then Sal would still be with him. He went into a spiral about everything. If he had just been honest the first time around about all of his emotions he would have been fine. He wouldn't have gone to college with a need to change his entire identity, he wouldn't have been friends with the gross people he was friends with at college, he wouldn't have had that negative encounter at the fair, Sal wouldn't have gone away. It felt like weights were tied to his ankles and he was sinking in deeper. All of his emotions grew like weeds and suffocated all that was good. It plunged him deep into his depression and he felt prisoner to it with no chance of escape.