Sick, Slyvia

1

      As the time tickling and as the day flip to other day, I feel nothing but being weak. Pakiramdam ko ay manhid na ang buong katawan ko. I can't even stand firmly nor moving properly.

It's been a long time ng malaman ng pamilya ko ang tungkol sa kondisyon ko. Mommy cried and I hate that. But Dad was there to catch and cheer us up. Just like me, he may be look strong but he's dying alone. So, I want to pull them into a hug but I can't.

"Via, do you feel better? Okay ka lang diba? Hindi ka naman naniniwala sa mga sinasabi nila diba? You have to fight, baby. Okay? Don't you dare to leave us alone." Ani ni Mommy. She shed her teary eyes.

"Victoria. Our daughter is doing fine. Under recovery na siya diba? The only thing we must and we can is praying hard. And Via, fighting."

Araw-araw kong naririning ang salitang 'laban' kahit na araw na lamang ang bibilangin namin. My doctor told us how severe my cancer is. At kung paanong mas lalo itong nagiging severe ng dahil sa TB.

And my five days countdown - started today.

Ayoko mang paniwalaan subalit ang katawan ko na mismo ang gustong bumitaw. Ayoko mang iwan sila gaya ng hiling ni Mommy, katawan ko na ang umaayaw. Gusto kong lumaban pero nahihirapan na din ako. Hirap na hirap.

Hanggang tingin na lamang ang kaya kong gawin para sa kanila. I have this tube connected to my nose. I have these supporting oxygen tank. And I have this noisy apparatus beside me. Halos tatlong taon ko na din silang kasa-kasama at nagsasawa na ako.

Though I can speak, rarely, I still choose to silence myself. Why? Simply because I'm not use to give them hope. I don't want to see them rosing up their hope.

Pare-pareho lang kaming mahihirapan.

"Via, we're excited to celebrate your nineteenth birthday." That was Dad. Sa tingin ko ay pinapagaan niya lamang ang paligid. Tensyonado kasi kaming tatlo.

As for my answer, I look at him.

"You should be excited too, Via. Remember Axl? Siguradong makikisalo ulit siya sa atin."

Oo nga pala, I forgot about Axl. Bakit? Because I focus on how to take care of myself. How to hide my sick without them knowing. How I wish he's here.

Sa tuwing iniisip ko ang nakaraan ay lalo lamang akong nasasaktan. Parang lalo kong pinapabigat ang aking dinadala. But I was curious about his sudden change. I want to know that lame reason he's saying.

"Victoria, ano ka ba naman. Alam mo namang tatlong taon ng wala yung tao. Mag-focus nalang tayo sa pagpapagaling ni Via." Ani Daddy.

Habang nakatingin kay Daddy ay nakikita ko ang pagbabago ng kanyang emosyon. Kanina lamang ay lungkot ang nakapaloob dito. Pero ngayon ay nauulinagan ko ang galit. Galit siya? Bakit? Kanino?

Hindi man ako ganoong ka-aware sa nangyari noon, pakiramdam ko ay mayroon akong hindi nalalaman. Pakiramdam ko ay may mali. May mali kay Mommy. May mali din kay Daddy. At may mali sa nakaraan.

I try to reach his hand. My hand shaken a bit dahil manhid na ang bawat parte ng katawan ko.

"Yes anak? May problema ba? May masakit ba sayo? Come on, tell me. Tell us. It's been years anak, bakit hindi mo subukang magsalita?" My Dad is now pleasing me.

A tear escape. Sa pareho kong mata ay bumuhos ang aking luha. Hindi ko na mapigilang hindi maging emosyon. It's because I'm near to bid my sweet and good goodbye.

Dad wipe out my tears. He hush me but I just can't stop myself. I cannot.

"Anak, wag kang umiyak. Ilang beses ko ng sinabi sayo na 'Once you cry, you're giving up. Because those tears mean you already accepting anything.' So please, wag mong ipakitang umiiyak ka dahil di namin kaya. At hindi pa kami handa."

Dahil sa sinabing iyon ni Daddy ay lalo akong umiyak. Tulad ko ay ganoon din si Mommy. We're all under this emotional breakdown.

"Lumaban ka, Slyvia anak. Don't leave Mommy behind."

I was holding both of my parents hand. And I look at them intently as my mind speak.

"That's exactly the reason why I cry. Because after those hurtful years, I already accept the fact that I'm dying. Hindi man sa mga oras na ito pero pagkatapos ng limang araw ko sa mundo." I then bitterly smile on my own.

At tulad ng nangyayari ngayon, umiiyak ako, dahil totoong tanggap ko na ang pagtatapos ko.

-사랑, 덴니비에.😚