The Romanov Diary

Chapter fifteen

March 13, 1918

Alexei is still very sick. He stays in bed day and night, drifting back and forth between reality and unconsciousness. His grunts and whines sometimes travel between the rooms, making the house sound like a haunted mansion with ghosts in pain . Alexandra has fallen ill again, suffering from migraines, swollen legs and constant hypochondria and stress. Olga and Tatiana take turns to look after their brother and mother. Ella and Ophelia help by keeping them company while they can and deliver them tea and soup. Nicholas tries to help by keeping Anastasia and Maria calm and occupied. Because of Alexei's failing health, their studies have taken a break and the children are as bored as ever. Theo and Milo continous to work with guarding the area, keeping the house warm and protecting the imperial family. The temperatures have gone up a little bit, but the icing cold is still crawling inside of the skin, down to the centre of the bone marrow. Sometimes, they crawl up to a corner and share their body warmth with each other.

The family was supposed to move this week, but the war has ruined the railroad so the train wasn't able to leave. Since the revolution in March, the railroads have pretty much been closed off and only left for special occasions. The family still doesn't know that their time left in Tobolsk is limited, and Milo and his friends agreed to not tell them until they know when they will be moved for sure. News can arrive any day now, and they're all waiting for something to happen.

The girls' hair issues got worse as the week passed by. Eventually, they looked like shaved dogs but as if the razor stopped working in the middle of the procedure. Dr. Botkin diagnosed them with stress, and Olga with another relapse of her depression, which caused their hair to fall off. The lack of protein in their food hasn't done anything in favor of them either.

They're sitting on their knees on the floor in their room. The curtains are drawn over the windows, candles are lit and the lights are on. The rug has been moved from the floor and the girls' knees sit directly onto the wooden floor. Their long lost sparkling beauty has faded away. They don't look like grand duchesses anymore, but as normal people. Olga silently cries and releases a few tears as Anna takes out a scissor and a razor together with Botkin.

They have to shave it all off. Everything.

Milo and Theo stand by the door. They were ordered to make sure that no secret business was happening inside of the room, but in reality they're there as a comfort for the girls. Alexei is there too. He's still sick and very weak, but he wanted to shave his head as well in solidarity with his sisters. Maria lets out a single tear as Anna begins with her head. The thick auburn strings of hair silently falls to the floor, but when Maria sees these it sounds like explosions to her. Her hair and her eyes have always been her favorite parts of herself. It's a part of her identity, her beauty. "What if Theo won't find me beautiful anymore?" She thinks for herself as her scalp gets more and more hairless.

After Maria it's Anastasia's turn. She's cut her hair before and she knows that it usually grows back relatively fast, so she's not afraid. There are hats and scarfs that can cover it up, it will be fine. Tatiana and Olga share Maria's sorrow. Olga cries vividly while Tatiana sits in silence with a growing lump in her stomach. Tatiana's done it before too, but she remembers the shame she felt last time at the age of thirteen and wishes to never experience it again, but here she is. Alexei doesn't care too much about his own hair, but feels empathy for his sisters.

After what felt like hours, the five Romanov children sit in a row on the floor with their precious hair around them on the floor. Their eyes are puffy, cheeks rosy and lips red from biting marks. Botkin hangs up a blanket over their bodies and snaps a photograph of their bold and traumatised faces. Anastasia sits to the far left. Her freckles and earrings almost look even more noticeable without the hair. Olga sits to her right, between Anastasia and Alexei. She tries to look unbothered for the picture, but it's not easy. Maria does the same. And Tatiana, who sits to the far right, looks broken. Alexei doesn't look too bothered, he chose this. But the girls almost feel molested. When Botkin and Anna leave after cleaning up the room, Milo and Theo walk up to the girls who have risen from the cold floor.