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Chapter 4

Jr high was rough. We started homeschooling and my dad got stationed to Virginia. The first place that wasn't California his entire career. My step moms family, including her 2 oldest kids, lived in Phoenix and we made trips out there pretty often. So it was hard on all of us moving that far away.

I can look back on those times now and empathize with her so much being a parent that's isolated from family and friends myself. It's fucking rough. And I know that had to effect her coping skills.

We fought all time. I developed pretty bad anxiety because I got in trouble so much & also developed an ulcer back in 6th grade. That sucked and I ALWAYS had stomach aches from stress & anxiety.

I can honestly say we probably hated each other.

My mom was always overweight. My step mom and sisters are beautiful tiny Hispanic women. Growing up I remember their pant sizes ranged from 0-4.
And I was this short, thick white girl with a big ol' booty whose weight fluctuated often and more often than not my pant size was double digits.
My step mom pointed out at an early age, I think I was 11 or 12 the first time, that I needed to watch what I ate if I didn't wanna be big like my mom. She monitored my food & no one else's , bought me exercise tapes, made me feel guilty when I would go to get a snack or when there was desserts at functions she was always in my ear like; "are you sure you need that?" That in turn started my habit of sneaking food. Because she made food such a big deal I felt shame and guilt when I was hungry. So I snuck it and of course would get in trouble for that too.
**Eating disorder & unhealthy relationships with food has entered the chat**
**Self esteem, Self worth and confidence has left THE BUILDING**👋🏽

I literally always felt like I was walking on eggs shells constantly. It didn't matter what I did I would always be doing something wrong. Whether it was sucking at math or eating too much. Or asking to do things like paint my nails, color my hair, pick out my own underwear, wear a 2 piece bathing suit etc.
She treated those requests like I was asking to hit up a strip club. She always made me feel shameful and unworthy of anything.
And maybe it's just me but I feel like when you're constantly anxious around someone especially as a child you tend to fuck up even more.

As I got older and my parents found Jesus the guilt, shame, control & fear using religion really amped up.
I was always shamed for liking certain things. Especially music. In my prime pubescent years I
had a huge crush on Justin Timberlake. I would save photos from magazines, get excited for the music videos to come on & albums to be released etc like every other girl my age & she would shame me for being lustful. I would get grounded off of listening to music constantly because she thought I wasn't a strong enough Christian to handle listening to secular music.
All of this developed the guilt and shame towards sexuality for me. You didn't talk about sex, you shouldn't think about sex, I felt like I couldn't have crush's, I definitely never dated or anything like that.
And having urges to masterbate, oh god I was terrified I would burst into flames. Even when I thought about wanting to please myself I would get such bad anxiety I would sometimes puke from the stomach pain.
I felt like everyone noticed how our relationship was but anytime anyone ever said anything my step mom would get super pissed off. The two times my oldest step sister defended me she got slapped.
Her parents, my nana & tata, even offered to take me in one time that I know of because our relationship was so toxic.

Her family ALWAYS treated me like blood from the moment I met them. They were so amazing, I don't even like using the label "step" because to me they were just family & the only family I knew from age 7 and on.

If I remember correctly we only spent two years in Virginia. We moved back to So. Cal for awhile. Things remind toxic between my step mom and I. When it was time to move again my middle (but older) sister moved to Phoenix with my niece. That was hard. After that it was just me and my little brother and we moved up north so my dad could attend the Naval Post Graduate School in Monterey.

Monterey ended up being pretty bittersweet. Even though our relationship was still shitty as hell I was 16 and got a job & my parents enrolled me at the local community college to finish most of my junior and senior year away from home.
In 11th grade they actually enrolled me at the local high school first because my step mom was so tired of dealing with me & my dad was tired of being the monkey in the middle. But it was only for a semester and then I think they realized that I could attend the community college and still get the high school credit.
Working was my favorite though, I would pick up extra shifts anytime I could to get out of the house. I never saw any of my checks. My step mom would give me money here there to buy things I needed like pads and deodorant. But to this day I have no idea what happened to the money I made working there for 2 years while living at home.
Of course I met people and made friends too. If I wasn't at work or school we were at church. I met people there too and going to youth group on Wednesday was basically all I ever did socially.