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Part 7

The few years of my life from 2003-2006 are kind of a jumble. There was a lot of trauma, events & alcohol abuse in this era on my part.
I have been trying to sit with and untangle (for lack of a better word) these memories time wise all weekend. And the following chapter is the best that I could do.
If you are part of this story and things are a little mixed up, I have to ask you to show me some grace. And I welcome you to reach out to me.

We got back to Monterey and I almost immediately got my job back at Target, only I was working in the Photo Lab now and wearing a black shirt instead of red. I liked it LOL. I can't even explain to you how freeing it was to walk into work knowing I was going to actually see my paychecks and that I was never going to dread getting off and going home.
My friend had an extra bedroom that she allowed me to turn into my own. I'd never had that before. Looking back now I feel like she wanted me to experience everything I missed out on, you know a normal life not ruled by religion, fear, control and shame. She never asked for anything of me. Well, I helped out with the kiddos when she needed me too and cleaned. But not rent or any type of financial help.
As an adult I look back now on all of the friends that helped me and I feel like a complete piece of shit for never thinking to offer them money. It's like really fucking embarrassing to think about, even now as I'm writing this.
But I wasn't taught those things either. I didn't know how to open up a bank account, Never heard of credit or a credit score and definitely didn't know how to handle money properly being that I never saw any of my checks, even though I had been working since I was 16.
Because of my sheltered, controlled upbringing I would say I was pretty immature for my age and definitely ignorant to things of the world. And I mean the things everyone else my age was doing.
But I could quote most of the Bible with my eyes closed and was almost a 20 year old virgin. Because that's what's important in life 🙄 Being pure for some man that I would marry & submit to. Gross.

If I wasn't working I was hanging out with friends, drinking, going to parties, having CSI nights, running on as little sleep as possible, getting a new piercing every month, getting tattoos and going to concerts all over Nor. Cal.
I didn't do it in a healthy way but I got down to 100lbs. I remember the first time I tried on a pair of size zero jeans I almost cried. My body was not meant to be zero. But I loved life.
And I had NEVER loved life before.

I was boy crazy then. Probably because I wasn't allowed to go through that phase like a normal teen does, so I had it in my early 20's. My friends kind of made it their mission to get me laid for the first time.
My roommate friend introduced me to this new guy at work. He worked in the garden center. He was Italian, had olive skin, lots of tattoos, a lip ring and a tongue ring.
I remember my parents making me volunteer at the pregnancy crisis center that my church ran in high school. I read a story on why people got tongue rings. When I saw his I couldn't help but clutch my metaphorical pearls. Even though I was free the religion and fear still had its hold on me. Everything I did I was always a little scared of "gods" wrath and eternal damnation, it haunted me like a fucking ghost.
The "new guy" would stop at the photo booth and talk to me all of the time. I felt like he liked me.
My people pleasing self even went out and got my lip and nose pierced in hopes to impress him more.
My roommate friend invited him to one of our CSI nights and we ended up making out. We started dating after that. I don't recall how long we were together but I did loose my virginity to him.
I found out he was cheating on me one night when he came over to chill. I leaned over to kiss him and his face smelled like straight VAGINA. I may have been naive and inexperienced but I knew what the fuck was up. We were off and on like twice after that because I was a dumbass. We broke up for good and I found out later that one of my really good guy friends slept with him too. I didn't even know he was Bisexual. So that was kind of traumatizing for your neighborhood virgin, Christian girl 😳 lol.
After that I was single and just enjoyed hanging out with my friends doing our normal things. Lots of drinking etc.
Then One of my good guy friends went through a break up with his girlfriend whom he shared an apartment with. I don't remember the exact details but he ended up crashing with us for a couple of weeks while he waited to get his own place.
I was not attracted to him like that at all and my absolute best friend was a guy so I was used to having guy friends that didn't try anything with me when we hung out. But one night we were watching tv in my bedroom and he kissed me. I vaguely remember letting him know that I wasn't interested. But he kept kissing me and pulled me into him.

This is always one of the things that kills me about my upbringing. My parents destroying my self esteem and self worth & only making religion a learning priority led me to be afraid to tell people no.
So when he didn't accept my decline of his advances the first time, I just let him do what he wanted to do. So we had sex. I remember rolling over and crying because I was still mourning my very first relationship and the fact that I gave myself to him only to be shit on and now I had officially had sex with 2 guys and the 2nd I didn't even want.
Now here's the kicker. I ended up falling in love with this friend. I probably need to seek professional help to figure out why.
So he permanently moved into my bedroom the rest of his stay with us and we had sex all the time.
He wouldn't claim me though, he would tell me that he wasn't in love with me like that and that I wasn't mature enough to be his girlfriend. All while continuing to share my bed and fucking me. He was a few years older than me too.
I was heart broken but even after he moved out I would still jump to answer his phone calls and go to his house late at night for booty calls hoping that maybe one day I would be good enough for him.
I wish I could go back in time, kick my own ass & then tell her that she's worth so much more because we are trying heal and spread love & light now 😉
During this fucked up relationship I had my best friend declare his love for me and our friendship was never the same because I didn't feel the same way. My roommate friend was being unfaithful to her husband and I was thrown into the middle of that. And then 2 of my friends died. One from meningitis and the other committed suicide.
Death really did not sit well with me. I couldn't sleep for 2 months after my friend who was 18 died. It scared the shit out of me and always ignited the religion seed forever planted in my mind. I hated it.
Going to her funeral and seeing her lying in a casket forever changed me.
I have a tattoo on my back that's a replica of a star ornament I left at her burial site.