Colors Radiated [on hold]

Blue

Life has never been depressing like this. All I can think of lately are ways to end this whole thing. If you were my life, and I lost you, then why was I breathing? You were everything I ever wanted, but life doesn't always work the way we wanted it to.

I remember the last day I saw you, you were wearing my favorite jacket, it was blue black, on top of that old t-shirt that you just don't seem to get over, it was grey with the words "Red" written on it. You were wearing the one old Vans shoe you owned, I remember how much you loved it because it was the first shoe that you ever bought with the money that you earned yourself, by selling one of my portraits you painted; you must be hating it now as it would remind you of me, I would have if I were you--- I wonder what you have done to rest of the paintings you had kept. Your jet-black curly hair was well styled like it has always been. Your beard on your face was starting to grow but you didn't seem to have cared about it. Those skinny legged trousers made your legs appear even leaner than they normally were. I hope you haven't lost more weight than you already had then.

I used to be the only person who got as close to knowing about all your messed-up family drama. You grew up with your grandparents, as your mom and dad were divorced while you were still a child. Your Dad was a filthy rich man, and he didn't bother marrying so many other women and giving birth from each of them. You lived in a wealthy and comfortable lifestyle as a kid until your mom divorced him because she fell in love with another man. She's married to him now and you have one half-brother. You had to be left alone with your grandparents because neither of them owned up to take you. Your father thought that you only wanted him for his filthy money that you never wanted to talk to him nor go visit him. You loved your mom without even questioning why she left you and chose her new family instead of you. I just knew too much, I think, more than I was supposed to know if we had known that we would have ended like this.

You came to me with the bluest look that I have ever seen on your face, I was standing next to another friend, he was a male friend. I didn't want you to see me with him at that time because I knew that you wouldn't like it. I left him and came to you. I gave you the flash drive that I had with me; it was yours. You didn't even say anything to me, you just took it and looked at him and then you looked at me with those big dark brown eyes that were guarded by those long black eyelashes. I still can't believe that was the last time I saw you. After all that love wasted on us, the last thing I get was just 'I am disturbed, and I might be starting to hate you' look. The egotistic little girl in me also threw back the same look she received at you and left you to go to him. I know it was wicked of I, however I didn't know what would have been right as well. I never saw you again. I had lost you. We texted each other, but deep inside we both knew we had lost each other because even the texts weren't the same anymore. We tried for the next months back and forth, only thinking we were moving forward while we were just running in circles.

I know it was my fault. I was the cause for our drifting apart. I pushed you to your limit and you snapped, no, it was more like we snapped. We no longer trusted each other. Well, I never trusted you because I have never learnt how to trust a man. You knew that as well, but you also knew that I tried really hard to learn and trust you. Every time you screwed up, I stop trusting you again and start from scratch on my lesson of trusting you. I stopped trying once though, it was not long after we got engaged. You told me to never trust you because you stopped trusting yourself. Then I screwed up too, after being away from the city for some time, I stopped caring about you like I used to, or so you said. You told me I have changed so you took some time away from me to try to sort it all out in your head. That was when I met him, Benjamin. When you learnt about him, you hated him, and you also lost the trust you had in me. That was our breaking point, right Malek? But what bothers me more is how we've been together for two years and we couldn't even come over this small problem without losing the only trust that we had in our relationship.

I was the 'strong' girl that I didn't show that I was in pieces when I left my house from time to time to meet up with friends. I cried all night, I shut out people, but most of all I hated myself that I wanted you to hate me too. Losing you was painful in every way possible. I hated everything and everyone around me. I think about deleting everything but then I stumble through our texts only to go back to crying until my eyes turned red. I moved to New York city because I couldn't handle the memories of us hunting me down. Plus New York was the perfect place to get some new energy into my life. I tried to let go of you by going out to meet other guys, none of them were ever like you. I spent nights with each of them only thinking about you in my head. Malek, why was the love you gave me the strongest thing I had ever experienced?

We both know that everything happened too fast and out of the blue. It was a cold break up. A tide in the calm blue ocean that was not seen coming. It blew us off from the beautiful beach into the blue ocean and we both drifted apart with the flow of the salty water. I sunk in not knowing whether I will ever get out or not. That was how losing you was. It was blue. 

I hope you enjoyed the first part! If you did show the writer some support by voting and commenting what you think :) Thank you!

Next chapter: 9th of August, 2020.