ᵈⁱᵐᵖˡᵉˢ. || ⁿᵃᵐᵏᵒᵒᵏ

열여덟

hello! i'm back ùwú, since i have juice today and i hope it would last until next week so i can't feed y'all more (・ε・｀). We're going back to more crack this time and ofc namkook will happen soon! this is just a background or explanation of what is seokjin's history with namjoon :) edited version and lowercase intended. enjoy!

It's been a while hyung.
even when yoongi and taehyung is
here i feel so lonely. Is this what you feel?
emptiness? I've tried to be optimistic
but my name and that word doesn't just
fit together. I wish you were here.
Everything would be much easier.
I miss you very much hyung.

It was like I was drowning in my own
thoughts. It haunts me in my sleep, it was like taunting me. Every night i couldn't even close my eyes to sleep. If I tried,
I'll be just gasping for air. Not a pretty experience. I'm used to it but it doesn't mean it doesn't bother me. I hate it.
I hate how scared I am. I hate the way I could still feel his presence near me.

No matter how hard I forget his touch, his dark-ish orbs that pierces through mine's.
I could still feel his breath agaisnt my neck even though he's far away. I'm such a coward, I can't face my own fears by my own. Then, here I am pushing others when they clearly don't have any intentions of hurting me. I just can't trust people that easily. I find it very hard just because maybe he'll come back and that scares me.

What if he hurts the people I love?
I can stand his wrath, his twisted love, his anger. But I can't see the people I love in my situation. It's for their sake. I should do what's best for them. They don't deserve this kind of treatment, they don't deserve what i've gone through.

Specially jungkook.

I would protect him just like you did to me, hyung. The guilt is still here, it feels like a ton of bricks on my shoulders. I deserve it though. Jimin was caught once in his messed up shit just because I was selfish.
I've learned my lesson and I won't let anyone be caught in this again.

Although i've been worn out lately from the constant waking in the middle of the night and dealing insomnia after. Yesterday, yoongi hyung and taehyung slept with me.
We had a sleepover or whatever they called it. I was happy for a moment and I cherished it. I knew it wasn't going to last, as everything was. I kind of slept well last night but I still couldn't sleep normally.
That's when I thought of you again. You're still my wallpaper hyung. You told me when i dared to change it,

"Try and change that, i'll shove
a whole spatula down your throat! "

I guess i was pretty scared that time and didn't even think to change it. Now, I can't since this is the only thing I could use to reminisce our memories together.
I've tried to change it out of anger once
just because maybe you'll appear with a spatula. I won't even care about the spatula shoved down my throat, I would be still happy.

I remember your cousin, Kim Jisoo,
had a party in their huge ass house. We were so drunk that night! I had so much fun, I could still remember some of what happened. Too bad I was so wasted to remember everything. One of my favorites was when we pretended to make out just to make your loser ex jealous. I still remember the look on his face. Hilarious.

Then, there's this one dude who hit up on me,I forgot his name. I can't seem to see clearly his face in my memory. All I could think was he was hitting on me and you were laughing in the background. People hollering and some drunk couple eating their each other's face in some corner. The beats going through my chest and his... pinkish cheeks.
He looked young and he was obviously drunk too. You seem to read my mind as I was awkward and didn't know what to say.

"Look buddy... This guy is taken.
He's only *hiccup* sorry hehe... Where was
I? Oh yeah, he is mine. Got it? *hiccup*"

Poor guy was embarrassed and kind of sobered up? I don't know I couldn't remember it well. You giggled and pinched my cheeks and then... What happened again? Ah! You said those sappy words that I still find cringe and embarrassing.

"Aigoo! My baby bear is growing.
You've been *hiccup* asked out by many now.  Both *hiccup* men and women that's an *hiccup*  improvement. I guess you won't need me now, yes? "

I imagined your sad smile. I didn't know what you meant by that  time. I was too wasted. All that matters was the time slowing, the annoying flashing lights shining at your face making you more handsome than ever. The loud bass beats more intensed in my chest or was it my heart? No matter how cliché it sounded, it was true. Everything just slowed down. As if the whole world was focused only on us.

The space between us were disappearing slowly. Until our breaths intersected and our lips lightly touching each other. I looked into your brown shiny eyes. You say you can see the world in mine, but I see the whole universe in yours. Finally, I closed the irritating gap that was separating our lips from each other. I can still feel the warmth, how it matched with mine. It wasn't full of lust or greed unlike the others. It was full of excitement and happiness.

We weren't inlove but we have a deep connection that no one would understand.
We aren't friends with benefits. We are not best friends or anything. We just didn't like to categorize ourselves and just put it like that. Maybe because we were both caught up in our own world, now I am stuck in here. You are free now, you climbed out of the whole and went to the real world.

I don't really mind it. It's your decision not mine. Besides, im used to being left alone.
I'm more contended here at least that's what I think. I can still enjoy what's left in here. Our own world that we built. Yeah, I could get used to this. For now until you come back here, in our sanctuary.

this is kind of cringe but meh.
Hope you understood what's their past were and joonie's hard time moving on from his and seokjin's history. And hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Don't forget to :
vote ☑
comment ☑
and follow if you're new :) ☑