Striving for Skinny

Entry 1

05/01/2014

Monday.

Hey, I'm Alex. I'm 15 years old, 5ft 2 and weigh 125lbs. My starting weight was 150lbs. My ultimate goal weight is76lbs. I've been doing this on and off for as long as I can remember, but this time it's serious. No going back. I've accepted that this is my life now.

Breakfast:

Cereal bar 42cals

Cauliflower rice 44 cals

Total: 86cals

I've been so lonely and suffocated since I stopped going to school. I was declared "mentally unfit" you see. That's psychosis for ya. The medication I'm on helps, but It makes me gain weight. I'm fed up with being the way I am. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. I thought I couldn't change myself, but ana saw my suffering and came to my calling. She's helped me so much, yet we have a love-hate relationship. Some days I love her, some days I hate her. Some days I have mixed feelings. Like when I'm on my knees in the bathroom, having just thrown up. I love her and mia for helping me, but hate them for what I have become.

Lunch:

Tossed salad 15cals

1 boiled egg whites 34cals

Total: 49cals

Ugh. Look at me. I have to eat to live. I'm addicted to food in a way, and ana is my rehab, showing me my mistakes and ways to improve.

I wasn't always like this. I was confident once. Happy once. Normal. Not anymore. I'm a monster.

It's great how I don't eat much, but I'm always thinking about food. Low cal recipes. How to burn it off. Should I purge or not. I'm lucky I rarely ever binge, I'd never forgive myself if it was a frequent happening.

Talking of food, I can't decide what to eat for dinner. My mothers been pressuring to eat something "substantial". Hah. I don't want to eat. I don't enjoy it.

Dinner:

Cauliflower rice 44cals

Gherkins 6cals

Tuna patty 64cals

Total: 114cals

Total for today: 269cals

I don't even get hungry anymore. Food is tasteless..