Just One Shot

002: Fear of the unknown

July 10, 2020

I was eighteen years old when I got married. I belong to a very conservative family where good daughters never say NO to their parents. My father wanted me to get married. And all I said was, “If that makes you happy I'll say yes” And of course it was never a happy marriage.

Just about after two years of getting married about nine years ago. I met a car accident. Somehow my husband fell asleep and the car fell into the ditch. He managed to jump out saved himself I'm happy for him. But I stayed inside the car and I sustained a lot of injuries. The list is a bit long don't get scared I'm perfectly fine now.

Radius ulna of my right arm was fractured. The wrist was fractured. Shoulder bone and collar bone we're fractured. My whole rib cage got fractured and because of the rib cage injury lungs and liver, we're badly injured. I couldn't breathe. I lost urinal bowel control. That's why I have to wear the bag whenever I go but that injury changed me and my life completely.

As a person and my perception towards living my life was my spine injury. Free vertebrae of my backbone were completely crushed and I got paralyzed for the rest of my life. So this accident took place in a far-flung area. On the outskirts of very small Balochistan, we're there was no first aid, no hospital, no ambulance I was in the middle of nowhere in that toppled car. Many people came to rescue they gave me CPR, they dragged me out of the car. And while they were dragging me out I got the complete transition of my spinal cord.

I finally ended up in a hospital where I stayed for two and a half months. I entered well multiple surgeries. Doctors have to put a lot of titanium in my arm, a lot of titanium at my back. Those two and a half months in the hospital were dreadful. I will not make up stories just to inspire you. I was on the verge of despair.

One day the doctor came to me and he said-- “I've heard you wanted to be an artist. But you ended up being a housewife, I have bad news for you, you won't be able to paint again. Because the wrist in your arm is so deformed, you won't be able to hold the pen again.” and I stayed quiet.

The next day doctor came to me and said--- “Your spine injury is so bad you won't be able to walk again.” and I took a deep breath and I said it's alright.

The next day doctor came to me and said--- “Because of your spine injury and the fixation that you have in your back, you won't be able to give birth to a child again.”

That day I was devastated. I still remember I asked my mother. Why me? And that is where I started to question my existence.

Why am I even alive? What's the point of living? I cannot walk, I cannot paint it fine.  But I cannot be a mother? And we have this thing in our heads being women that we are incomplete without having children. I am going to be an incomplete woman for the rest of my life. What's the point?

My mother said to me “THIS TOO SHALL PASS, God has greater plans for you. I don't know what is it but he surely has.”

So what kept me going was---

One day I asked my brothers--- “I know I have deformed hands and I'm tired of looking at these white walls in the hospital and wearing these white scrubs, I'm getting tired of this, I want to add more colors to my life, I want to do something, bring me some colors, bring me some small canvas. I want to paint.”

So, the very first painting I made was my DEATHBED. Where I painted for the very first time. There was a lot of injection in my body a lot of allergies so the doctor's wanted me to lay down on a bed straight. For not six months, For not one year but two years I was bedridden.

Confined in that one room looking outside the window listening to the birds chirping and thinking maybe there will be a time we will be going out with the family, enjoying nature that was the time where I realized how lucky people are. But they don't realize it. And you know how I all began? That day I decided that I'm going to fight my fears. We all have fears. Fear of unknown, fears of known, fears of losing people, fear of losing health, money, wr want to excel in a career, we want to become famous, we want to get money. We are scared all the time.

So I wrote down one by one all those fears. So I decided that I'm going to overcome those fears one at a time. Do you know what was my biggest fear?

DIVORCE.

But the day I decided, this is nothing but my fear. I liberated myself by setting hum-free and I made myself emotionally so strong that the day I got the news that he is getting married. I sent him a text that, “I'm so happy for you and I wish you all the best.” And he knows that I pray for him today...

My biggest fear number two was I won't be able to be a mother again. And that was quite devastating for me. But then I realized there are so many children in this world and all they want is acceptance. So there's no point in crying just go and adopt one and that's what I did.

When you accept the way you are, the world recognizes you and it all starts from within...