reading between the lines

23

Matty's POV

The days started to pass quicker, my life became more routined, and somehow deep inside my mind I just felt more fulfilled by life and the way I was living it. And what's more, I'd had a quiet few days as AJ had disappeared after we'd found out who would be playing who and had been absent ever since. I don't know if he's ill or just sulking, I tried asking Ryan but he'd said that AJ had been ignoring him for a little while now so he didn't really know much either. It's not like I care, not having AJ around school meant I could walk down all the busiest corridors without having insults thrown at me and I could walk into any toilet without having the fear of being beaten and bruised by whoever may be waiting for me whether it was AJ or his minions.

Having an hour and a half of rehearsals everyday after school was getting me a little more used to singing in front of people without having a nervous breakdown but it still terrified me and the thought of singing in front of a load of parents and siblings of people I don't even know sent me into full panic mode. Luckily enough the acting side of it all didn't bother me at all though, that's probably been the most enjoyable part so far to be honest, just me and a bunch of other students pretending to be these characters that have been made up by some writer we don't know.

I'm at rehearsals right now actually so I should probably stop daydreaming and get back to it.

I jump up from my spot on the floor just as Harry calls my name so I jog over to him to see what I'm needed for.

"Oh there you are" Harry smiled at me before continuing "we're gonna run through the ending now so starting from the song words fail right up until the end, okay?"

I nod and get in my place amongst a couple of the other kids on the stage but something about this song makes me all fidgety and nervous. I think it might be because it more of a slow song rather than the fun, fast-paced ones so I know that people are gonna be listening more carefully to my singing. Oh god the music has started, okay I can do this.
I close my eyes and the first couple of lines come out without a problem, they seem to be flowing nicely. Maybe I did just overthink this song. Relaxing a little more into the song I opened my eyes a little and looks straight ahead to where the audience would be, and usually in rehearsal no one is there. But today there is. AJ, his deep eyes staring right at me with a small sense of jealousy but a little satisfaction because he knows. He knows that if he stays there, if he keeps looking at me then I'll mess up and that's what he wants. And that's what I do. I forget what I'm singing and my voice cracks, there's nothing left for me to do except grab my stuff and get the hell out of there. There's absolutely no way I can leave the school and go outside because I'm an absolute mess right now, my eyes are wet with tesrs and my chest in inflating and deflating quicker than anything whilst it's trying to remind me to breathe. Taking a quick look behind me to make sure no one is following me I head into Harry and louis' classroom, drop my bag to ground and fall into a seat, weak from both the amount of tears I've cried and the lack of breathing I've been doing for the past couple of minutes. Every inch of me knows I'm having a panic attack but no inch of me will do anything about it but I want to. I want to help myself because I know that panic attacks never end well for me, and I know I should text Louis to come and help me but I can't, even if my brain would let me, my hands wouldn't, they're shaking way too much. I'm an idiot, no matter what I'm doing I let AJ Pritchard control it, he knows he has full control over me and he'll never let that go for as long as he knows it bothers me. But I can't let it not bother me because I don't have thick skin, I'm weak and the combination of bullying and fucked up state of mind makes it almost impossible for me to change that.

"Matty??? Bro where are you c'mon I'm worried about you mate" Louis shouts from down the corridor, each step bringing him closer to me until he eventually spots me and runs over "Matty breathe, please" he demands as if it's just that simple.

"I can't" I croak out, I mean what does he think I'm doing, choosing to just not breathe or something. I can't see anything because my head is buried deep in my hands but I feel Louis walk away from me and return a minute's later forcing a paper bag into one of my hands.

"Breath into that as steadily as you can for a few minutes, I'll go fill your water bottle up for you" he says taking my empty bottle off the table and leaving the room.

All I can do for a couple of minutes is just cry into the bag before I eventually try to focus on breathing, watching the bag inflate and then deflate and trying to slow down that rythm. By the time Louis has returned my breathing is controlled enough that I can manage to sip my water and calm down a little more so I can look at Louis "I'm sorry"

"Don't be sorry, that song's tough, especially when your bully is giving you an intense stare whilst you're singing it" Louis replied

"Woah! I never said aj bullied me okay, just no"

"Oh cmon Matty mate it's obvious, maybe not to everyone else but it is to me, whenever you're in the same room as him you tense up. And I know he's an asshole, he has the attitude of a grumpy rhino"

I can't help but smirk at louis' last comment "I'm pretty sure you can't say that about your students Louis"

"I can if he's bullying someone I care about"

My red, tear stained eyes look at Louis waiting for him to continue with whatever he's gonna say.

"Just don't let him get to you, instead of letting him scare you, let him motivate you because look at it this way, if you absolutely smash your performance, it's going to smash him into 1000 pieces. Your confidence will be his downfall"

I allow the words to sink in for a little bit first and then I nod "yeh, you're right, I can do this can't I?"

"Yeh" Louis smiles at me "you can and you will"