Semblance

[1]

Destiny has always played tricks on me. I never managed to find my own roots in this world. Without any anchor, I'm left floating in the wind, tossed around whenever the breeze picks up. It blows me to the more seclusive places, confronts me with the world's mysteries, with my own secrets. Sometimes, I get to touch the ground only for a brief moment. I think I've finally found my place, but the wind's whistle announces another change. As my feet get lifted off the ground, I look over my shoulder with sorrow.

Today is one of these days. It finally sinks in. I'm leaving the most stable home I ever had. I look at my mum's framed picture. My eyes are dry. I've cried so much in the past months that there's nothing left. I wish I could talk to her one last time, beg her to stay with me a bit longer. There are only two months left before my sixteen birthday. If she had stayed a bit longer, I could have made my own choices. Why was I thrown a curveball when I had finally settled?

Mum and I moved to Archaracle, a small Scottish country village, three years ago. At the beginning, I wasn't happy about the change of environment. It contrasted too heavily with Glasgow. I wasn't sure why mum found the need to move so up north. I was angry to leave behind the few friends I had managed to make in secondary school. I grew moody and did everything in my power to make her understand that I wasn't going down silently this time around. I was over needing to pack my things and move every two years. I had gone through so many schools, so many friends. I didn't want to start anew again. She didn't understand my anger. She smiled at my rage and told me we would finally be happy here. She didn't even have a job, but she was persuaded of it. It was where we belonged. However, she said that every time we moved. If we belonged somewhere, we would have stayed in Inverness, Glasgow, Edinburgh, London or Oxford. No matter how nice the other students were with me, I answered them with anger, and disdain. I didn't want this. I wanted to go back. I begged my mum to send me off to my aunt in London. At least, there, I knew a few people. She shook her head and told me we could never be separated. She needed to stay by my side to protect me. I huffed and puffed and threw a tantrum. How could she protect me? She was never home. She slaved at work and couldn't even provide me a good life. When I pointed my accusatory finger at her and blamed her of all this, she started sobbing and told me she was trying her best. I was cruel with her. I thought I knew everything. I thought only I knew what I truly needed. Everything she said was lies. How could she claim to know what I needed when she was never around me?

Now that I've lost her, I realize how wrong I was. I need my mum. I need her more than ever. I feel so lonely without her. She's been all my life. She has shadowed me through my hardest moments. She always held her arms wide open so I could take refuge in her warm embrace. She tried her best to please me. She didn't want to uproot me every two years. She had no other choice. She always listened to what I had to say. She never scolded me for my mood swings. She was bothered by my rants and my distress. She tried to fix things whenever she could. She moved around because she was scared. She was afraid that I'll be taken away from her. My aunt can't really explain it. She says that my mum always felt as if she was tracked by something, someone. My aunt thinks she's running away from my father, but I'm not too sure about it. Mum always talked fondly of him, even if I know little about who he truly is. She loved him a lot, and hoped we could, one day, be a happy family, the three of us together. She didn't tell me why we couldn't do it now, but she stressed that I'm not the reason behind their separation. My father loved me a lot, that's why he let me go with my mother. It was the best for the three of us. I think mum constant moving was due to what wedged themselves between my parents. A part of me wants to discover what it is, but my reason tells me it's better kept hidden. If it had been something without repercussion, my mum would have told it to me a long time ago. She worked so hard on covering everything up. She must have had a good reason. I'm not sure I'm ready to uncover it.