Semblance

[3]

I thought I would get a warmer goodbye. My aunt gives me a ride to the airport. As I pick up my three suitcases, I notice she's not coming out.

—Won't you accompany me inside?

I'm genuinely confused. It's the first time I fly. I'm a bit nervous.

—I'm sure you'll figure it out... There are employees to help you out.

She flashes me a wide smile through the rear-view mirror. Well... I guess that's a firm no. Even if I'm to insist, she won't get out of the car for me. I drag my luggage on the pavement and go to the front of the car. She waves at me as the motor starts to roar. I nearly hold her back. The words are on the tip of my tongue when she drives off. Ah. I go inside the airport. I've never wandered through Heathrow. The small city frightens me. I stay stoic for a time. Travelers pass by me in a rush and, sometimes, give me an annoyed glance. Flights are flashing on the screen. Mine isn't announced yet. I pull out my passport. My boarding pass is slipped inside. I have three hours left before my departure. Why did they have to wake me so earlier? I barely slept. I don't know was the hurry this morning. Unless they wanted to get rid of me as quickly as they could without seeming too rude. I mean, I couldn't even get a decent breakfast or shower. I'm not sure if I should feel offended. I have all the reasons to do so, but ... at the same time, I'm well aware that my arrival was rather unexpected. It's certain I would be bothersome if I were never wanted. I clench my jaw. If I annoyed them this much, they don't need to pretend that they like me. I would rather have them tell it to me than hoping to I might be able to join their family. Is it why my aunt was so adamant that I can't stay with her? She doesn't want me? I feel my eyes get teary. I can't cry over something this stupid. They don't deserve me if they act that way. Why would I want them to love me? However, a few tears still roll down my cheeks. I hate myself for being this weak.

I go to the counter and check in my two luggage, keeping the smaller one by my side. The clerk makes me go to a small rack to verify it isn't too big to be a carry-on. I feel a bit put on the spot. I stumble on my words, and slowly walk until the designated place. I slip the suitcase effortlessly in the metal box. He gives me a warm smile as I return.

—Good travel.

He hands me back my boarding pass and passport. I wander around the terminal for a bit before passing the security. I fidget as I wait in line. Even if it's Thursday, there are a lot of people waiting. People move at a slow place, so I have the time to panic. I try to look at what I should do, but the person waiting in front of me is too tall. I can't see that far. I read everything I find. No liquid, no weapons... I shouldn't be worried about that, right? I want to go through my suitcase, but I know it's not the place. My aunt helped me pack. She went on multiple travels; she wouldn't have put anything that could bring me trouble in the smaller suitcase. I bit my nails as my turn is growing nearer. The guard with blue gloves finally signs me to move forward. I put my suitcase in the bin and let it slide onto the rail. I leave my arms on my side and pass through the metal doctor. I beep. Startled, I freeze. The young woman makes go to the side and scans me up and down. My stomach sinks. It's my jeans' button that's been detected. I breathe a sigh of relief. It's not too serious, right? She lets out a joke and let me go. I grab my suitcase and hurry to go to my gate. I look at the screen as I sit down. My flight still isn't there. I don't know where to go. I decide it's better to wait by the gate until the plan arrives. I'm worried I might miss my plane if I wander too far.

The plan is delayed. The waiting area has become crowded. It's loud. People keep moving around. A few are annoyed by the long wait time. I hear someone furiously typing on a keyboard. The man sat next to me snores loudly. I feel so small. I want to disappear in the ground. Finally, it's announced that priority travellers should embark. I stay seated since my class hasn't been called. Everyone is moving around, already queuing even if it isn't their turn. Is that the etiquette? I squirm in my seat. I'm afraid the plane will leave without me. How could I explain that to my aunt? What do I do if that happens? I get up and get in line. I can't let that happen. I would be in trouble.

I walk down the long tunnel, a bit uneasy about being so high in the air. As I notice the gap between the gateway and the plane's entrance, I brace myself and take a big step over it. Would I fall down if I stepped too close to the edge? I shiver. I don't want to know. I'm greeted by the crew inside. They all seem to know what they're doing. I'm a bit reassured. The flight shouldn't be an issue then. I'm directed on the left side of the plane and walk through the alley until my place. My seat's neighbours are a young couple. They don't mind me as I sit down by the window.

The beginning of the flight is uneventful. My nails dig into the armrests when we start our ascension, but we're quickly stabilised. I feel a bit weird about seeing the plane still slightly tilted, but since nothing bad happens, I guess that's how it's supposed to be. Halfway through our journey, we catch our first turbulence. They violently shake the whole plane. My seatbelt is barely holding me in place. We drop. My stomach sinks. Images of catastrophe movies flash before my eyes. Wouldn't it be the peak of irony if I were to die now? My fears are quickly chased as a few minutes later, the pilot clears us, and we can unbuckle. Stressed by my first experience, I decide to keep my seatbelt as long as I stay in my seat. I'm glad I insisted on a window seat rather than an alley one. I would have hated to get up to let them pass. The girl needs to go to the bathroom every hour. Just walking around to have her go would probably have made me panic. My legs feel a bit numb.

I eat a little bit through the flight, but I'm not hungry. My stomach doesn't untie. Whenever the plane moves a little bit, I remember the turbulence and I brace myself. I freak out and have difficulty to breathe. Sometimes, my direct seat neighbour, the young woman, gives me a glance and asks me if I'm okay. With white knuckles and my teeth clenched I nod. I don't want to talk with her.

I'm not excited when we land. I need to take a connection flight. It's another full six hours. My legs shake as I make my way out of the plane. I drag my suitcase around until I find a quiet spot. I have about an hour and forty minutes left until my plane depart. I decide to grab something to eat in one of Toronto's small restaurant. I look at the menu and feel like throwing up. My aunt insisted that I didn't do the flight in one go. She was scared that I would get too scared and needed some time to rest. I wish I knew that having a stopover was worse than what I felt in the plane. I have nothing to do here. Everything is so bleak. There are a lot of people, and they're incredibly rude. I get pushed every now and then, and the outside view is terrible. The place stinks, and the seats are uncomfortable. There's nothing good about Canada. What's more, it's not even the end of my journey. When I finally reach Vancouver, I need to take another plane to go further north. I sigh heavily. Couldn't my dad find a house closer to ours?

I look at the screen. A few flights going to London appear. I look down at my boarding pass. Can I exchange it? I want to go back home. It would be shorter than going where he lives.