I set my purse on the floor by the dining room table, my belly is long past the stages of being able to hide it against my frame, I attempt to conceal it with a brown pea coat but the effort goes unnoticed by most. I've grown accustomed to the looks around town, being a small town and all it is kind of hard to get away from the growing states and gossip. Of course the friends of legendary teen Alison are all pregnant, what a consequence. I tug my white tank top down before sitting in the chair across from my dad. His eyes don't leave the obvious swell in my abdomen as I sit, he watches intently as I close my jacket over my stomach and cross my legs under the table.
"Spencer," He addresses me. He is obviously stressed, maybe losing your whole family will do that to you. The trial is getting worse and worse, both my parents are becoming relentless in a fight to wreck each other. I've tried to keep out of it, I thought I'd never see him again.
"Thank you for meeting me Spence," He continues on when I don't respond. I bite my lip as the waiter comes and he asks for two dark coffees. I don't bother to remind him that I shouldn't be drinking caffeine and let the waiter stalk off. "It's really important for me to-"
"To what? Mend the relationship after I was your punching bag?" I cut him off.
"I'm trying to apologize Spencer," He tells me. The twinge in his eyes, the anger that I use to recognize so well is there, hidden behind exhaustion and desperation.
"Why?" I ask him to watch the waiter as he comes back to our table and sets our drinks down.
'Because you are my daughter-"
"That never stopped you before. What is in it for you?" I ask him. He looks at my for a moment, grabbing his cup of coffee to take a sip before setting it back down with little regard.
"I need you to talk to your mother," He tells me.
"Because?" I tell him.
"I've had enough of her games, I'll pay her settlement and leave Pennsalvania, but she won't take my calls."
"So you want to run away? Forget what you've done, to her to me?" I snap at him. My eyes moving up from the ground to look him in the eyes, my words are spoken with pure anger for the trauma he put all of us through. He clenches his jaw again, and for the first time in my life I realize the most life changing thing. He doesn't care at all. About what he has done to us but more importantly what he has done to my mother.
"I made a mistake Spencer, and no one can forgive me so I'm doing the next best thing and leaving," He tells me his mask is back on. He exudes confidence and calm for the rest of the coffee shops consumers, but to me he is cracking. I can see the pressure of the conversation.
"That's where she got it from," I mutter, shaking my head. I bend down to grab my purse ready to leave the table and him. He grabs me before I can move. The feeling of his hand once brought my comfort, when I was younger and we would go for jogs, or go on bike rides. That dad is gone.
"Who?" He snaps at me. I pull my hand away from his like it burned me as I regard him with pure anger.
"Melissa," I spit her name like venom. "I'm not going to see anything from my mother."
"Spencer don't be stupid," He practically spits at me as he sits back. The time bomb is ticking. I can see it. "I want out and so does she. I'm giving her a way out.
"You don't get to run away this time. No flight to London or trip to DC can fix this. What you did to me, to her, to all of us. She isn't going to let go, Regardless of what you think. You almost kill my baby, her grandchild. She will win," I spit back at him. For once not being afraid that my talk back will gain me a black eye.
"It's my grandchild too," He says back to me. The anger dripped from his body.
"You will never, ever see this baby. I can promise you that," I tell him. I move to get up again but stop when I stare at him. My heart hurts for the dad I once had, for the memories of family that were washed away the first day he smacked me.
"Why did you do it," I ask him. He seems caught off guard at my question and stares at me for a moment contemplating if maybe he should just walk away.
"You remind me of her," He tells me.
"Who?"
"Jessica," He says with hatred. His voice dripping with anger and fury.
"Every time I see you or think of you, I remember everything I lost because of that woman. Because of Jason," He tells me.
"I'm not Jessica, I'm nothing-"
"Nothing like her?" He says with a laugh. "Spencer you may be your mother's daughter, but you spent more time with Jessica growing up. The woman loved you more than her own damn daughter," He said with a laugh. I frowned at him in disbelief. I never remembered spending my childhood at her house, but then again my childhood wasn't like most. "It stopped when you were 6, your mother found out about the affair and lost her mind on all of us. You weren't allowed over there, but when you and Alison became friends in primary school it was too late to break you both apart. I can't look at you with feeling- anger. It wasn't until Ali went missing that the quirks of hers came out and-"
"You're mad at her for ruining your marriage," I finish for me.
"Yes," He tells me. "If she aborted Jason like I fucking told her this would've never happened," He says referring to us.
"No because deep down, I know you would've found a way to hate me. This isn't Jason's fault, it's yours. You chose to hate your daughter for the women who you fucked. This is on you." I tell him.
"Don't talk to me like that, I'm your father and I deserve some damn respect," He snaps at me. Grabbing the attention from a few unlucky bystanders.
"No you are nothing but the man who nearly cost my baby its life," I bend down and grab my purse this time. Standing from the table and looking down to him. This time having the power.
"I never, ever, want to see you again," I tell him. I look him in the eyes once more and the final piece of my heart falls into my stomach as I stare at the man I once ran to scared at night, who now haunts more of the nightmares that keep me up at night. He turned into my bad dream, he turned into the monster I ran from, something more children never want to see their parents turn into. I shake my head as I leave the cafe and walk straight to my car without looking back. The feeling of losing a parent weighs heavy on my heart and for the first time I have to accept that my father didn't die, he decided one day that he didn't want to love me anymore, which is much much worse.
The feeling of being close to him makes me sick to my stomach and I quickly drive home and away from him. I park the car in the back lot of the brew and set my head against the steering wheel. Letting the tears fall quickly down my face. I pity myself for about 15 minutes before I find the courage to whip my tears and get out from the car and walk to the loft. I let out a sigh at the empty loft, Toby is working tonight which means I am on my own. I think about food but it just makes my stomach curl. I walk to the bedroom, stripping from my outfit and pulling on one of Toby's shirts. I pull the curtains closed, masking the gloomy out day to make the room dark. I lie in bed, my body facing away from the door and towards the wall. I grab Toby's pillow tugging it tightly to my chest as more tears fall. I cry for everyone and everything, drifting to sleep in my own pity.
"Spence?" I hear Toby and then soon register his hand on my arm. I feel the bed dip by my stomach and now that he must be home from work. I curl my toes inward before opening my sticky eyes and look up to him. He has a sad look on his face, his eyes search mine, the obviously puffy ness must give away my sadness. "What's wrong," The worsts make the tears flow again as I squeeze them shut in a failed effort to stop everything but it doesn't work. I feel Toby's arms wrap around me as he lies down beside me. Pulling me to hug him rather than his now damn pillow. His hand plays with my hair as my chest rests against his chest.
"I saw my dad," I told him my scratchy voice from using it for the first time in a couple hours.
"Oh Spence," He says broken heartily. We stay like that for a while. Wrapped in each other well we mourn the loss of my father, the man who is still alive, but his soul died.
