Contraindication

One | Bloody Pizza Coupons

"Life is short, but death is super long."
— Beetlejuice the musical

I one hundred percent agree with that cheesy line. However, sometimes I wish my body would follow that philosophy.

Like when I die... I stay dead.

But nope instead, for me death is short and life goes on forever... and ever... and ever... and ever, almost like a record on repeat.

Yes, I can't die.

Trust me, I tried.

So many goddamn times.

It's like the universe wants me to be alive for some unknown reason. It keeps dragging me back to life like some sort of sadistic and endless trick. An endless trick I wish would stop because I can't handle it anymore.

Every time I would get seriously hurt, my body would magically start healing. In less than fifteen seconds a stab wound in my chest would cease to exist, and a broken bone would mend in under ten. I found the process of healing absolutely annoying and completely unnecessary. Maybe the injury was inflicted on purpose? Maybe I wanted to end things? But my body has a mind of its own, and it chooses to fight off death.

I'm basically immortal.

My tiresome immortality was one of the many things I had on my mind this morning. Other things included my chemistry test—which I just remembered the answer to one question I skipped—and pizza. Some cheesy, greasy steaming hot pizza with peppers sounded great right about now. It always made life better. At least with my little ability of not dying, I could eat as much pizza as I wanted; a heart attack won't phase me.

My old beat-up red runners scratch against the dusty concrete as I hurried to the mailbox.

My mother reminded me to get the mail two weeks ago. But her words traveled through one ear and quietly jumped out the other. Which meant it was probably overflowing with magazine subscriptions and bills. My set of surprisingly overweight keys jingled as I unlocked box number 093.

Yep, just as I expected—bills! I pulled the stack out, locked the tiny door, and headed back across the street. "Let's see... a water bill... a gas bill..." My fingers quickly shifted through the envelopes. "Mom's garden subscriptions! Oh?" I stopped in the middle of the road and cheered. "Pizza coupons!" At least something good was happening in my life-- usually, things go horribly wrong. I ripped off a square and shoved it into my oversized jeans jacket. "I'll redeem you later." I patted my pocket and scanned through the rest of my mail in the middle of the street.

Loud car honks appeared in the distance, making me discontinue my flipping. I looked up from my delightful coupons to see a light grey Jeep speeding 100 kilometres on the road--and it was heading right towards me.

I squinted my eyes and saw what looked like a panicked boy behind the wheel. His arms flailed, and he looked like he was trying to slam down on the breaks, but they weren't complying. I sighed and closed my eyes, bracing for the impact.

The metal vehicle collided with my side, knocking me and my mail on to the ground. I felt the thick gritty wheel of the car roll over my torso before it came to a halting stop. It sent enormous amounts of pain shooting throughout my body. I could tell that my ribs were broken and my insides were compressed to mush.

Oh, the pain! Oh, the agony!

I've never experienced being hit by a car before, so this was all new. I was surprised that I stayed conscious the entire time. Despite the pain--which I knew would subside eventually—I blinked my eyes counted to ten.