𝑭𝑬𝑬𝑳𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝒀𝑶𝑼

𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐄-chapter 11

"I know," I say honestly and he strokes my back, I hate that he doesiy, he knows why.

He knows I have not forgotten anything and he knows I want him in another way, he just thinks I'm too young, but I'm not.

And he isn't ready to understand it.

"Are we coming back?" I ask impatiently.

He makes an incomprehensible face, trying to figure out why am I asking to come back.

"I haven't talked to you yet, about college," he says, and I remember he wanted to talk to me.

"Sorry," I say, touching the pizza with my finger, licking the drops of ice cream.

"I applied for college out of town," he says, and I see the concern in his eyes.

I knew that look would come.

I'm almost 16yo, not 10yo girl.

"mmm," I nod, knowing that moment would come.
I'll be alone and Dust will forget about me.

"I'm still here, Hazel," he clasp my hand in his and I release my hand.

"I'm not worried," but of course I am.

"I'm worried about you," he says and tries to get closer to me but I understand what he's doing.

It makes me feel like I'm a little girl.

"Dont worry about me," I say and walk away from him.

I dont need your babysitter Dust, I will be 16 in a few months and I can take care of myself," I burst out.

He tries to say something, but I interrupt him, for too long I have been silent in the terrible depression I am sinking into.

"You've taken care of me enough, I can' t stand it anymore! You keep being with me so I won't cry again right?

Because I lost my mommy and I can't control myself?

You can go to your college out of town, go out with
people in ur age and fuck whoever you want to Dust.

Because you didn't want to fuck me, right ?" I take out  the words I kept in my mouth for a long time, and obviously I found out what he wanted for that time.

"Keep your fucking mouth shut, Hazel," he says and gets up from his chair.

"You cant say such things, Fuck!" He begins to speak.

"Do you think I didn't want you so bad? You're fucking wrong. You were a little girl and ur still. Do you understand me?" He says and breathing quickly.

I could not stay calm after what he said that night, he didn't want me, he never wanted me.

Felicia is the perfect bitch for him, she's a bitch like him.

He ruined my opportunity to live with my mother.
His mouth opens wide when I mention the rude word, come on.

"Did you really think I would not find out you wanted to fuck me? I'm almost 16yo Dust.

I'll lose my virginity with someone who really wants to, Not like you! " I say and get even angrier.

Realizes I'm saying words I'll be really sorry about.

"I don't want you here," I wipe my eye, which begins to tear. I do want him, I'm afraid he's leaving me.

"You won't cry Hazel, you are not fucking gonna cry as always!" He says and hurts me a little more.

'"How do you always ruin everything? You always make me feel guilty! I didn't take your mum Hazel, God.

I was here! I'm here! I'm fucking here for you.
And you know it and you're just trying to get away from me like you always do since that perfect night
at sea, until we got this message.

That she's not here anymore.
You need to grow up Hazel she won't come down from heaven to hug you when it's hard for you! I was here to do it and I still want to do it!"

All the words he said right now, didn't help.

I don't want him here now.

I start crying so loud, again.

I leave the place and him too.

I knew it would end in this way .

It always ends in a badly way.

This year was full of bad moments,  and we just fought non-stop, or the situation was too simple.
He kept doing what he always did. be with me here, for me.

But the feeling was not the same.

She was not like before, when he hugged me happily

and not because he must , otherwise I'll be broken again.

I hear my name coming out of his mouth, but I d answer, I don't want to answer, I don't want to talk to him anymore.

I ran to the only graveyard in this town where my mother has been for almost a year.

When I get to her grave I wash him, sit next to him, and put my head on my shoulder.

"Did you have to go now?" I say, looking at her.
"Dust is leaving," I share with her, as if she's really listening to me.

"He's going to leave , to the college and I'm not going to be alone mom," I continue.

"I'm going to get out of here and go find another place so I can be in a place that doesn't remind me the pain."

"Bye mommy ," I say, getting to my feet and waving to her grave, goodbye.