Jerk

Hanbin

Hanbin's POV

"Hanbinnie, I'm fed up now. I can't do this anymore, I feel like we're just running around in circles--"

Everything slowly became a blur. Jiwon was talking but I couldn't make out what he was saying.He was crying, he was angry, he was trembling. I remember last time when he cried like this too, it was the turning point of my life. He was my switch, he was my salvation. I never wanted to be a playboy, I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel what love is. Then he came to my life, he made me feel love. Even though I always hurt him he was still there, he cried at that time too. That's when I knew I loved him, my hands were trembling, my heart was aching when I saw him in that state.

I don't know when it started, the first time I saw Jinhwan he was not my type at all. Small, cute and bubbly add to that he has a pretty face. The more I watched him, the more I was attracted to him. My stomach was always churning whenever I saw him smile, I thought I was just sick. But when I saw him again, my stomach was acting up again. My heart was beating fast, I got nervous and I got giddy whenever I would see him. These feelings were all new to me, I didn't know what to do.

Until one day, Jinhwan was different that one particular day. He smells really good and he was prettier too, if that was even possible. Everything in him screams perfect. He was blushing like crazy too, at first I thought it was because of me but then when I saw him laughing with his secretary I erased my thoughts about it. Or so I thought when Jinhwan tripped because of my dog, I catched him at the right moment and everything just stopped.

My heart was beating fast, I don't know if it's because his hand was touching my chest or because of the look Jinhwan was giving me. It's like it's begging me to do something and message was received. I slowly came closer to him and touched his cheeks sofly. He leaned on it and I knew he was giving me permission for real, until I felt his lips on mine. It tastes like strawberries, sweet and just like him. I stopped and looked at him again, this time his eyes changed into something darker. I didn't think any second thoughts and kissed him again.

That's when I know that love was supposed to feel like that, Jiwon came to my mind but I just erased those thoughts. Days and months passed, the feelings were still there.

Until now. Seeing the ring coming off his fingers, it came to my realization that what I felt back then was nothing like what I felt right now. My heart was being torn in two every second the ring slides in his fingers. I wanted to tell him to stop but I don't have the power in me to even speak or move. Please move, why can't I move?! No no no, his ring is nearing to be removed by his finger. No. I don't like this. I didn't felt anything to my body until I felt the ring hit me, it bounced off and fell on the floor with a ringing sound. I just stared at it, I'm too numb to move.

Looking at Jiwon he was shocked and concerned, why? Was he shocked because of what he did? I looked at the ring again and saw that there was water falling down. What has the hospital leaked now? But remembering Jiwon's shocked face I knew, it was mine. I was crying. The all so great Hanbin is crying. Fuck.

Before I could even grab him and plead for his forgiveness he ran away from me. I wanna scream so badly for him to stop and don't leave me, but my throat is dry and I can't make a sound out of it. There was nothing I could do, my feet were glued. I'm begging for it to move but it was not listening until my knees gave up and there I was. Kneeling and crying, god I feel so pathetic.

I heard footsteps nearing me, maybe it was the nurse telling me to get out here because of what a mess and a disturbance I am for the patients. Until it stopped right in front of me and spoke, "I can't even pity you right now, you don't even deserve it. You ruined him you know, you are the only one he ever loved. Rot in hell."

I was ashamed to look at him, I just cried till he left. I.. I know I love Jiwon but why? Why is my heart pounding whenever I'm with Jinhwan? Was it truly love I have felt for Jiwon? Or was it because I felt bad hurting the one person who accepted me? I don't know anymore. My head hurts and my chest is hurting so bad.

After a few moments a nurse came to help me and ushered me outside. It was raining. I didn't even have an umbrella with me and I rode with Jiwon's car here. I'm pathetic. I started walking home amidst the rain but I stopped. Realizing I don't even have a home right now, how would I even think of going back home after what I did and Jiwon won't even wanna be with me anymore. Where would I go now?

--

After walking not knowing where to go, I found myself in front of Jinhwan's clinic. I heard the door open and in my view was the receptionist. She helped me sit down and offered me some coffee which I gladly accepted. I looked around and noticed no one was around, sensing my curiosity she spoke. "We're close for the afternoon, Donghyuk the assistant of Doc says so and just rushed out to the hospital. I contemplated to be left behind cause we have many papers to arrange which Doc always prolongs whenever he's here."

I decided not to say anything and nodded at her signaling I was listening to her. Sipping my hot coffee, welcoming the warmth it gave me. I was freezing from the rain. She stood up from her desk and seated beside me, she smiled at me and I returned her the same. Then she spoke again, "You know Mr. Kim I don't hate you or anything it's just I can't tolerate seeing Doc hurt because of you."

I stilled. I never expected for her to say something to me not even this topic. I guess I could talk to her about it, she seems like a nice person and seeing the situation I don't really have anyone anymore. What's there to lose right? "You know there's this person who never leaves me no matter what I've done, we met during college. He was the gangster type and I was the popular guy who has wrapped all the people all around me in my hands."

Ah.. I feel my eyes tearing up. I shouldn't, I need to tell her and ask her for help about what to do. Gripping my mug tightly in my hands I continued, "I decided to go out with him thinking it would be a new experience for me but that didn't stop me from screwing around while he only did was love me and follow me around like a cute puppy."

In my line of view I see a tissue box being offered to me, I guess I can't hold it in at all. How more pathetic can I get? I whispered a thanks and wiped my eyes. "Until one day he caught me on act having sex with another man in some party I went. That day still fingers on my mind, the look on his face was unbearable and that's when I knew I was screwed big time."

I paused and started crying loudly, it hurts. My chest hurts. I feel her closer to me and she patted my back slowly and cooed lightly, making me calm for a bit. "After that happened I promised to myself to change and be a better man for him. Till the day we graduated and I asked him to marry me. We were happy you know, we even got a dog that looks like him. I don't even know when it all started, as the years and months go by there's this feeling that there's a hole in me. Then I met Jinhwan."

"Do you have feelings for Doc? Like romantically not sexually." she asked me. I don't even know the answer to that, I know I have feelings for him but what about Jiwon? "I.. I don't know."

She reached for my hand and held it, making me face her. She was smiling sadly at me, not the face of pity or anger. "If you're gonna ask me I say you have feelings for both Jinhwan and Jiwon, you just have to think whose is more stronger. There's no harm in following your heart, there is no person who doesn't get hurt from it. Take your time and think, let Jiwon be by himself, that's what's best for you both."

Hearing her say that made me feel bad for myself even more, the longer I let Jiwon alone the more he will let go of my hand for him. But maybe this is for the best, I should let my thoughts more clearer on who I love. I hug her and thanked her, after that we no longer talked about that anymore. We enjoyed the silence and the coffee. When it was my time to leave she let me borrowed an umbrella and said to me those words I know will help me for the choice I will make.

"Be strong and follow your heart."