Jerk

Jinhwan

It’s been two days since I last saw Hanbin, I thought he was gotta be persistent wondering if he really has strong feelings for me. But I guessed wrong, he was just blinded by the pleasure from the start. He never loved me, not even once. 

(flashback)
“Please I just need to talk to you.” He was at my front door looking disheveled. Gone was the handsome and carefree man I know, it was the man who had full eye bags under his eyes and clothes wrinkled. “Okay, come in.” This is my opportunity to end all things with him, and I wish I could do it.

“Sit first I’ll get us some drinks.” he muttered thanks and I walked to the kitchen to prepare the coffee. My heart is beating fast, why am I nervous? I’m just ending things with him. Stay calm Jinhwan, you can do this. You have to for Junhoe.

I went back to the room and gave him the drink and sat in front of him. He was not talking and the silence was killing me so I decided to talk first. “Hanbin, I-I think.. No, we have to end things between us. We have already hurt the people who are dear to us and in the process we were hurting ourselves too.”

He didn’t say anything, he just sat there and stared blankly at his coffee. It hurt me to end things with him, it hurt me he’s not saying anything. “You know Jinani, when I first saw you my world light up. I didn’t know my world was dull until I met you. At first I thought it just because you were too handsome and shining that just made me want you but after getting to know you I felt something. I.. I fell in love with you Jinani.”

My grip on the mug tightened, I couldn’t even keep my eye contact on him while he was saying those things. He loves me? Why now? Why is he saying that now? Now that I love Junhoe more than him? Now that I was ready to give him up? What about his husband? Is that why he was looking like a mess because he ended things with him? What happened to them?

“Before you say anything let me finish first because I felt if you interrupted I wouldn’t be able to say what I have to say till the end.” 

I nodded and let him continue. “Jiwon was my pillar, he was the only person back then who truly accepted me despite hurting him many times more than he deserved. He was free to leave me but he didn’t. Until one day I did something worse but he still didn’t leave me, that’s when I realized what love meant. He cried, he got hurt but he was still there. I thought I wouldn’t find a person like that and decided to marry him, not just out of impulse but I really did love him.”

I don’t even know why he’s telling me these things, what would I do with that information? “The reason why I didn’t leave him for you was because I couldn’t not because we’re married but because I owe him this. Honestly I don’t know my feelings at this moment, I know i love you but i love him too.”

What kind of bullshit was that? “Why don’t I help you with that decision Hanbin. I’m ending things between us. I don’t love you anymore, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.” He got shocked by what I said looking at me. 

All I feel is anger towards him, now I know what an idiot I am for loving someone like him. To think I even thought of a future with a guy like this. It just makes my anger worsen. “If you don’t have anything more to say you can get out now.”

He opened his mouth but closed it again. What a coward. I stood up and accompanied him to the door, outside he just stood there and looked down. I sighed and felt helpless, “You know who you really love Hanbin and I know it’s not me. Be good to him and you’ll find what you’re looking for.”
(end of flashback)

After closing that door on him I grabbed my wine and drank the whole day. That’s not what even bothering all these days, it’s the fact that there was not even a single presence from Junhoe. Not even a text. I wonder what happened to him? I know I said Junhoe and I were not meant to be but I was willing to be the person he deserves. How will I even do that when he’s not texting or calling me. Should I make the first move? But if I did he would find it weird cause it’s not like me at all.

I don’t even have anything to do today, the clinic’s have been quiet for the whole afternoon. There were no more clients coming. Sigh guess I should close early today and just go home. I went out of my office and walked to the reception, seeing Suhyun and Chanwoo talking and laughing with each other. “Guess you two are together now?”

Both of them got startled, they didn’t even notice I was walking right on them, “Uh we just kinda hit it off at some point.” Chanwoo said, I’m happy for them mostly for my best friend finally finding someone. “Hey it’s okay, congrats on both of you two. Take good care of him Suhyun he’s kind of a bit hard to handle sometimes.” 

“Hey! I’m a good man!” We both laugh and just fool around with each other. After some time I was left alone closing my clinic, I pushed them out just for them to enjoy the time for themselves. With Chanwoo complaining they were not able to go on dates because I was making Suhyun work all the time, pitying him I agreed to let them off early.

I got in my car and started to drive home, smiling with the thought of what I will say to Junhoe when I see him next time. I miss him already.