I am numb. From head to toe I am numb. Emotions swirling in and out. Rising up and down, around and around. I am numb. I feel like I have no emotions left. I'm left feeling hallow and empty, devoid of the precocious thing called life. Light and dark warring within. Light and dark are needed to win.
I am numb. My mind feels frozen. Like the ice on the lakes and ponds. Frozen like the ice on the mountain tops. My thoughts tumbling like a avalanche. Racing towards a cliff faster and faster. Crashing like thundering waves on a beach. Waves of ice and snow, waves of sharp icicles. The pain of reality.
I am numb with impending grief. I am numb from my emotions. I am numb, knowing the truth of life is inescapable. The world feels like it has ended. It feels so empty and alone. It's dark and I can't see. Not my future, not my past, not the seeping of the hourglass as time feels frozen to me. Creeping along the side of a house like ivy on an old brick building. Creeping along too slow to crash, too fast that it's going to crash.
I am numb. I still have my voice. Can you hear the pain? Can you see the pain? Am I just numb and devoid of my emotions? Did my mask waver? Did you catch a glimpse of the pain inside? Did you see my numb and frozen heart? Can things really get better? Does the pain of reality ever fade? Or does it freeze, an eternal and everlasting reminder of what the truth is. Of how life works and runs until it's truly done.
I am numb. Life must go on. The train is moving down the tracks. Thundering onward and forward. The rollercoaster begins to increase its speed for the next loop. The car shifts it's gears, hovering on the break incase it needs to reduce its speed. Passengers bracing for the impact of a curveball or brick wall. Am I floating yet? Has the train been derailed? Has the rollercoaster stopped mid air, arms gripping tight and piercing screams? Has the reality of the situation sunk in, or is denial the king of this game?
I am numb. I could lie and say I'll be fine. That the reality is reality and can't change. That this is eventually the end for everyone and everything. To that I say Momento Mori. But in truth it's really about how we live our lives. Or how the things we take care of have gotten to live their lives. I am numb for now. Not ready to heal. Not ready to really let go.
