Going Back To You

06.

A good three years had passed, I started to understand that Arin felt the same way as I did. But I just couldn't fathom his complacency about the matter. Why was I the only one filled with revelries and anxieties at the same time? Added to these feelings of bemusement was the impounding reality of the next big hurdle- college.

So much of it entailed fighting and perishable convincing with my father, he'd claim that he'd allow me to be whoever and then conveniently revert to his true nature which was akin to an authoritarian. Sometimes, my sheltered rage would explode and I'd almost become physical. My mother and Arin would get very disappointed and I would be left feeling remorse. 'He's your father, Naksh! Show respect!' My mother would constantly remind me. On the other hand, Arin, would tell me, 'They just care about you, it would make me mad if your father hit you, so you can imagine, it would make your family mad if you hit your father.' I wondered if I was 'family' to Arin. And when I looked at him each time, I'd just simply want for everything to just stay the same- never growing up, frolicking around, sleepovers and conversations.

Fact remained that I barely knew what I wanted for myself. My heart was being laid out on the altar and the emotions of two forces would begin to tear me apart from within, forcing me to choose that, which I was familiar and secure with, over that, which I was enchanted by. The knowledge that no matter what choice I make, I would simply end up betraying the other. That, when the climax comes crashing, I would only end up betraying myself.

I only felt pure anguish when I saw Arin animatedly conversing with Amma- Amma's eyes lighting up at something he said, Amma drew her hands around Arin's shoulders and ruffled Arin's hair. Then I looked back at Appa, he turned his head away from me, the feeling of my insides being set on fire, my mind in a blur...I was overwhelmed, I locked myself in my room.

Arin knocked on the door twice, and then two more times, he called out my name five times and then I saw his shadow recede from beneath the door. I felt cold, the centre of my chest was growing colder, I felt a void growing in my stomach, my breath growing heavier and more painful each time.

"Naksh? What happened?" said Arin, while standing on the exterior windowsill and jumping inside. He walked up to me.

"Nothing."

He crouched in front of me, gently placing my hand in his own and looking at me with worry with big round eyes. His palms were soft and cold...why did I bother anymore?

"Tell me what happened, please? Don't be so quiet."

"I can't be with you." I whispered with what little courage I could muster. This is how it should be, I convinced myself.

"Why? What happened? Tell me Naksh."

"Go away please, I don't want you here. I want to be alone."

"No. I want to know what happened, did your father say something to you?"

"Go away!" I yelled swatting his hands away. "I don't want you here, go away!" I was scared of the boy in front of me. "Go away! Leave me alone!" How could he do this to me? "Please..." How could he? How could he make me believe that there was even a possibility?

The layers of yellow began peeling away, the flowers that had once bloomed withered away, the sun was forced to hide behind clouds of rain; warmth and hope ravaged and out of fear and despair I came to know hate. Hate for the boy in front of me, hate for the love I had felt for him. Hate that burned the very fibers of my being, forming a protective blanket and shielding from my vision a torn, crying love begging for forgiveness.

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A/N: Remember, this is a collaboration between I and my co-writer, Merakioni . Please, go and support this story which is up on her profile as well! While you're at it, it would be appreciable if you checked out her other works!

Beautiful cover by Merakioni ^.