Going Back To You

07.

The boy who came to rule my mind, did not distance away. In spite of all the tricks and all the bullying. Why wouldn't he just go away? When he left, with his eyes detached, body slouched and parched skin- defeated and exhausted, a war would commence inside my heart, leaving my chest rumbling and an inexplicable shiver from within would run through the unnerving emotions. I didn't know what it was I was intending to do- I was slowly ruining him and myself, like a sand timer timed for eternity and every bead of sand is a painful consciousness.

A month had remained before we left for our respective colleges, miles apart. Maybe I should've left fate to take its course, knowing things between us would've dissipated without the physical nearness. I should've made the last few months a superlative delight. Should've exchanged trinkets we kept enclosed in our kwality walls icecream boxes shaped like footballs, should've gone on that trip to the nearby warerfalls, explored shiny roads on our bicycles. Feeling regret, I dropped my head in my palms and massaged my temples. I looked outside the window, recollecting the night Arin had jumped  right inside when I'd locked myself in constriction, would he come in today?

I kept my window open. And I waited all night. From then on, I waited every night, hoping for the star-eyed boy with brown frizz atop his head, lean mucles and the shadows on his skin from the  ridges of his bones. I wanted him. I missed him so much, and I hated myself even more.

Arin came to me during the last class for the day, it was science. Arin's favorite. I enjoyed history more but Arin never fathomed it, this realization left a dispersion of footprints upon memories where my father had dismissed my keenness in the subject as irrelevant. I was starting to feel like no one understood me, let alone appreciated me. I always made up for Appa's torment with Arin's compassion. Ever since, I had begun to push Arin away through fluxes of insults, I had felt incredibly alone.

"Can I talk to you?" Arin's even voice reverberated the corners of my mind, and of course the beating in my chest whisked as my palms became sweaty and the same disgust washed over me. I hated myself for treating him so bad. Why couldn't I just stop?

"I don't want to talk to you!" I refused to look at him, in an intendment to disrespect him, but all I knew was, the riving tears at the corner of my eyes could come off into full fledged sobs if I entertained him any longer.

I turned to walk away from him. I was making my way down the stairs and into the playground that lead to the main gate of the school, when Arin's sweaty palms gripped my wrist and, still panting, he said to me in the most shattering voice, "Please."

"What?" I snapped, I had my back facing him because I just couldn't have him see me!

"Will you tell me what I did wrong? So, I can fix it?"

"You can't fix this."

"Then...what did I do wrong?"

You should've let me be. You shouldn't have asked me for that bat. You shouldn't have tutored me, played with me, slept beside me. You shouldn't have!

Sublime dread boded in my thoughts, as I wondered what I should tell him.

I left hastily, running towards the exit. Arin had always known to leave me alone whenever I requested it, but I found him chasing me.

"Naksh!"

I ran. To my house. That bloody dwelling amidst such brokenness, I wondered if anything would ever change if I left. But...would I return?

I'd return to Arin. Wherever he was. Because, he is home.

I stopped running. What was I doing? If he is home, why I was I running away from him?

Sometimes, I don't understand if I even did grow up? Everyone treated me like a child. I treated myself like a child. There was not one thing that made me feel like it was 'just a phase' contrary to how everyone implied.

Cricket? You'll grow out of it.

History? You'll grow out of it.

Childhood? Everyone grows out of it.

Arin? I couldn't even imagine ever growing out of it.

Life? I wish I grew out of it.

There's no memo on your eighteenth birthday on "how to be an adult without falling off a cliff everytime you're at a dead end."

How do I do life? How do I do growing up without feeling a heavy opportunity cost for living the way I do. In my head, I chose this life, but I know I didn't.

Sometimes, it's so awkward to look at anyone. Even Arin. He could smile and smile, and I just wouldn't know how to carry the weight of my own body.

Am I doing this right? Was growing up always meant to feel so stagnant and pivoting?

I stopped, the same streets I saw everyday, felt blurry and exhausting. I wondered how would this place look in my memories.  Would I want to remember this place? I probably did not. But I looked around, the ice cream uncle's moving cart, the mosque that sang prayers every Friday at five A.m., the pet shop and the number of times I requested the owner to give a kitten away for free, the small stationary shop from where I always bought my school supplies and textbooks. And Arin.

Arin collided into my chest, and soon wrapped his hands around my waist, resting his head on my back. And I spoke, with my throat parched and my teeth constantly gritting in pain, "Something doesn't add up."

I felt Arin lift his head as he leaned further into my back, with his chin in the crook of my neck.

"What doesn't add up?"

"A future without you in it."

I felt wetness from Arin's tears daub on my shoulder.

We both couldn't handle it.

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A/N: Remember, this is a collaboration between I and my co-writer, Merakioni . Please, go and support this story which is up on her profile as well! While you're at it, it would be appreciable if you checked out her other works!

We apologize for the delay and the erratic way this story is being published. A lot has happened and we've been dealing with our academic and personal struggles. So we appreciate everyone who's still not given up and has supported this story thus far! Thank you so much for all your support. Happy reading!