My dearest Harry,
This letter is probably the first of many. I don't think 100 letters could ever be enough for all of the things I need to tell you. Wouldn't even be enough to start telling you how much you mean to me, but that isn't what this letter is for. This letter is an explanation. I expect that you've just got home from work, and hopefully you put your keys in the bowl like you always do and see these letters. Before you do anything at all, I need you to sit down and read these letters. Please.
I want to start by telling you how sorry I am that you have to hear this from a piece of paper, that these letters are the last piece of me that you will ever have, but I just couldn't bear to see the look on your face. To see the little crinkles you get when you furrow your brows whenever you get upset, the way you bite your lip to hold back your tears. Selfish, I know, but I don't really have the time to regret it. Just know that you're allowed to be angry at me, you can be fucking furious. In fact I expect you to hate me, and that's okay. Just please don't think that I didn't love you. I never wanted to leave.
You know I hate lying to you, I know you hate me lying to you. I lied and I hated it. When I went to the doctors last week, or I suppose it was probably a couple of months ago as you're reading this, after you begged me to just go and get these headaches checked out, that was the first time I lied. While you were at work, I went to the doctor a few more times. They wanted to do some tests. It turns out that it wasn't just migraines. The doctor didn't just send me home with some painkillers. I wasn't going to be okay after a good nights sleep. It was glioblastoma multiforme, a brain tumour. It was fatal.
Trust me, the first thing that I wanted to do was run home and hold you, tell you how scared I was. I just wanted to scream and shout and cry. But I didn't. I didn't because I just couldn't bear to be the one to hurt you like that. I told myself that I'd tell you when I'd wrapped my head around everything but the lies just built up and I couldn't face it. I'm so sorry.
You're due home any minute so this letter has to end but I promise this isn't the last.
I love you,
Louis
