My sweet Harry,
You may remember that this morning I held you for a little longer, that I told you I love you a few more times than usual. It pained me to let you walk out the door this morning because that was the last time that I would ever get to see your beautiful face, to feel my fingers in your hair, to hear your voice. That was the last time that I would feel your skin against mine, look into your eyes. That was the last time that you would ever hear me tell you I loved you. And you didn't even know. You don't know how much it hurts me to know that you never got to say goodbye. Your probably already yelling at me for it.
This cancer has taken everything from me. It has taken you. I always knew that I wouldn't let it be the one to kill me. I would. I tried to hold on, believe me I tried so fucking hard but it was so painful and the longer I stayed, the harder it was for me to leave. It wouldn't have been long before I really started to lose myself. There was a chance that I could have started having seizures and I couldn't face the thought of you being so confused when a doctor had to tell you that your boyfriend had been keeping secrets. I should have told you at the start. I should have fucking told you and it's the one regret that I have to carry with me in death. I'm so fucking sorry Harry but I'm gone.
I need you to breathe for me, I've left your asthma pump out and a glass of water. I really need you to finish this letter. I know it's hard but please.
I just want to say that I don't deserve you. You brought me nothing but happiness and I'm about to bring you so much pain. You don't deserve that. You deserve to feel nothing but love for your whole, hopefully long, life. I know that it's going to be really hard, but I need you to find your happiness again. I already feel so guilty for everything that I've put you through, and I don't want to be responsible for you wasting you life away. I want you to have the biggest, most extravagant wedding. I want you to be someone's prettiest groom. I want you to be the best fucking dad that the world has ever seen. I want you to embarrass every single one of your children when they go to school. And then I want you to grow old. I want you to get wrinkly and lose all of your hair. I want you to have a brood of grandchildren to spoil rotten. I want you to live. Because I can't.
If there is a heaven, you know that I will be right next to you for the rest of your life. As painful as it is, I want you to move on with someone else. You're so young, too young for your life to be over. That is the one thing that I wish for. Oh and I also want a bright pink coffin. I know you probably aren't up for jokes right now, but I can't help but try. I just want to see you smile, even if it's only a little.
You'll see that I've written separate letters for everyone else. They're in the top draw in my office desk. I'm sorry that you have to be the one to tell my mum. The two of you both need to look out for each other. You can bond over how much you hate me for lying to you. Don't isolate yourself. People are there for you. You have friends. You have family. Let them help you. You don't need to be the strong one. Please just let yourself grieve. And look after yourself. I don't want you to stop eating or sleeping. I don't need you wasting away as well.
You can probably tell that I'm rambling but I can't bring myself to stop writing. There's just too many things that I want to say to you. I know that English has never been my strong point but I honestly don't think that Shakespeare could have found the right words. You mean more to me than words can say. You are my everything and you always will be.
I just need you to promise me that you won't go in the bathroom. I know that you may well be standing up to go now, but don't. Just call an ambulance or something and they'll sort everything out. There isn't anything that you can do. Please, please, please just stay where you are. I know that making a cup of tea really isn't what feels appropriate right now but just do anything to keep yourself calm. I love you and I'm sorry that I'm such an asshole. I'm sorry that I did this. I'm sorry that I lied to you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I don't want to leave you. I'm so scared. I don't want to die. I'm gonna miss you so much. I'm gonna miss everyone. I feel so selfish and so stupid and I wish I would've just told you. I want to say goodbye probably. I want to hold you so fucking close and kiss you just like the first time. I want us to go to Paris like we planned. I was going to fucking propose. I had our entire lives planned out and now it's all gone and I have nothing. I don't want to leave you yet. It's unfair and it's stupid and I love you. Please don't forget about me. Remember how much I loved you. Remember that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't ever want to stop writing. How do you even say goodbye to the person that means the most to you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you H,
Louis
