My lover Harry,
I hate this. I don't know what to do anymore. This fucking curse has already taken away our future and now it's ruining us. You were just worried, you just wanted to help. You saw me weak and shaking, no wonder you asked what was wrong. I look like I'm on bloody deaths door, probably because I am. I hate how lost you looked. How your face fell when I yelled at you. I should never be the one to make you feel like that. I don't know what's happening to me anymore. I feel like I don't know who I am. I'm just so tired and everything fucking hurts and I'm not ready to leave yet. I want to stay. I want to stay with you forever. You don't deserve any of this. I wish cancer didn't exist. I wish I never existed so that you wouldn't have to lose me.
I don't blame you for leaving just now, and I want you to promise me that you will never blame yourself. You don't know. This is all my fault. I should have told you but it's too late now. I just want you to hold me and tell me everything will be okay but it won't. Nothing is okay. I can't think straight, my head doesn't stop aching, I can barely swallow without wanting to just cry because it all hurts. It hurts that I'm hurting you.
I can barely write with the shakes that I get in my hands. I'd be surprised if you can even read this. I can't even process the fact that I have just weeks, maybe days left with you. I don't want days, I want years, decades. Fuck it I want centuries with you. You are the love of my life. You are my soulmate. I'm sorry that I lied. I'm sorry that I'm leaving. I'm sorry that you have to get hurt because of me. I'm sorry. I always just wanted you to be happy and I can't even do that.
I know that the day is coming when I'll have to leave you. This may be one of the last letters I write. What do I even say? I can't even think about saying goodbye. I hope you know just how much I love you. Not how much I loved you. I will always love you. Always. Never forget that. Please don't forget that I loved you more than anything in my life and I will love you more than anything in the next. You will always be my one true love. I know that it's sappy as shit but it's the truth.
I don't really want to end this letter in fear of what the next one might be but right now I have I boyfriend who I need to give plenty of kisses and cuddles and a big, fat apology to.
I love you,
Louis
