My dearest Louis,
I know that there's not really much point writing this letter because you will never get to read it but I feel like I have to. Honestly I'm glad that you'll never read it because you'd be so mad at me for what I'm about to do.
I can't even begin to explain how hard the past two months have been. Two months without you by my side. Two months since I held you on the bathroom floor. I hate that the last time I touched you was under the sympathetic eyes of a doctor who had to be the one to tell me that you'd taken a fucking overdose.
I'm so angry at you and it makes me feel like the worst person alive. How can I be so angry at a dead man. Because that's what you are. Dead. I buried you. I watched them lower you down in the most stupidly obnoxious pink coffin that I have ever seen. Weirdly enough it didn't really brighten the mood. Not when I was having to hold onto the hands of your grieving sister because their big brother left without saying goodbye.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be trying to make you feel guilty, it's not your fault. How the fuck can I blame you for anything. If anyone is to be blamed it's me. I should have noticed something was wrong. I should have stayed home with you that day- I could see it in your eyes, clear as day but I walked out the fucking door.
You beautiful, stupid, asshole. How could you ever think it was a good idea? I could have been there for you. It should have been me there with you at the doctors, the scans, taking care of you, hell, it should have been me holding you when you took your last fucking breath. But you were alone. I should have been there.
Nothings the same. It's far too quiet. The bed feels twice as big without you laying next to me. The boys hardly speak around me, scared I'll start crying. Honestly, it feels like I haven't stopped crying in two months. I can't live without you.
So I'm not going to.
You are my sun, my moon, my stars. You are my world. I really hope that there is a heaven up there because I could really do with a hug from you right about now. I'll see you soon baby.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you Lou,
Harry xx
