To Learn to Let Go | ✔

Chapter 12

Trent's face hardened as the words came out of my mouth. Adam raped me. I thought at first that he was disgusted with me, and so I went to pull my hand back. But Trent wouldn't let me let go. I didn't panic though, because it wasn't forceful, he just gave my hand a reassuring squeeze, and gently rubbed his thumb along the back of my hand. Tears continued to fall as Trent processed what I had told him, his face contorted as he felt a range of emotions from anger to confusion to sadness. Then came the questions.

"When? How? Your parents don't know? Do-"

"Trent!" I cut him off before he could keep going. He looked apologetic as he realized he had overwhelmed me with the questions.

"I'm sorry, I just, I'm so angry," a worried expression crossed my face. "No, not at you! At him."

"It s-started when I was l-like 10. It s-stopped when I was 13," I said.

"Gray, that's only like 3 years ago," he said sadly.

"H-he's my Dad's b-best friend. He used to b-babysit me when they went o-out. If I... if I d-didn't do what he said or d-do it fast e-enough or w-well enough, he would do it. He would say 't-this is what h-happens to boys who d-don't listen.'" I was choking back sobs at this point. I had never said these words out loud and doing so made them more real than they ever had been. I never thought I would share my trauma with anyone. This was my burden to bear, and mine alone. Seeing the looks on Trent's face just confirmed to me that I shouldn't have told him. This was too much to put on someone else. He was probably going to leave and never speak to me again. I mean, who would want someone as broken as me? Of course, when I start to care about someone, when I start to connect with them, I ruin it.

"I'm so sorry," Trent's words surprised me. "You know it's not your fault, right Gray?" He asked, which caused the sobs I was holding back to rattle my entire body. I took my hand back, Trent letting go this time, and curled into a fetal position, burying my head in my lap as I sobbed. He just sat with me and let me sob. He wasn't trying to make me feel better or erase the pain I was feeling. I had finally stopped crying, but I still couldn't bring myself to look up at Trent. "Grayson? Please look at me?" Through teary eyes I looked up him, my hazel eyes meeting his green ones.

"I've n-never told anyone b-before." Trent's face shifted, a look of realization flashed across his face, and then turned to one of sadness and hurt.

"Thank you for telling me." Again, I started to fight tears. All these years I imagined what would happen if I told my story. All scenarios ended in them leaving me, disgusted by what I had brought upon myself. It was hard to hear Trent's words because I didn't believe them myself. Of course, it was my fault. I didn't listen to Adam, I didn't get him his beer when he asked, I fucked up cooking dinner, whatever the case was. I did these things that made this monster hurt me. Yes, he was a monster, but I should have been better at making sure it didn't happen. How could anything else be true? "I know you probably don't believe me, hell, if you were to tell me the same thing I don't know if I would believe you. But I'm telling you, as someone outside of the situation, it is not your fault. You were just a kid, hell, you still are. He is a grown man. There is no universe where any of what he did to you is your fault."

"I w-want to believe you," I stuttered.

"You don't have to, not yet. But you will someday."

"Thank you," I managed to say through more tears.

"For what?"

"Being so u-understanding."

"Of course, you can tell me anything, and I will never judge you or think differently of you because of it." He smiled gently at me and I felt so comforted. "Can I ask you something?" I nodded. "What made you tell me this now?"