ONCE (JoongNine AU)

Chapter 4

5 years ago, Before The Second Kiss

Joong

I just finished cleaning up myself for our next shoot. Brushing my teeth and washing my face clean. The next thing to do was wearing the dress set for the shoot, a pajama. Yes, the confession scene again was done on the bed, and the description for the kiss was more detailed this time. Although I was not that confident, but there was no way to ask for Nine's help this time. The first one had already caused so much chaos and confusion within myself, made worse by Nine obvious avoidance of having me around afterward.

For a month, we were liked stranger that never had a close relationship, when in reality, I had already slept a few times at Nine's dorm while preparing for my exam or after a late-night shoot. We had progressed backward and our relationship had stalled. I searched for the pajama, but didn't find it with my other things. I must had left it back at one of the room converted as a dressing room. Usually I brought my clothes to the bathroom, too shy to change in front of other people, in the same room.

As I was entering the room, I could hear a conversation going on inside, the voices were familiar, one belonged to Nine and the other one was P'Nook, the makeup artist that found us flushed, right after the kiss.

"Nong Nine, P' had wanted to ask this for a long time, but, P' didn't want to cause nong a discomfort".

"Sure, P', you can ask anything. I'll try to answer, if I can".

"Did Nong had a fight with Nong Joong?". Nine was silent for a bit and then answered hesitantly.

"No...we didn't fight, P'".

"Oyyy, don't lie na, Nine. P' could see both of you not talking or being together that much lately. Usually when P' did the makeup, one will wait for the other, now each comes alone; one come in, the other will run out, and usually it's Nine who ran. Eyyy, what did Joong do to you? Was it because of the last shoot?".

"What...what about the last shoot, P'?"

"P' just didn't want both of you to be embarassed, but actually, when P' came into the room, you both were so red liked a new year's red packet, your lips were swollen a bit too. You just kissed, right? Oyy, P' was also young, once", P'Nook laughed while slapping Nine's thigh. "At that time, Nong also ran away liked now".

"Shhh...P'. Please, Joong will come in anytime", I could hear Nine said in a rush.

"What's the problem Nong Nine, you guys also going to kiss again tonight, so why being so embarrassed about it. Work and play, oyy, my nongs, so naughty".

"Actually P', I kissed before, but never with any guy...".

"So, how? Do you like it, kissing a guy, or you just liked kissing Nong Joong? He is really handsome too. So, lucky!".

I waited for Nine to answer, he was quiet and clearing his throat carefully a few times.

"If not for work, I don't think I could bear doing this, P'. It was burdensome, and messed with my mind. I wished I never had to go through this again. Really, it hurts me, too much to kiss him again, he might not feel anything, but I did, right to my stomach, that I feel liked throwing up. Lucky, this will be our last kiss, and no more. I couldn't do it anymore, if it will be much more than this".

"Oh my! What was that Nong Nine, you felt...disgusted?".

I didn't want to hear his answer. He said that I didn't feel a thing? Yet, what I felt was so contrasting than what he felt. I felt giddy, delirious with happiness and something that I couldn't define, and the only thing he felt was...disgust? My heart was beating erratically. I didn't want to be with people, so I chose to sit at the outside gate, looking at the nothingness except darkness in front of me, while my head felt a sudden headache. Now, how to keep kissing someone who don't want to be kissed by me? The only way is to be stoically...heartless.

Nine

Today was the day to shoot the second kiss scene. In the bedroom. I rubbed my sweaty hands on my pants. This shouldn't make me nervous, but it really did. Because of what happened a month ago. After the kiss practice, the actual scene only needed 3 takes to be completed. And that was only because of the multiple camera angles needed, then to be edited later as one, continuous scene. P'Nam was more than pleased, Joong was back to his energetic, vibrant self and I...was doomed.

Things that I was afraid of, back when we were paired up during audition, was coming back to haunt me. With just a heartfelt kiss, I couldn't deny what I felt anymore; I was attracted to Joong. The problem was, at first, I thought I was younger than him, his height and stature was domineering, but then, I got to know his actual age, and so, the attraction that I felt, seemed so wrong to be pursued. He was too young, not yet reach the age of 20.

So, when we were chosen as partners, I tried as hard as I could to be the elder; taking care of him, being the mature one, being the serious one. Being responsible for my young partner was more important than losing him due to my need. I'd put my feeling hidden so well behind this brotherly mask. We only had a few months to spend together, this would be easy to bear. After this, we would separate; with our own work, study and different life altogether.

"Nine, be ready in 20 minutes, where's Joong?", P'Cha, the assistant director asked me suddenly. I shook my head, I didn't know, because I kept avoiding meeting Joong earlier than needed. I could feel Joong's questioning eyes bored into mine every time we had to shoot scenes together. Yet, he remained silent and would only sigh when I immediately escaped the room after finishing each take. I would go anywhere secluded and read the script for the next shoot. Basically, we never practiced together again, after the first kiss.

When there's only 10 minutes left, and there's no trace of Joong, I was worried. I asked around and no one saw where he went to. I put down my script and searched almost everywhere near the vicinity, until I heard a vomiting sound from outside the front gate of the rented location. I peeked outside and saw Joong who was sitting on the dusty floor and leaned his back on the wall. He closed his eyes briefly and taking deep breaths to calm down.

He must had sensed that I was looking at him, but he chose to not look at me and just stared at the dark road ahead. I slowly sat down beside him and touched his forehead, it was not hot, meaning he was not having a fever. He still not reacting or saying anything.

"Joong, you're not feeling well? Stomach ache? You're vomiting. Tell me, so I could alert the team. We could ask to delay the shoot, after you have rested a bit", I said while running my fingers along his damp hair. He must be sweating bullet for it to be this damp. Joong laughed a bit, the sound was so cold, and that made me felt confused.

"I thought I am already invisible to you, P'. For a month, it seemed you only see me when we shoot something. Now, this is new, you could see me sitting here", he said so quietly, not even raising his voice. His words were harsh, but it was what I deserved. "Oh, I forgot, we must be needed now, for our scene, so that's why you're looking for me", he said and stood up from his perch on the floor. I remained quiet and not reacting to his provocation. He was hurt, it was obvious, but I didn't know how to explain my side of things.

"Come, P'. Let's hurry up. They'll be waiting. I need to brush my teeth back, or else you'll taste my lips and...vomit". I didn't follow Joong immediately, and he realized that, but still he walked ahead, leaving me alone outside of the gate.