All Tonight

New York City, September 18, 2020

Me and Nathan were good for each other in the time we were together. It was a weird kind of relationship, that not many would cherish. There wasn't anything spontaneous about it. We did the boring couple things like hang out and watch movies instead of go out and be with friends. We asked each other about work and family instead of old memories and bold moments. We hugged but never kissed. We went to lunch but never dinner. We were friends but more. We were good for each other because there was nothing wrong. There was nothing there to be wrong. No opposing views or budding arguments. He pushed me to do better but never challenged me to do so.

We were good and maybe I could've loved him.

"So you're telling me that the only reason you're with me is because Nathan didn't fucking want you." Chris spits. He's standing now, pacing back and forth in the small living room.

I rub at my temples trying to ease the migraine soon to blossom. "No that's not what I'm saying." I tell him.

"So what the fuck are you saying, Ava." He yells.

I stand and go to him stopping him from pacing. It's making me nervous. "Look, Nathan didn't make me choose like you do because he knew how much I loved you." I tell him.

"I don't make you choose." Chris yells. He's in my face now waving his hands in the air around us.

"Yes you do." I yell matching his tone even though I have tears stinging at the back of my eyes. I try to keep my voice steady but I can't help it when it breaks. "You always make me choose. It's you or my job; you or my friends; you or my family. Im in fucking New York because you made me choose." I yell.

"I didn't force you to come here." He scoffs. That's true, he didn't force me to come here with him but I knew I would lose him if I didn't. That's how it always is. It's a constant battle of me choosing between Chris or the world. That's how it's always been and I fear that's how it'll always be.

"But I did," I tell him. "because I love you. And you said you couldn't be with me if I was in Italy."

"I told you to go to Italy." He says.

"You and I both know what you meant." I think back on that night. That was probably the biggest blip in our relationship. The night that Chris made me choose him over my career.