All Tonight

New York City, November 25, 2019

"Still can't believe you didn't try the tomato soup." Chris shakes his head faking disappointment. "It's the best in all of New York." He says.

"You know I don't like tomatoes." I tell him. The restaurant he took me to is so fancy. It's the kind of restaurant that you have to make a reservation far in advance for. So fancy that you can't get in without a tie and jacket.

Chris insisted on taking me here saying that he wanted me to taste a steak that they make. He told me to dress in my finest and I did. I sit here wearing a knee length red dress with the back out. I did my hair up too and tried something new with my makeup that I'm very happy about.

Chris wears a black turtle neck with the gold chain that I got him for his birthday and dress pants.

"Actually I didn't know that." He says and we laugh.

I sigh dramatically. "8 years together and what do we have to show for it." I tease him. He smiles and butterflies swarm my stomach. Wow. It's hard to believe that we've been together for 8 years. Even though college seems so far away, these 8 years have passed so quickly.

"8 years is so long." Chris says and I nod in agreement. "We've had our ups and downs but I'm glad we've made it through." He says.

When we broke up 5 months ago I wasn't sure if we'd make it then. I was sure that when he left he was gone for good. We've been through some rough patches but we've never broken up. Truthfully we would've been together 8 years in September but we broke up late June. We've only been back together for 3 months.

It's been good these 3 months. We haven't fought a day since I asked him to come back home. Everything's been so perfect that the time has flown by.

"I love you Ava, more than anything in the world." He says and I blush. "I love your smile and your laugh. I love the way dance at random moments and how you recite monologues from your favorite to shows. I love everything about you and I want you to be mine forever." Chris grabs something from his pocket and gets down beside the table on one knee.

Shit. This can't be happening right now. Panic starts in my chest. "Chris get up." I say looking around making sure no one has noticed. I don't want this to blow up and have everyone staring at me, their eyes willing me to say yes.

"Ava will you-"

"Chris, please. I'm begging you, stand up." I whisper.

His face drops and he's no longer as happy as he was a few seconds ago. He stands and takes his seat. "Why?" He asks.

"It's just,..." I can't seem to find the right words. My heart is beating so fast and I'm starting to sweat.

"You don't want to marry me." He finishes for me.

"I'm not even sure what I want. I mean we just got back together. I don't want to ruin this." I tell him. I reach out and touch his hand that rests on the table but he moves it back and puts it in his lap. "Chris, please." I plead with him.

"It's been 8 years Ava. What are we doing? I want us to be together forever, what do you want?" He asks.

"I want that too but-" I can't seem to find the words that I'm looking for or any words that will make this better.

"But you don't want to marry me?" His tone is accusing.

What do I say? What can one say after saying no to a marriage proposal? He's right I don't want to marry him. But not just him, I just don't want to be married. That's too much for me. Being married in my own opinion is like the end of a life. I'll be tied to one person for the rest of my life and it's not just about what I want anymore. It's about what we want. Where we want to live. When we want to start a family. How we see ourselves in the future. I'm not ready to be a we when I've barely even been a me.

I'm silent for far too long. I don't know how to bring myself to tell him no.

"Got it." He says bitterly. He raises his hand and the waiter comes over. "Can we get the check?" He asks. The waiter nods and soon brings our check over.

The car ride home is silent. It's a thick, angry silence, so tense it makes me want to jump out the car and walk home.

When we get in the apartment Chris goes to the bathroom and takes a shower. He's in there so long that I start to wonder if he'll ever come out. I get undressed, take my makeup off and then go to bed.

It's 2 in the morning when I feel the bed dent in my sleep from Chris. His back touches mine and then there's a strong, almost unbearable smell of alcohol that follows. He must've left while I was asleep. I hope he didn't drive here while drunk.

"Did you drive home?" I ask quietly.

"No, Ava." He groans.

It's like a dream. Everything is the same and yet something feels off between us. Deep down in me I cry.