In your mind

Huit

Sleep couldn't find me, no matter how many times i forced myself to imagine a white world .. with nothing but blankness and a never ending white road to walk through.

White like snow .. like clouds and thickening mist .. like a baby's first blanket when it falls on it's novel fragile skin.
like all the purities but then impurities always found a way in the mind of the troubled, a way filled with coal ready to poison it with it's smoke. Raging fire in it's many sulci, prohibiting the chance to be clean and finally face the sleep that it was apparently banned from.

But I found relief in awakening too, my head started to move right and left trying to find recognition.. the feeling of dread still deep in my cranium like a wild rabbit listening .. the moving leaves kissing goodbye a bad hunter as he painfully loudly moves through and birds devoid of notes to sing waiting on edge for the final breath to be drawn and to never be let out through a rodent's teeth, and despite it all, there was no telling. Ears are still back and hind legs are still ready to flee in the tall grass, would the rabbit survive ? Would it escape? Or would it still take an arrow to the eye before it dies even though all the signs of a predator had been given ?

In that depressing room, with also a single but lifeless light bulb above my head and one person to share the room with, I couldn't help but notice the rough sheets and the light snoring. It was those things that i had so annoyingly missed.. It was in those slow moments, that i started to feel my epiglottis close of by the weight of pure fear sitting on top of it and wiggling it's legs, preventing me from breathing.

So much that i decided to step out and wander in the dark wild.

I took out my boots from under the bed, trying with as much lightness as possible not to wake a snoring martha in the adjacent old bed to my left.

I took the jacket from a chair on the other side of my bed and started to move my bare feet, praying for the usually hidden flesh hardened by the long walks and age to soften for only a few minutes, slowly towards a door that might reopen my trachea.

And there as the door finally closed behind me, leaving a ghost of a sleeping ann beside martha inside.

" coward. "

I jumped and spun around so fast that i almost lost my balance, my eyes were being filled with fireworks booming in danger warnings in the dark.

" what ? " i asked almost out of breath, with that tone he used, as if with this one simple word from him the rabbit will miss the terrible hunter and in the process.. it's life.

Like how i lost my appetite for going outside and tried to dismiss my fear as well, as if it was fear of finding wild cats hibernating in that hell hole. Which was simply unrealistic.

But truth was, there was nothing else left to fear.

Nothing but

losing a company i'd been so harshly deprived of for so long.. again.
However unfair to myself, I couldn't get used to it.

I couldn't let the cheerful colours of eyes, the wise words of the living and the assuring yet irritating snores get to me, otherwise, i crumble by another unnecessary loss.

To me, They all have to be dead.

" so you found us hoping too much out of you and now you want to leave without causing trouble ? " alex asked, chest broad and hands to his sides ... still and cautious , probably not expecting an answer cause he pressed on, " you don't know how much we need you now."

" i wasn't leaving. " my voice struggling to fight back his attack as usual.

" then what do you call this ?" pointing at my deteriorating boots and no longer comforting jacket, " going for a butterfly chase ?! " he whispered Angrily.