In your mind

Trois

A guard or a soldier is someone who is under minimal control. That , i learned when i'd heard them speak.

i spied on them for a good amount of time in the first year of my solitude.

They didn't go to gather in restaurants, for food like everybody else.

Food was delivered to their station. Yeah , they had a station too.

I call it ' guard station '.

and guards weren't present in the streets before but they now are. Because they're looking for out-fits. For people like me. Or for people who were able to return back.

It did highly surprise me to know about this one. It was possible to come back.

And i saw it with my own eyes.

And what did the guards do ? they were the sensors , they were the eyes and ears of the controllers. But the guards had the control of movement and speech even if still by a certain command. At least their brains aren't told to go to the left or to lift up their arms like concert goers.

   It is not new that we always manipulate ourselves. We always give and steal. And that is the ancient secret buried in our bones. There is always a price that was once our own. And even i, would have been tempted. If the privilege was my free will , even if i had zero privacy to my thoughts , i'd accept in a blink.

A poem , that was , something you could learn by watching the movement of a screw driver. That's how the beauty of humanity works. You push but also can pull. You can build a mansion or bring down someone's home. You make bargains on things that don't even belong to you, and shape them however you like.

  I remember one time during the middle of my first year alone when i was watching from my house's living room , under the light of a candle that didn't offer one eighth of the warmth i used to feel from my dad. one of the walking civilians , filthy with bleeding bare feet and torn clothes had started talking curses and attacking guards. but one interesting thing caught my eyes specifically. The mention of heaven.  He said they'd "tricked" him.

   That left me as hungry as a new born kitten , for information. For anything that could bring me my parents back even if maybe .. i won't be there to see them.

   But he left too soon. They'd killed him too soon. But other interesting things stole my attention.
why would a guard alert another ?
Couldn't one guard act on his own ?
Or was it something else , something like the fear they'll realise that the sleeping guard against the tree had turned off his sensors and instead of watching for the zombies, the controllers were watching his non-sense dreams and when they know that he'd failed them and their " deal ", it will cost him his mind ? So his " friend " in duty decided to alert him and save him somehow ?

That was what happened that night. The guard who was supposed to be walking around the circumference of my awkwardly-created small neighbourhood , was peacefully dreaming under a tree and in front of a small fire so there comes two things.
One , civilians sleep only in the castle up the cliff that is quite close to the circumference, from the outside.
So the civilian i saw was certainly a misfit.
And two , another guard came up to the one sleeping and hit him awake to deal with the situation.
So a conclusion floated on the surface of my brain's fluids.
Guards weren't under the same control that snatched my parents from me.

    It was a miracle i didn't get caught , despite my stupidity back then. But apparently, that stupidity is still present , for I'm certainly getting caught this time , with the soldier looking at me or perhaps at the movement of the curtains.

    He saw me , his eyes pierced through mine. I can't hear it but i'm sure that those beatings in my chest are my death bells , urging him to finish me quickly and as painless as possible.

  I didn't know why but i took my bag and immediately broke through the window's glass just as he was entering through the doorway.

   Stupid yeah , but surprising. And that was why he was running behind me and didn't just attack me on sight.

   Through the darkness and all the branches that separated us even for slight seconds.

  I could feel the scratches on my cheeks and legs. Hitting my nerves with harsh causalgia.

  I don't know how far away he was but i could tell from the sound of the even constant rythme of his breathing that he isn't even tired , that he's been trained. Perhaps , he's been working more than the other guards ? For a greater cause than to keep civilians in a coma ?

  Likely.

  I could feel my tears gravitating towards below,where the rich earth would welcome them more than i ever would. Taking in the salts inside, cleaning that little drop of water and completing with it the cycle of forest life beyond human reach.

  And what comes to my mind then ? That i'm tired of running , waiting , for once i want to act upon my deep will to die , to test my immunity to a breaking point where i'll feel nothing but maybe , imaginary heaven as the now dead man once said.

Wasn't that my plan from the start anyways ?

  So i stop , right in front of him and throw my bag in his face so that his inertia doesn't make me fall and get my hair dirty. Not when i go to bath in a stream weekly.

  And that i noticed was a terrible plan.
Cause suddenly the bag was thrown back at me and i fell in terrible ungracefulness

but i stood up immediately, searching for a gun or combat from his part at least , letting the bag fall to the ground. But instead , he bends to take his breath. And under the moon , i could see that his hair is longish and just as dirty as mine.

  " you .. don't have to run " said the shallow voice coming out of his voice box.

" i don't mean any harm. I am not a guard. "

It took me a long while to say something , i sure had a lot to say but i couldn't get out my voice after some time of neglect from my part. And my tears started to spill even more. I couldn't speak .. , unless the little sounds of cheap violin strings counted.

He was patient though , waiting for my voice to re-stabilise again , staring at me.

And the seconds ticked, not sure if it was on my side or against it. My subconscious wondered if my dad would have been able to tell correctly like he always did, knowing that i'd always argue with him about it. But i eventually felt my throat's strings rearrange once again , on alert again.

" ob .. obviously " i managed to say sarcastically through the tears , random coughs and the thickness weighting on my throat.

" we've been looking for you "

"We who ? "

" i know it'll be a nasty shock for you but we're all aware that you're the only one immune without an artificial defence. "

There was an artificial defence to this ?

that 'we' again.

" what is this ? , is it time for me to finally get arrested ? no need for the lies and tricks though , i'm ready to raise my white flag up "

I knew that this wasn't a new version of me. this ann was born with me. Scared , weak .. ready to give up after doing the smallest of efforts to hold on. Like the liquid sap from a tree .. the blood .. the weakness within it's sturdy form. She just needed a push to surface. And the departure of my parents was the ultimate trigger.

He had this puzzled look on his face as i said that, almost seemed judgmental and i wondered if he thought i haven't always been like this. If this weak ann is nothing but like the dirt on my skin, trying to mask my real features and bury them alive.

" i never said anything about an arrest "

" your approach definitely signalled something resembling , however "

He sighed but i immediately sensed the frustration and tightness of it's waves through the air as it reaches me.

" how do i convince you that i am not here to harm you ? In fact , i'm here to show you that you're not alone "