If tomorrow starts without you

Existence

[Flashback.]

August 4th, 2014.

Life. What is the reason for it? All we do is sleep, wake up, eat, work, and restart that routine. What could help us understand this evil and cruel reality we call life? The depth of that little world. First, why do some people even mention that their existences are unimportant? They must live on the nasty side of that so-called reality. Life can be mean to you. It can most definitely rip your emotions apart and throw them into the deepest darkness. But it's also beautiful, euphoric, and exciting to experience. You see, there were many times in Tendou's existence where he thought to himself, "I can't be happy anymore. I hate where I am". An inky cold place. Nobody wants to encounter those emotions caused by tragedies.

His name was Tendou. He was 16 at his first house party. Purple and pink LED lights were dancing in the living room. The man who drove him and Semi to that party was sitting on a brown leather couch, cross-faded. They called him Snoop Dogg because he resembled the rapper a lot. The same fellow stopped the fucking car in the middle of the road to let some gangsters talk to them. At that moment, Tendou really thought one of them was going to get a gun from the pocket of their long, dark brown jacket. Snoop opened his window to let them put their ugly heads in the vehicle to speak to them. That was the second scary part of that mini road trip to the house party. The first one being him not driving straight, and in the wrong lane. He was driving on the sidewalk sometimes. Thank God it was midnight and nobody was on the road. It was also Tendou's first time being high, smoking in a bong. There was porn on the TV, punk music roaring from every single speakers, cocaine on the glass table in front of his trembling legs. Tendou was staring at the wall that reflected the moving lights. The blue glitters under his eyes mixed up with his melting mascara, making the makeup look messy. He had red, tired eyes. It felt like the latter had to smile through the stress this exact moment made him go through. It was during his first vacation alone in summer 2014. That same summer Robin Williams committed suicide. Why do people want to die? Why escaping that reality in such hardcore ways? Aren't they afraid of the suffering they would endure before their poor, damaged hearts cease to pump? When someone wants to leave this world, they usually have experienced trauma such as rape, mental or physical abuse, war trauma, etc. Nearly 22% of people who have been raped had attempted suicide at some point, while 23% who experienced physical assault tried to take their own life at some point. And that is only among adults in one single country. Did you know the suicide rate for men is twice as high as for women? Yes, men have feelings and most likely hide those "shameful" emotions because society told them to be "strong, not weak. Or else you won't get a woman. Or else you won't be seen as serious." Oh man, the pressure they must carry on their shoulders. That sweet toxic masculinity haunts some to their graves, suffocating them with anxiety. Pushing them to act firm, resist any emotions that can easily make them look like wusses and cowards creatures. Women were laughing at them because some expect men to protect them. Women can be cruel to men. First of all, they're mostly into emotionless assholes that wouldn't give them enough love back.

While Tendou was glaring at that empty, boring wall, he heard glass breaking. As he jumped and snapped back to reality, his friends and him sprinted to where the noise came from. Arrived in the kitchen A tall, green-haired guy was standing in front of the broken back door. Drops of blood rolled down his forehead, travelling through his nose and mouth and letting the man taste the iron flavoured liquid. Huge red stains colored the collar of his dark green shirt. He had an adorable expression on his face. No matter how fucked up he got, Tendou couldn't help but gaze at his eyes, rosy cheeks, and smooth looking skin. Suddenly, a woman arose from behind. She sounded terrified and mad at the same time. Like she wanted to punch the shit out of the delinquent who injured that boy. She gave off such a furious reaction, as she tried to find the person who put him in this situation. Semi took his arm and brought him to the bathroom upstairs. The stairs were right beside the open entrance of the kitchen and in front of the living room. While walking to their destination, the drops of blood fell on his jeans and floor. Everything was blurry to Tendou as he was following them. The wooden steps were cracking under the soles of his shoes. As he moved his pupils fast from left to right, the neon lights followed their movements. When you're high on that plant called marijuana, everything seems so slow and more humorous, like a relaxing moment where you can finally be stress-free, focusing on breathing deeply. The world should be more like that. Slower paced and more moderate. We spend too much time working for a wage we don't deserve. There's not enough vacation, and we shouldn't be forced to learn things that will be completely useless later in life. We should choose what we want to know, studies that will be practical for our future careers. And mostly, acquire knowledge of the stuff we need, such as staying healthy or finding a job, and paying bills. Tendou didn't believe that school was pointless. He respected hardworking teachers that would do anything for his success. We need our education. But Gosh can school be bullshit sometimes.

Standing in the bathroom next to the wounded man and his companion, Tendou's head started hurting. The smoke was floating around the hallway to the washroom. The shade of the room was blue. The walls were wet from the vapour caused by the burning flowing water. Semi was wiping the man's bruised skin, while Tendou was ready to vomit. He always hated blood. He was intensely afraid of it. Back downstairs, Tendou was drinking some water to clear his throat. The protective woman explained that the boy was her brother. She had multiple injuries on her knuckles from beating up men who dared to touch her precious younger sibling. His name was Wakatoshi Ushijima. Tendou wasn't used to knowing people like that. It was quite extreme for a first party. And here he thought it would've been an ordinary high school gathering: smoking pot and drinking alcohol between friends. He got himself into a mess. Two men tried to make a friend out of him. It wasn't too embarrassing or uncomfortable. They were nice enough and offered him a beer. Here's one thing about Tendou; He will never drink beer unless he's drunk. The bitter taste of that sparkling drink always made him want to throw up. It literally tasted like liquid bread to the frail boy.

Sitting on the stairs outside, the stars shone bright. Tendou needed air, and so did his friend. They were discussing how they wanted to leave the place so bad. Wakatoshi's sister was nice enough to call them a cab. It was almost 4 A.M, and they could barely keep their eyes open. Their eyelids began to feel heavy as the Indica started to kick. Once the taxi arrived, Semi couldn't help himself but to discuss and laugh with the driver.

Meanwhile, Tendou was looking up at the inky sky. It was raining. He started questioning life. He didn't know if it was because he was intoxicated, but those questions that tickled his curiosity began to freak him out a bit. Do you know you're going to die eventually? That scary feeling of not being able to wake up again and everything becomes pitch black? The way you can't breathe anymore, and everyone misses you. That moment of anxiety eats you alive, and you cannot reach your goals because you can't move. You're not of this world anymore. It's probably inhuman to have this mindset but, it reassured him that he was on the same boat as everyone. That he won't be the only one who is going to lose the ability to breathe one day. We're not invincible, nor immortal. He wouldn't say he liked how the saying "we are all on the same boat" existed when we all suffer in different ways. Some have better lives; some are richer, etc... We are battling through the same storm, yes, but we certainly aren't on the same boat.

Life brings us as many joyful moments as it does downfalls. Life's journey may not become more manageable as we grow older, but we have to understand it better. Life is cruel, but it is beautiful as well. And we must embrace the positivity it's sending us. Focusing on happy moments and living life to the fullest can change our perspective of the way we think about our existence. To appreciate the positive things in this brutal world, we first need to accept and love ourselves. As hard as it sounds to make it come true, it's the only solution. Tendou always thought about going in front of a mirror, listing five things he loved most about himself. And as Mae West once said: "You only live once, but if you do it right, then once is enough."

The rain became more intense. As Tendou decided to open the window, he put half of his upper body outside while waving his arms. He was feeling the cold drops of water rolling down his pastel skin, making his sparkly makeup melt down his cheeks. It looked like he was crying glitters. It was the most peaceful ride he had ever been on. He was inhaling the fresh breeze of the rainy morning. Semi was smiling, wondering what the hell his friend was doing. Tendou gently told him that moment was the unique moment he felt free and that he escaped reality. Have you escaped reality before? It feels so good. It's a satisfying feeling in your heart that evokes memories of happiness. That same happiness you once had a while ago. And you don't remember how it feels anymore because life becomes darker and darker as you grow older. This is why we need to create joyous moments in our lives. No matter what, you're not alone and that having seven fucking billion people on this damaged planet while receiving no love is most definitely impossible. That life won't give you freshly bloomed flowers all the time. It will send you multiple storms, and you have to go through those storms to get rainbows and sunshine.