If tomorrow starts without you

Fever dream

[Flashback.]

May 15th, 2015.

Depression is like a big block of iron brick that pushes you to stay in one place. A room that makes you feel comfortable and makes you feel home and safe. You don't want to do anything on your days. It's a heavyweight that pulls you to a gloomy, dull place in your life. You don't want to bother anyone, and you don't want to be bothered. It is not the same as sadness, oh no. It's so difficult to explain depression to someone who's never been through that melancholy feeling. Sadness is to cry, not feel good after seeing or hearing about a tragedy, bad news, or watching a sad movie. Depression is that complete absence of feelings. You are not able to feel normal emotions anymore. Being depressed is to be fearless when it comes to death. But it's to be fearful of only living with yourself forever. People aren't afraid of dying. They're so scared of living. They're so scared they're not going to live their lives to the fullest that they're going to regret not reaching their goals. Because death itself is not that bad once you've grown older. If you have noticed before, every old person talks about "it's almost my time" or "I've lived a long life" like death was nothing to them. When a young individual brings up suicide, it's because they have no dreams, no plans, and nothing—just the void. Life told them they aren't worth living for a longer time. You can't just tell someone who has been through trauma to let it go or stop being sad. "It will pass." It's not how it works. Because what is going on in a depressed person's brain is constant guilt, a continuous feeling of failing at everything. The sensation of being worthless. That everyone would be better off without them. You're tired, 24/7. You stop going out, and you control the usual activities you enjoyed so much. You withdraw from your family, friends, and school.

And what causes depression? Family history, personal problems, trauma, severe medical conditions, and substance abuse are the leading causes. Tendou had known so many people who were depressed because of all the medications they had to take. Some people take anxiety pills or antidepressants, but it drives them to feel worse. The real medicine in life is to go out, find the beauty in this painful existence, and focus on positivity. It's to find a purpose in life. Because it's by staying forever in a bubble that you will fall deeper into the darkness, believe it or not, you are not born for nothing. You didn't ask to be put into this bizarre and crazy world, but you sure weren't conceived for nothing. No matter who makes you feel worthless, bad parents, evil siblings, racist fucks, homophobic pricks, intimidators, cruel teachers, etc. You'll always have that one particular person who will care for you. Because how wonderful is it that the same being who created sunsets, oceans, and galaxies thought the world needed one of you? How cool is it to even exist in such a tricky world to understand yet so beautiful to experience? Jumping off a bridge, shooting yourself, overdosing, or hanging yourself will do nothing but remove the opportunity of getting happy because it does get better.

It was 2015 and one of the worst years of Tendou's life. He didn't feel like going to school. He had practically no friends. Or more like he didn't put any effort into making any. Despite having the best year of his life in grade 11, Tendou still lacked social skills. He used to live in the countryside back then. Nothing but an Equestrian centre and a couple of rich neighbours were located. Wakatoshi and Tendou started getting closer after hanging out at that party last summer. Tendou often walked around the neighbourhood during the night since his parents blocked the wifi after eleven o'clock. Taking advantage of the firewood scent felt like he was at a campfire party next to the sea.

The sea... He missed going to the sea every single summer. He felt home there as the ocean spoke to him. It can be calm, but the waves can rage at any moment. The street lamps brightened the damped road, leaving an opaque luminosity through the darkness of the night. Everything was silent. Not even the wind made the leaves of the forest move. Stars could be seen everywhere in the inky sky, as the surroundings didn't have any buildings nor intense city lights—northern lights formed from time to time. The green dancing gleam shifted from right to left as it continued to move faster. The night was always Tendou's favourite part. It's the only time he felt alive and free. When he could dream and escape reality. While his cat purred in his ears and hair, Tendou used to fall asleep peacefully. Peacefully, diving in his warmest dreams. You live in a different world once you dream. It's incredibly dissimilar from the reality we all live in. Tendou always felt like he was happier asleep. That's probably why people love to take LSD, mushrooms, or MDMA so much. It sends them to hallucinate other dimensions that make them feel like life is more than just working, sleeping, and eating. It ultimately allows them to see it from a different perspective. It removes all types of anxiety.