Pandemonium

Elevator Four

I sit in the corner of the elevator, hugging my knees and staring off into space. We're doomed. It's as simple as that. Nothing I do can help anything. Even if I don't do anything terrible things will happen. We're nearly two floors away but we could all still die. It's pointless. So pointless. Why are we stuck here? Why were we chosen for this nightmare? Why can't we be free? Small beads of water escape the edges of my eyes. I can barely tell if they're tears, or my essence of life leaving me completely. Is it my imagination or am I fading? 

I can't tell. I can't tell. I really can't tell. Is this my own hand? Is this my own body? Is this real? A dream? A messed up mind game? I can't tell. I don't know what is real and what isn't. I should've died when I had the chance. Surviving is worse than dying. 

Images of my mother's death come back to me. Images of my own experience come back to me. Those hot flames nearly reaching my skin. I start to shake, feeling the flames get closer and closer, am I still back there? Have I ever left that place? Over and over and over. My mother leaving to save us, only to have it be futile. Me surviving, only to have been of no use. I shouldn't be thinking about this. I have to stop thinking about this. But, every time I try to avoid it the thoughts come back ten times stronger. Is there no escape? From here or from my mind? Even if I do escape, will the thoughts hold me captive here forever? 

"Mr. Hendrix." 

It's pointless. I'm pointless. Everything is pointless. We're all going to die anyway why don't I just die now? It'll be fine. I can't take this anymore. I can't take it. I can't. My mind has broken and I don't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. How did I let it get this bad? Why am I so useless? 

"Mr. Hendrix." 

What do I do now? Where do we go from here? What questions am I even supposed to ask the game master when we meet him? I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't even know the beginning of what I don't know. I've been putting off my emotions, trying to get through each floor one by one, ignoring the last, but it's come back to haunt me now. 

"Mr. Hendrix!" Pandora's raised voice snaps me out of my spiral. I blink, having never noticed him sitting in front of me before. "I'm really sorry for raising my voice," Pandora waves his hands, apologizing. "I just, you were just, and I just-- I'm really bad with words, I'm so sorry!" Pandora leans forward and gives me a hug. I can feel his body shaking as he hugs me but I don't understand the cause. 

"Why are you shaking?" 

Pandora releases me and grabs both of his arms, trying to hug himself. "I, uhm, well," he begins, unsure how to explain. "All of this has given me anxiety, you see, and I haven't been one to deal with that well to begin with. I am also incredibly dirty. There aren't any new clothes, so the layers of filth is giving me anxiety on top of the anxiety of this game. I'm just a bundle of nerves," Pandora steadily shakes, almost as if he is vibrating. "I miss Fonso...I miss Gilbert...I miss everyone. You're mom was really sweet too. None of them deserved any of this but please don't blame yourself. I'm the least helpful of all of us, not you. I keep getting saved without saving anyone. I keep scaring myself and I can't even control my hatred for being dirty. I'm a mess but you're so strong, Mr. Hendrix." 

Pandora keeps scrambling for words but the mention of germs threw him into his own spiral. His mouth opened slightly and his brain went haywire just like mine had. I could see his eyes threatening to roll back into his head. He had no where to pass out so he was trying very hard to cling onto reality. "Germs. So many germs. I've fallen so many times onto these filthy floors. My clothes aren't the slightest bit clean. People have touched me. I have touched people. It was supposed to be for comfort but I've touched people and they have touched me. Oh my. So many-" his words just continued on and on. They got faster and more repetitive as the spiral continued. I could barely make sense of them with how much he was saying.