Beautiful misery

Part 1

I was in that forest again. It was just as beautiful as I remembered it. The sun was shining as always, and the birds were singing. It gave me the feeling of freedom and happiness. The two feelings I had lost the day my mum died. The feelings I knew I would never truly get back. I walked through the forest up until a little opening where the sun beams shone on a beautiful turquoise lake. On the other side of the lake was a big gate surrounded by more trees and I could see the gate shining like an unreachable star. I knew that was where I had to go. In the dream it looked so easy but the minute I stepped out of the forest into the sun, I just couldn't move anymore. It was as if something was stopping me, an invisible wall that wouldn't let me go any further no matter what I did.

~*~

I woke up to a slap on my face. My dad, Harry, was standing in front of me, red with anger and drunk once again. He's an alcoholic and often takes drugs. He also loves to beat me up whenever something makes him mad. To him I'm just a punching ball. He probably forgot I was even related to him. He hates my guts and has ever since my mum died.

"Maya, you little piece of sh*t, get downstairs and cook me some breakfast!"

I quickly ran downstairs and pulled out a few eggs and sausages from the fridge. I fixed him up some breakfast as fast as possible and ran back upstairs to get dressed. My dad was standing in my room staring at me with anger in his eyes. Most of the time i don't even know why he's mad, he just gets like that and somehow seems to think it's always my fault...

He walked toward me and slapped me once in the face but so hard I couldn't keep myself up and fell screaming to the floor. He kicked me in the stomach, spat on me and then just left. It was painful but nothing compared to some of the beatings I had already received from him in the past.

I got up after a few painful minutes on the floor and slowly made my way to the bathroom to take a cold shower and calm the pain. I had bruises all over my body, some old and some new. It was an ugly sight but there wasn't much I could do about it because every day I would receive more. I walked back over to my room and sat on my bed, a tear falling from my cheek.

I had pain everywhere. Pain that never left other than when I slept. Sleeping was the only thing I ever looked forward to in my life. I could be at peace just a few hours before that day light showed up again, before the stress and the pain regained my body and my life would seem like that miserable black hole it has since the 27th of December 1999. The night my mother died. Although that night was the worst night of my life, I still look forward to the 27th of December every year because every year, on that night, I dream of the forest, the lake and that shining gate. The dream makes me feel so special. I feel... Free! I know the dream means something but I haven't yet quite figured out what. I do know one thing though: I have to find a way to make it to the other side of the lake and get through that gate. Why? The answer to that question doesn't yet exist. 

I reached out to my little shelf and pulled out a picture of me and my mum. I always look at this photo when i'm in pain. Hoping that some how my mum could just come out of the photo and take me away from this misery.

Of course that never happens but the picture does somewhat make me feel better. I smiled. My mum was so beautiful. Under all those bruises I looked very similar to her. Long wavy dark brown hair, a tanned skin and chestnut colored eyes.

In the photo I was 7 years old. It was taken 9 years ago, but I can still remember that day as if it were yesterday. My mum was in a very good mood because she had just got promoted so she decided to take me out to the park and buy me an ice-cream. We walked around, played and took photo's together. We then went to get the photos printed and my mum told me to pick out my favourite one. She gave it to me and told me to keep it safe and to look at it whenever I didn't feel so good.

When my mum was still alive, I had such a perfect life. My dad wasn't taking drugs and was actually a good dad. Little did I know that that same year, my perfect little world would take a sharp turn and lead me to hell...

The day of my mums accident, my dad completely changed. He went from loving me to hating me, saying that the accident was all my fault. I still can't believe how much he changed. I miss the real him. He used to be so nice, funny and just full of life. Now he's alcoholic and drug dependent and hardly notices me anymore unless I do something wrong. I don't see the guy who abuses me as my dad anymore, to me he's now a complete stranger, but a stranger I somehow still had love for. I kept telling myself one day he'll change back to a good person... It's all I had to hope for. 

I suddenly jumped out of my little trance when I heard my bedroom door lock and footsteps going down the stairs and out of the door. I was alone in the house. I looked out of my little window and sighed. The view wasn't very spectacular but it still gave me that urge to want to go out there every time I saw it. I hadn't been out in a while.

I decided to open the window to breathe in a little fresh air. It felt good. I watched the little children play around in the small park just below my window and the mums watching out for them every second of their time while talking to their Friends. Everyone looked so happy. It made me smile to see those little children try to climb up the wall and fail every time. They were so cute. I hoped that later on in my life i could have children and a loving husband. But it was too much to ask for. I didn't deserve any of it. And I certainly wouldn't be able to find a husband in the first place with all these bruises. I was ugly on the outside and empty on the inside. Hopeless.

I decided to go lie down on my bed and relax but ended up falling asleep.

~*~

I woke up hearing my dad charge up the steps. I suddenly started to panick and knew what would come next. My heart started beating faster and faster. I was frantically looking for a place to hide but all I found were my bed covers. I pulled them over my head and closed my eyes tight, waiting, every second feeling like a century. He walked up to me, pulled me out of the bed and threw me on the floor. My heart was racing and when I opened my eyes I saw my dads big fist come towards my jaw in slow motion until... BAM ! The pain was just too much. I could faintly feel the continuous punching and the kicking, but the pain was drifting away and after just a few seconds I was completely unconscious.