It's still Raining

Chapter 3

We are always someone's pain. My life has been rough to me, when I knew about the truth I let my mom do whatever she wants. She would go home to drink all the alcoholic drinks that would let her forget a few things about life. Her sin, her pain, her heart, and her other half she wanted to forget those things. "Astrid! Get my purse, I still need to buy whiskey," she said, she's not even sober yet.
I took her purse in her drawer and gave it to her. It's been five months since the burial of my dad. I had a lot of bruises and I don't mind at all I can just cry at it and live again tomorrow but I cannot take away her sadness. Before she leaves, she looks at me, and then she slaps me. "I hope you will die or even disappear." she left after that and I cried.
Is it normal for a ten-year-old kid to have suicidal thoughts? I wanted to stop this pain and make her happy but I also wanted to suffer for all the pain she has been through this is the only way I can lessen it.
I know that she will be home late since I have a drunkard mother who loves to spend most of her day outside, away from me. I know that she was just running away from me. I went to my favorite place where I could see the sunset. There's always a beautiful ending, right?
I sat down and feel the cold breeze and I could smell the seawater and everything. This is my safe haven. "See, we meet again." Someone said that and when I look at him I remember that he was that kid who tried to kill himself. I didn't answer him I just look away I don't want him to see these bruises on my face. '' It's okay. Why did you save me??" he asked me like I shouldn't have done that. "I guess second chance isn't that bad." That's what I answered him and he was quiet. "That's what you told me when I save you and maybe also that's what I was thinking too when I save you. You could cry at it and live again tomorrow." I said while looking at the sunset. "What if I don't want to?" he asked. "Then change the way how you see life." And look at him. "You're lucky. You don't have to look down when someone looks at you and tried to hide these bruises." When I told him that, I stood up and tell him something. "This is the last time you will see me again." When I said those things I smiled at him. "Then I will find you!" he shouted.
I hope he will. I know that something will happen where I will never see the sunset again in that place, so if this is the last time that I would see this place where I grew up and had wonderful memories with my father then I would like to say goodbye to it.
It's almost midnight and my mom is here already. "We will go somewhere." She said and I didn't ask her if where I just followed her. We rode a tricycle and when we got to a port there was a huge guy. "Is that her?" he asked my mom nodded and then he gave her an envelope. I was confused but they suddenly drag me. I didn't shout or even cried. I smiled at my mom. "Goodbye,Nanay." and then after that I fainted and when I woke up I was in a dark room.

It has a small window where the moon could shine and it helps me to see what was inside and I saw some kids the same age as mine too, I guess. I calmed myself and smile sadly. This is what makes Nanay happy so there's no reason for me to be sad. Anything for my mother. I will never burden her again and I think I deserve this. I could feel the pain from my bruises.

If I die today or tomorrow I just have one question and that is "Will God allowed a sinner like me in his kingdom?" if he will I can be with my Tatay and find peace in there and maybe one day Nanay will finally love me. That's all I wanted to be loved by people and to be accepted it wasn't that hard. It's just a simple request. I don't want any money or treasure in this world just a love that would last.

Was it wrong for a child to wish for a normal life?I'm just ten years old and I think I don't deserve this kind of life, what's my purpose?Why do I have to suffer and blame everything to myself? "Are you a beggar also?" a boy asked me that and I shook my head as answer. "Then how did they get you?" he ask again. "My mom brought me in a port and those guys drag me here." I answered him and he smiled. "I wish you were a beggar also so that I wouldn't feel bad for you." he said. I actually don't understand what he was trying to say and we just sat there quietly until a big old man gets inside. "Listen kids, if you all will behave properly then I will give you all a lot of food. I want everyone also to be comfortable you don't have to be scared, we're the good guys here." he said and smiled at us.

I don't know if I felt scared or anything. I was just numb because I thought I don't deserve to complain now. Isa lang naman akong kasalanan at yan lang yung nasa isip ko, Pagod lang talaga ako. Do princess get tired too? Aren't they're tired of waiting of their prince to save them?What if there was no prince to save them then who will?