Smile

Chapter Seven: Reflection

"You heard about the smiley murder last week?" My cousin, Ryan, asked me as he sat down his backpack on the table.
"Yeah, they're awful," I replied, I can't imagine how anyone could do that.
"Sort of reminds me of that time you went to that mental institution as I was there too," Ryan remarked before walking into the kitchen,
"Remember how you carved that smiley face into the padded room?"

I tried to forget about that place, I really did.
The memories, the pain.
But here I was revisiting it again.
"Rise and shine, dipshits," a worker would say each morning, reassuring us that we had no freedom, "Sit in the hall with the rest of them while we round everyone up."

"How long do they really keep you here?" I asked my roommate, who was three years older than me, "I heard they been keepin' Ray since last month and they don't plan on letting him go."
"For the average person, maybe a week or two," my roommate responded as another kid, a girl who was my age sat down across the hall from us, "Ray on the other hand? You know what he did right?"
"What did he do?" I asked my roommate, before the worker ordered us into what they called the dayroom.
"He almost killed a kid, somehow didn't end up in The Pound," my roommate replied.
"The Pound?" I inquired as we were instructed to get up and walk into the main room.
"You don't wanna know," my roommate answered before sitting down on a chair, "Just don't do anything too bad and stay a rank one.
Rank ones get all the permissions possible.
Rank twos can't exit the room and rank threes have to have a staff member with them at all times.
All of those are bad, but compared to rank zero?
Rank zero is The Pound."

I heard the yelling from another door nearby, I'm not sure when, I can't read the clock on my room's wall.
I grab a toothbrush shiv from my drawer and look over to the door.
I know I can do it, there's even a distraction outside, so I carved the final Smiley face into the wall.
I then proceed to slash my wrist.
I knew I could die. I want it to happen.
I'm trying to escape from the creature that peered around the corner of every wall.

I woke up in a big room with someone I didn't recognize until my eyes adjusted.
It was my cousin Ryan.
"Ryan?" I asked, "What are you doing here?"
"What am I doing here?" Ryan exclaimed, "What the fuck are you doing here?"
"I tried to kill myself, I guess it didn't work," I explained, "I carved a smiley face into the wall, too."
"A what?" Ryan asked, taken aback.
My thoughts immediately turned to the soulless face with that endless smile, the creature that inspired me to do the entire act.
We sat in awkward silence for a moment before I started bawling my eyes out.
"I just want out," I muttered, proceeding to fall back asleep on the cold tiled floors.

"SMILE," was what writing slashed the walls that night.
Just open your eyes and smile.
In the typical room you couldn't get your hands on a knife, but The Pound was different.
The Pound was raw, violent, and almost entirely unsupervised.
The only time people checked in on us was at mealtimes, and more often than not they'd just slide the food in from the bottom.
There was a bolt lock on the outside but not on the inside, you couldn't close or open the door, they have to close or open it from the front.
It was Hell.

"What's your fuckin' problem?" Someone asked me as I carved more and more.
"You."
I lunged at him and engraved into his face, creating a chelsea grin...
from ear to ear.
He hopelessly screamed and wailed in agony, before I kicked him in the face, attempting to knock him out.
He went out for a second, but awoke and tripped me.
I fell on top of him, accidentally driving the blade through his stomach, before carving a smile into his face.
"Be happy," I stated grimfully, before stomping on his stab wound, "Or I'll take your eyes too."
"You're a sick fuck!" He shouted at me, bleeding all over his face.
"I know."

The actions I committed at The Pound were unforgivable, but I've learned to come to peace with them.
I cannot change the past, only go forward.
As I stare at my reflection, I see Smiler behind me.
I know I am not alone, and that brings me comfort.
The creature brings me comfort now, as opposed to terror.
The perpetual grin which once haunted me now made me feel at home.
This home did not judge me for my past, it did not tell me I wasn't good enough, and it gave me good advice; Always smile.