Under the Umbrella

Chapter 4

"If we keep up this pace we should only have to camp outside tonight and be back at the bunker tomorrow," Dean stated as they exited another town. "Most of the scenery from now on will be open road so gas stations are gonna be our only stops."

Cas nodded as he trudged along next to Dean. His face was tired and sad. Thoughts of his previous nightmare clouded his vision as all he could see was a bloodied Dean whenever he looked his way. Cas mostly kept his eyes to the ground, terrified of the tricks his mind would play.

Dean's legs were tired already from the walking the day before. He cursed himself for ever agreeing to walk back to the bunker, but he also didn't want to upset Cas. If it had been anyone else Dean knew he would've told them to suck it up because life's hell anyways. He just couldn't stand the sad face and upset manner Cas had. It made his chest hurt.

Dean looked over to his friend and saw him staring at shoes with his arms wrapped around his stomach. His pace was slowing down and he had this odd look plastered across his face. Suddenly he stopped. "Oh. Oh! Dean, it hurts. I-" Cas bent over away from Dean and threw up all over the side of the road.

"Cas! Gross come on-" He threw up again. His body was shivering, so Dean placed a hand on his back and rubbed gently as Cas got it out of his system. He coughed a few times and finally spit the rest out of his mouth. "Okay?" Dean asked. Cas reached a hand up to Dean's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze before slowly straightening his back.

"I think I no longer enjoy the oatmeal," he mumbled.

Dean smiled and patted the side of his head. "Have some water." Cas took the bottle from his hand and cleaned the vomit from inside his mouth. He spit the contents out and pulled a ziplock bag from inside his jacket. "You carry around a toothbrush?"

Cas took the objects out and looked at Dean. "And toothpaste." He then uncapped the paste and squeezed it directly onto his tongue.

"Cas that's not how you do that."

Cas cocked his head before putting the brush in his mouth. "How do you do it then?"

Dean barely understood his sentence but shook his head either way. "Never mind. Let's just keep walking."

They walked in silence for miles. Cas would occasionally point at something and ask what it was or say a particular tree was interesting. Dean mostly just kept to his thoughts. He wondered why Cas was so fascinated with the world and it's qualities. He wondered why Cas was so unsatisfied with himself and kept dwelling on the things he'd done. Cas had done more good in the world than any other angel he'd met, and it didn't matter what choices he made to get there. Because in the end, they were all family. And Dean loved him either way. In a brotherly way of course.

He watched as Cas would kick stones across the road whenever he approached them and the way his hair blew in the wind. Cas looked worn and beaten to the core. Being human had really taken a toll on him and it'd only been a few weeks. He seemed more frail and less sure of himself like his authority had suddenly disappeared. He wore a constant frown unless Dean spoke to him or did something to make him laugh. He was pitiful.

"Cas, do you like being human?" Dean hadn't realized he said it out loud until Cas sighed.

Cas looked at the sky as they continued walking, the frown growing further on his face. He looked back to Dean with dull blue eyes, something Dean decided he didn't like to see. "It is strange to me. There are aspects I enjoy and things I wish were not possible. Food for example is something that makes me content, which is odd because I'm not used to feeling that way. Emotions. I've started getting these things in my stomach and chest. I've realized that I could always have emotion but it wasn't prominent. I never knew it was there. It was always like a hollow or something missing. Now that I can truly feel them I understand what my true emotions were when I was an angel. Now it's just coping with them. And that," he said pointing behind him, "whatever came out of my mouth and pain. I do not like those parts."

"What emotions?"

Cas' face flushed as he turned his head to look at the trees beside him. Anywhere but Dean. "What matters is, I think I'd rather be an angel. I feel hopeless mostly. Like a baby in a trench coat as you once put it. I don't feel like me."

Dean frowned at his answer. "You're still you Cas."

"Yeah, well I don't feel like it."

"Hey, you have to just-"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Cas grumbly said before walking ahead of Dean. So they didn't. Dean kept his mouth shut while Cas kept his distance. It was an uncomfortable silence unlike before. Dean felt the tension between them and his heart dropped at the sadness radiating off of Cas.

Dean began to point out things near the road or if he saw a butterfly. He'd do it enthusiastically to try and cheer Cas up, but he never once looked back at him to even acknowledge his efforts. Dean didn't know if he was mad at him or just upset that he wasn't an angel anymore. He didn't understand. If Cas loved humanity so much, then why would he be so broken over becoming a part of it? Dean huffed. He really wished he'd taken the car instead.

A few hours had passed before Dean couldn't take it anymore. He quickened his pace and grabbed Cas' shoulder, roughly spinning him around. Cas' eyes widened and he almost shrunk back in fear. "If you think you can just waltz around out here and ignore me because I care about your feelings you have another thing comin'. I chose to walk back with you because I want you to feel like you're gonna be okay. I could've shoved your ass in the back of a car and watched as you puked your guts out. I could have left you sitting out in the rain and pushed you away after your nightmare but I sat there and let you come to me. I held you Cas. And then you go and say shit like 'why didn't you just leave me to die?'. Because I care about you. I want you here. I need you here with me. I will not stand by and watch you kill your self over this damn angel depression. Suck it up and let's go. I'm tired of this."

Cas' lip quivered at the words as he watched Dean resume his walk. He caught up with him quickly and tried grabbing for his wrist. "Dean, I-" but he was pulled into a strong hug that completely took his words away.

"You're my best friend Cas, and you're gonna be just fine."

Cas' fingers curled around Dean's jacket. "Thank you," he whispered. Dean abruptly pulled away, and they walked for many more miles side by side. They felt comfortable next to each other and maybe walked a little too close together.

It was past dark by the time either of them spotted a gas station. "How many Gas-n-Sips am I gonna have to walk through before we get home." Cas quickly pulled him inside and claimed he needed to brush his teeth. Dean watched as he was about to put the toothpaste directly on his tongue again. "Cas! No, quit goddammit. That's not how you do it." Dean grabbed the toothbrush from him and squeezed the paste onto the bristles before handing it back. "Now you brush." Cas looked very skeptical but decided he didn't know human ways as much as Dean did. "I'm gonna pick up some late night grub."

Dean rummaged through the store and decided to take the last remaining slices of pizza, a couple hot dogs, two tallboys, and two slices of probably stale pie. "Dean that is a lot of food," Cas said once he joined him outside.

"Oh, so you're not hungry?" Cas looked ashamedly away. "That's what I thought. Guy said there's an old barn about a mile up the road, unless you want to sleep in weeds."

Cas scrunched his nose. "I did not know there was cannabis growing out here."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Forget it."

The paint of the barn was completely washed out and chipped away. A few boards were missing from the sides and roof, otherwise she was still standing. Dean rolled the creaky door open a bit and they both squeezed through. The inside was extremely dusty. Forgotten tools barely hung on the walls and a couple old hay bales sat stacked against a beam. "Cozy," Dean mumbled.

They ate quietly and Dean practically chugged his beer (he hadn't had one in a couple days). Cas agreed that pizza was indeed a new favorite but still felt uncertain on the hot dogs. He only drank about half of his beer before handing it over to Dean who chugged happily.

Cas found a spot near one of the hay bales and curled up next to it. He fell asleep almost instantly with thoughts of stuffy air and stale pie. Dean watched as Cas fell asleep and decided to make his own bed away from the other. There would be no cuddling tonight.

Of course, he was right.

But also wrong in a completely different way.