Second Chances // Chase Elliott

if i had only known

eighteen

CAROLINE JOHNSON

I woke up and immediately wanted to go back to bed; I don't want to face the world today. I pulled the covers over my head and laid there, trying to not let my mind wander to the past, but it's not an easy task today. It's been two years since my life completely changed, since I lost the love of my life. It feels like it's been a lifetime.

I've learned that grief is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but can't; it's love with no place to go. There's no other side to grief, there's no pushing through - it's just accepting what was, accepting what is, and accepting what should have been. Grief isn't something you complete, it's something that you endure. The reality is that grief is a forever thing. You don't just get over the loss of someone that you loved, you just learn to live with it.

After a few hours of lying in bed, I decided that I needed to get up and get started with my day, no matter how badly I wanted to stay in bed today. I walked downstairs to the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee before going outside to the backyard with Chief to drink my coffee while he ran around, and we played catch for a while.

Once I finished my coffee, Chief and I went back inside, and I cleaned up my apartment. I still hadn't unpacked from Indianapolis a week ago, so I finally unpacked and did some laundry that I had been putting off for a few days now. After I had finished cleaning, I went back upstairs to my closet and grabbed my "Spencer box" off of the shelf. I sat down on the floor, Chief lying next to me, and was taken back in time when I opened the box.

Movie tickets from our first date, pictures of us throughout the years, dried flowers from our wedding, the jewelry bag that held our wedding bands; ten years worth of memories laid inside this grey box. I felt tears fall down my cheeks as I picked up each item and remembered the moment and memory it represented. I picked up a picture of Spencer and I from when we moved into our apartment in Atlanta. I traced my fingers across the photo and smiled as the memory of that day flooded my mind.

"I miss you."

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"What are you doing here?" Haley asked as I walked into our office.

"Well, hello to you too," I said, setting my bags down next to my desk. Haley got up from her desk and walked across the room to mine.

"Caroline, what are you doing here?" Haley gently asked again.

"Working."

"Seriously, C. Take the day off, go home, go see your family, something."

"I just need to get my mind off things for a while. I can't sit in my house all day long, I'll go crazy. Besides, I only plan on being here until lunch and then I'm getting Chief and we're going to Dahlonega."

"I just know that today is a hard day for you, and I want to make sure you're okay and that you're taking care of yourself."

"I'll be okay, I promise," I reassured my best friend.

Before Haley could say anything else, my phone started buzzing on my desk. I looked over and saw his name across the screen. I sent him to voicemail and turned my phone face down.

"He misses you ya know."

"Well, he shouldn't have cheated on me."

"And I agree, but you should have given him a chance to talk. I've known Chase for a long time and I've never seen him light up with anyone else the way he lights up when he's with you. He'd do nothing to hurt you or to ruin what y'all have. Trust me on that," Haley softly smiled at me and then walked out of the office, leaving me with my thoughts.