Dreams

Chapter 23.

Anakin's POV

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I moved things. I cleaned things. I put things away.

I moved things. I cleaned things. I put things away.

I did it again.

And I did it again.

And I tried not to think.

I tried not to think about the pain in my leg.

I tried not to think about the pain in my heart.

I tried not to think about anything, except the task at hand.

I moved, cleaned, and put things away.

I continued my motions, working on automatic mode and trying not to think. I didn't want to replay my meeting with Obi-Wan because it hurt. I didn't want to remember trying desperately to find Padmé because it was painful. I didn't want to think about the mess that lay around me because it was my fault. I didn't want to know.

But I did think about it. I kept thinking about it.

"Don't go, Obi-Wan," I had pleaded in my mind, grabbing his hand, trying to tell him what words couldn't seem to say. But he had left.

"Where are you, Padmé?" I had begged, wildly searching for her. But I couldn't find her.

"If I had been faster, I might have stopped that bomb from blowing up," I had reprimanded myself. But I hadn't. And it had blown up.

And I felt awful.

I dropped the chunk of floor I had been carrying, then collapsed to my knees beside it, ignoring the squeal in my leg. I must have landed on it earlier. The doctors said it was badly bruised but not broken. It hurt.

I sat on my knees, nearly blinded by own my thoughts and troubles. I could barely see the floor right in front of me. I could hardly feel its soft carpet beneath my knees. Was I sad? Well, yes. Was I afraid? I suppose so. Was I angry? I guess I was annoyed at myself. But mostly, I was numb. I was just numb. Any emotions that had poured through me now flowed like a gentle stream, washed along by the overwhelming current of nothingness.

I was vaguely aware of voices around me, but I didn't have a clue what they were saying. They could have been speaking Twi'leki for all I knew. They faded in and out as swells of dizziness washed over me, spilling across the numbness that had frozen just about everything else. I assumed my heart was still beating. It was in that moment that I truly appreciated involuntary functions.

Then one voice sliced through all the rest, splitting the ice inside and sending cracks shooting across its surface: the voice of my master.

"Anakin." It sounded far away and muffled, but I could definitely hear it. At least he was speaking Basic.

A warmth started to thaw the coldness as I felt a touch to my flesh hand: someone was holding it. I liked that. I felt safe. I felt happy. I felt okay.

"Anakin," his voice was soft and gentle, unlike it had been before. Before, he had wanted my attention and had raised his voice accordingly. But now, he seemed to think he had it, so he was speaking gently, quietly.

"Anakin, open your eyes. Look at me," he instructed softly.

My eyes flickered open to look at him. I didn't even realize they had closed. Then I frowned slightly when I realized something else: I wasn't outside the Council room anymore. I was in the medical ward.

I glanced across at Obi-Wan, who was sitting next to me, holding my hand. I felt like a ten-year-old boy who had just freshly left Tatooine and had ended up in the medical ward for the first time. I could still remember that first experience.