Blabbermouth

Potential

I like to think that everyone in this world has potential. Everybody. To be somebody, that not everyone can recognize. Someone that has potential buried deep underneath.

Until now I gave two people a chance, both resulted in two different stories. But I believe that I grew as a person due to experiencing these things. One was a crush (I doubt it was more) and something just like it, the second thing was way more confusing though. Would you like to know more about how these relationships unfolded?

No? Then stop reading, please xD

Yes? Okay.

The first story takes place a few years back. I was younger and a whole load more stupid (but let's leave that for later). The guys from my grade (under the influence of older grades, I am positive) always proclaimed that we had to play "Spin the bottle" and kiss before it meant something. Which is in theory pretty stupid. My old and current self agrees on that one for sure. Joking, we are still the same person xD Personally, I would say a kiss means something no matter how old you are. You just call it differently: I would not call it to love when you are in kindergarten or still that young. It is why I call my first story a "crush", even though I was about thirteen. Before I was sure into boys from my grade, but that was before I realized he existed. It was through an everyday encounter where he surprised me (to keep me from dying on the inside and to protect his privacy, I will not elaborate on the exact moment as it is too personal). That was when I started to get interested in the basic boy from the grade below mine: brown hair, brown eyes, standard face. You would not notice him in a crowd of people. But that was what drew me to him. There was something indescribable about him. And this is why I call it potential. I think I saw a good person in him that was probably never romantically attracted to me as I was going through a haaard tomboy-phase back then. But what if...

we met again now? I guess we could never start over as the first impression counts for a lot and I seriously messed it up. Additionally, if he cannot love me for my inner value then why am I even thinking about him at all. I do not much actually. Not anymore. It stopped about a year after he moved countries. I would say we got to be friends back then; we teased each other and had stand-offs. But I think he never got me and me...

did I know him at all? I think I should have trusted my gut more. It told me over and over again to stand up for my dignity more and stop being that reckless. Yet, even if he never much saw me as a girl, more like a smart learning machine, I guess this recklessness that exceeded my dignity must have interested him. At least when he was bored. And this is where I draw the line right now: if a person only ever wants to talk to you when they are bored, then they are not worth it. If they care about you, they will talk to you no matter how much they think they have on their plate.

So no. I guess there could never be feelings between us again and it might be best like that. He never cared much about me anyway, but trapped in my fantasies and being head over heels for him...I did not care that he did not care. If that makes sense. I wanted to love him. No matter if he did not. Well, it would have been nice if he did, still I remember a quote that said something along the lines of: "if you love someone, tell them and show them. If they do not accept your love, it does not matter. Your love belongs to you and it is your choice on how to act on it. Just do not regret never saying a thing, because then you never know what could have been." Do not worry, I never told him I liked him (in person at least). And this is where my stupidity starts.

I got you hooked now, don't I? Let's start with the moment my best friend told me he (let's call him Liam for privacy reasons) was going to move (for the record the best friend was also Liam's best friend and is still one of the closest people ever to me, just like family). I was so troubled. The last time we performed together, the last time I would see him before the summer break, the last time to see him before he moved across the world. I even drew Liam pictures I found on his new Instagram (heads up, I still wish I never had Instagram to begin with to never see him again, it only troubles me). When I was this extremely vulnerable, I let a friend talk me into something I still regret to this day. Well, she talked me into downloading Instagram too for that matter. But she pressured me into texting him months after he was gone. Because I missed him.

Now do not get me wrong: friends can give great advice, but if I learned one thing: never, ever, let them pressure you to do anything. If you do not want it, then tell them no. Otherwise, you just end up with regrets and I regret how this and the other story ended. Both through peer pressure combined with my loneliness/stupidity and gullible personality that could never draw straight lines saying: further I will not go. And if your friends do not accept your decisions, then please get real friends. I am very happy to have found mine. Those I can trust completely.

I texted Liam and after a while, only through this friend again, I even confessed I liked him. This turned our friendship into something so awkward that we did not text for years. Liam got a new phone, never sent me his new number (I would have done the same thing in his shoes seriously) and only texted me half a year back or something of the sort. Out of boredom. And every time I see his Instagram feed I feel shitty for having been this gullible. I do not actually want to see it anymore, but yet I do.

It's complicated, but I doubt it was ever love. It was interest and peer pressure. These are the main contents of this first story.

I will sum up the second "relationship" way shorter as it still confuses me to this day. My best friend, let's call her Roxy, (quick disclaimer: if you are reading this "Roxy" please do not be insulted by the name xD) got acquainted with some English folk. Boys our age she talked to through a group chat. At some point, I would say out of boredom too, she introduced me to them. And I started texting with one of them (who I will call Peter). I guess my stupidity lies buried in the decision to ever get involved in her business and online friends. This talking got more and more intensive over the course of a few months. We even confessed our love to each other online (I am cringing so hard right now _._).

I guess we were both lonely and needed someone to talk to and listen to. It was not all bad though. His musical talent started to affect me and made me get immersed way more in writing lyrics and improving my singing skills. I am still glad he showed me how much I love music and for the record that Jazz is way cooler than I ever anticipated. Roxy and he are still friends to this day as far as I recall so a shoutout to him at this point if he ever reads this. I do not care much honestly. It is nice to let go of all this baggage I carry around with me. Oh, and my English improved loads too, so I guess thanks?

The second one was way shorter I know, but it is due to the fact, that right now (years later) I feel like this was not even a crush. I was not attracted to his appearance I can tell you this much, but the person I got to know. The creative one. Who has great potential as a musician. So I guess what I would tell you: love can only ever develop if you see the whole person in front of you and if he/she does too. I will go on my way then seeing the potential, the colors on the inside of people ;)