a reason for being | jung jaehyun

twenty

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟐𝟎

- 잃어버린 터치 - 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡

📘

WHEN SEONMI WOKE UP, much too late in the morning compared to usual, the pounding sensation in the back of her head and in her temples. she groaned, keeping her body unmoving in its curled-up position in the thin hospital sheets. she winced every now and then at the tightness occupying her temples, furrowing her eyebrows in response and curling her body more into the bed.

she had very slight recollections of what happened last night, but the moment her eyes landed on the various gifts and decorations sprawled across the room, her paled face lit up. the clock across the room was ticking, its usual rhythmic pulse was resonating much louder than usual. every one of seonmi's senses felt elevated in a way that was out of her control. the lights burned her eyes, her skin felt hot, her mouth dry, her nose stuffy, and ears nauseatingly sensitive.

"ugh," she groaned once more. it took all of her energy to sit up in bed, and the moment she did, she pressed her back against the headrest and shut her eyes once more. 

so this is what a hangover feels like? she thought to herself. she sighed. this sucks.

since it was the weekend, her schedule wasn't as busy at it would've usually been. she still had a few other things to do — get her airways cleared by a nurse and do some physiotherapy in group sessions for a bit — but other than that, seonmi vowed to make today a rest day.

as a patient with cystic fibrosis, seonmi often got tired easily. it wasn't a surprise to feel unwell, she felt that way everyday. it was natural, but today felt a little different. with a dry cough and shivers raking their way throughout her muscles, the girl extended her hand towards the remote sitting besides her bed and turned the television on. slowly, she glanced at the clock — 11:28. at 12, she would see a nurse to clear her airways, and at 1, other patients would gather in the courtyard to do some yoga and light-intensity exercises. 

there it was, on the screen — a performance from one of seonmi's most favorite ballet's: the nutcracker seonmi was always fascinated by not only its soundtrack, but the effortless daintiness in the way the ballerina's and ballerino's danced across the stage.

watching ballet shows always brought out a sense of comfort and nostalgia. it was the environment she'd always felt most accepted in, most needed and wanted for. she sighed, clutching the sheets in her quivering grip as the pas de deux continued between the nutcracker prince and the plum fairy.

seonmi smiled every now and then. she adored how smooth their moves were, how they were so mechanized to perfection that even she, a ballerina herself, couldn't even point out any errors in their dances. it was so elegant, she couldn't help the joy fused with sheer pain diffusing throughout her chest.

but at the same time, the pain didn't feel like heartbreak from ballet. it was something else. 

in the midst of her concentration on the television screen, seonmi zoned out. she began to gather her thoughts back to last night. for some reason, last night or whatever events happened during it felt wrong. 

seonmi knew she was allowed to like jaehyun. she'd liked him for so long, but was only now starting to come out of the denial. but, something about it felt taboo, as though their definite relationship as doctor and patient should've forbidden any romance from happening. as though the things he did for seonmi were strictly because of his job. it was his duty to care for her, just as  he'd said the night before on the rooftop.