come over when you're sober - dreamnap

push it ! - wido

pack, smoke the pack
2020 vision all i see is me real bad
needle in my bag
needle on my hand, push it through my vein

11:09 pm
xxx

the upbeat hyperpop is already tiring me out and i've barely even bust through the door yet. people are throwing up in bushes and passing out on the front lawn despite the early hour. eleven pm is early. at least if you ask me.

as soon as i enter the crowded house a strange concoction of different smells hit me. there's the sweet wafts of weed, but also a sour stench of teenage sweat. neither of the two variants are really unfamiliar to me. i'm used to these kinds of social events by now.

the difference is that this time i don't recognize a single face. sure, i've spotted some kids from my high school, but they're the kind of people i'd never share a word with. no average joe from there would go to a party like this in the hills. we host our own gatherings down in the valley. feels more homely that way.

the further i step into the hot hell, the more i start to regret coming here. my eyes are desperately searching for some drinks. i need to get fucked up as fast as possible. that was the only reason i went in the first place, to get drunk and high on whatever shit i can get my hands on. not to socialize and have fun. i just have to get away for a bit, away from all my problems in this piss world. away from the pain.

i snake through a group of girls chatting in the kitchen to get to the booze. they lower their voices, observing me from head to toe as i pass by. i run a hand through my dirt blonde, wavy hair and throw a glance back at them, creating a sea of giggles amongst the friends.

i'm not exactly bad looking and i know that. girls love me. i've dated quite a few since the beginning of high school, but none of the relationships were fulfilling to me. it just never felt right somehow. i was about ready to give up on sex and love completely, but then i slept with a guy for the first time.

and everything fell into place.

i'll always enjoy the mindless flirting though, and of course the constant looks i get when i walk into the room. i'm not afraid to be in the center of attention. quite frankly i love it.

when i've grabbed a cup containing some cursed mix of liquors, i make my way into the living room and past the dance party currently taking place in front of the tv. i'm scouting for an empty corner, or a lonely spot next to the wall to stay by. usually the introverts and the plugs hang around there. perfect for a night like this when all i need is silence and drugs.

all the strangers blend together like cheap paint in the dim lighting, but as i walk down the hallway one in particular stands out. he's leaned back against the wall, a hand in his pocket and the other holding a red solo cup. his jeans are oversized and ripped, the white t-shirt a little big too. fluffy strands of light brown hair graze his forehead. he doesn't look like a lost puppy among the crowd, but he's definitely here alone.

i know his face, but i don't know his name. the reason why he caught my eye is because i vaguely recognize him from school. he isn't in any of my classes but i've seen him pass by in the halls. i remember thinking he's really cute.

one time he smiled at me, and i swear my heart skipped a beat. i felt like a middle school girl having her first crush. usually i would've approached the person and chatted them up straight away if i found them interesting, but something about this boy made me shy away.

maybe it's just cause he's not a girl. maybe i'm afraid of being rejected and outed as the gay kid. yeah, that's probably it.

should i take a chance now? i could always blame it on the booze if something goes wrong.

as my mind has a panicked debate, he spots me standing and staring awkwardly in his direction. those glowing eyes of his meet mine, and he quickly lights up into the sweetest little smile. i smile back.

my heart does that thing again.

xxx

eating all the styrofoam
you know that your lies are wrong
pressing keys, end of the world
gods on me, crushed on a wall