YouTube is where it all started- A Dan Howell Fanfic

Chapter 5

Hey, so I'm this chapter, it does include self half and depression so if you are uncomfortable please don't read. Thanks ☺️

The letter wrote:
" Hey Alice.
I know. You must hate me. What happened 2 years ago changed our friendship for the worst. I didn't mean for our friendship to end really I didn't. You must also think I hate you too. I don't. Alice you were my best friend. You knew me better then anyone else ever has. No one couldn't replace you.
Really I've been scared to talk to you. I kept thinking if I did talk to you and try to sort out what happened you would still hate me. I hope you don't hate me :) maybe one day we could be friends again? I'm not saying go straight back to best friends, but maybe friends?
Oh yeah I hope you have an awesome birthday. You deserve it! Enjoy your summer too.
From Lola xo"

She apologised. I can't believe she finally did it. I should call her. But not now, that would be a little weird. She is my best friend.. Was my best friend.

I opened my side draw and put the letter back in there. Lying back on my bed, a smile crept on my face. I could have a friend again. But first all I need to do is get my birthday over and done with. Normally my mum makes a big deal over my birthday, and since I'm turning 18 it will be a big deal.

I could go over to Lola's house. That's if she still loved there. We could talk. Get things sorted. Could be nice to have a friend again. Maybe tomorrow. Or after my birthday. Yeah after my birthday.

The door unlocked and mum and Lotty walked through. Lotty is so loud when coming up stairs.

"Hey Alice" she said while jumping on my bed like normal

"Hey, how was school?"

"It was okay, it's school" she laughed and fell back onto the bed "I know what mums got you for your birthday"

"Oh, you do?" I hope it's the camera "and what's that?"

"I can't tell you, mum said not to" her hand covered her mouth

"Go on tell me, mum will never know"

"Nope!" She sprung up from the bed and ran out the door

"So close" I plugged my phone Into the speakers and played some music. Hm. Fall out boy? Yeah

"Put on your war paint!" I sang along with the lyrics, dancing around my room

"You are a brick tied to me that's dragging me down
Strike a match and I'll burn you to the ground
We are the jack-o-lanterns in July
Setting fire to the sky
He-here comes this rising tide
So come on"

I spun around to see my mother standing In the door way of my room. I walked over to the speakers and turned down the volume

Alice, I've been calling you, turn down this, this music" She points towards the speakers with a disgusted look on her face

"Mum it's just music, it makes me happy! What's so bad about it?"

"Turn it down" She turned on her foot and walked away.

Why can she not see that music makes me happy. Ugh! I turned the music back up slightly and fell onto the bed. Why can't I have a normal family. A normal life.

I carried on to sing the lyrics.

"Hey young blood
Doesn't it feel like our time is running out?
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix
You're wearing our vintage misery
No, I think it looked a little better on me
I'm gonna change you like a remix
Then I'll raise you like a phoenix"

This is the song from Fall Out Boy which made me love them. They're music is different to what everyone listens to at College. But I don't mind, it's different. I'm different. I like it.

"Alice?" I pushed myself up onto one elbow and saw Lotty walking towards my bed.

"Yeah Lotty?"

"Mum got you a camera, but shh" She placed her finger over her lips

"I will. Shhh" I copied her actions "I'm going to try and sleep for a little bit"

"Okay" She smiled and skipped out of my room.

I shut the blinds, turned off the lights and crawled into my bed. Cocooning myself in the blanket I shut my eyes and drifted off into a sleep.

My body jolted forward as I woke up. Sweat dripped off my forehead. Tears were running down my face. I ran towards the bathroom and splashed some water over my face. Why do these keep happening. Everytime I get a nightmare. I raised my head and stared at the person in the mirror. My eyes were red. My body was boiling hot. I was still shaking. Walking backwards I hit the wall and slid my back down. Tucked my knees to my chest and cried.

I wish it would all be over.

I could hear voices. Telling me to kill myself. I'm worthless. I tried to talk them away but it wouldn't do anything. The shaking got worse and I carried on to cry. I could be too loud. Mum would hear me. Or worse Lotty could. I can let either of them know that I do get depressed. Or that I get bullied. I looked up and saw my razor sitting in the side of the sink. I stood up and picked it up. I know doing this isn't the right thing but it's the only way. I rolled up my sleeves and held a tight grip in the razor. As a tear ran down my cheek I ran the razor along my wrist. Little whimpers escaped from my mouth and the tears kept going. I ran it across my skin one more time.

I took a cloth and dabbed along the cuts across my wrists. Soaking up the blood which ran down my arm. My breathing slowed down.

I wish this never happened.

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This chapter was a little sad yeah.
Depression is a horrible thing
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