The People You Never Get To Love

Flannels and a MCR T-Shirt

"I'll see you guys tomorrow, I have to catch the train."

It's a sentence I say on a near-daily basis to my peers whom I consider my closest friends and almost always it was reluctant. My home was further away from the place of education in which we all sought knowledge under the same roof, due to my lack of private transportation I resolved to take the cheap public transportation that I spend 2 hours on daily. I had once longed for on-campus housing but my parents were against me moving away from home, much to my deep dismay. The station was a short walk from the faculty building, just enough for me to put on my earphones and blast whatever playlist I was in the mood for - that afternoon it was mellow and peaceful, it had been a good day and I was in good spirits with the soft wind contributing to the soft glow of the afternoon sun. I had reached the station just minutes before the next train to my stop arrived, a bit of luck that I had been blessed with numerous times. 

It was the rattling of the platform that signaled the arriving train as the sky above steadily turned a spectrum of colors to greet the moon and the stars. I stood up from the bench like many others around me, a crowd of mostly university students with a similar shared air of exhaustion and longing for another destination. The sheer number of educated minds gathered in that station was not an unusual thing, with the train's temporary resting place being near the grounds of the forest-like campus. The train's velocity fell from rushing river to a snail-like pace to a full complete stop. A glimpse of the interior of the train from the clear windows gave me an indication that not many were inside, I hoped silently that a corner seat was still available and mine for the taking. 

The steel doors slid open with satisfying ease as I hurried my pace to the last remaining corner seat, beating out a few glaring students who settled in other seats. I placed my bag at my feet, hands curling around the soft case of my phone as the music playing in my ear was reminiscent of the coffee shop I often frequented, setting an almost chill vibe as the train left the station once more. Outside, the world blurred together in a setting that I could only describe as picturesque.  I turned my phone over, my thumb running over the polaroid that I tucked between the glass back of the phone and the slightly yellowing transparent case. My face was smiling back at me as I posed happily with my best friend, both of us with little to no care in the world. I didn't realize I was smiling along to the memories until I looked up to see my reflection in the window that was placed behind her.

Her dark red hair was pinned into a messy ponytail, soft curls falling at the sides, framing her face in an almost purposed way. Like me, her ears were covered by earphones as a paper bag lay at her feet. I didn't see her come in my vicinity but there was something about her that drew my attention. She glanced up at me, pine green eyes piercing into my soul as her lips quirked up to a small confident smile. The flannel shirt she wore hung over a My Chemical Romance t-shirt, a detail I noticed just as The Ghost of You started playing around me. My eyes flitted to the side quickly as I tried to hide my gradually reddening cheeks which were proven to be difficult due to my pale cheeks. I tried to be inconspicuous in my actions as I leaned down to tie my loosened shoelaces, straightening my back once more in hopes of catching another glimpse of her. The wink she sent me created almost an instant effect on my blood as it rushed to my cheeks, creating a shade of red as the t-shirt I wore that day. I've never seen her before, despite being a frequent passenger on the train at that hour but I was intrigued by her air of confidence and coolness. 

The young male beside her leaned over to her tapped her shoulder, pointing to the moving letters on the LED hanging above the door next to me, the fluorescent red letters flashing the name of the next place the train would stop. She nodded hesitantly before she took his hand, suddenly a flash of worry appeared in her eyes. Almost instantaneously, I had a bad feeling on the situation, the way his hand was wrapped a bit too tightly around hers. My hands quickly grazed my bag's zipper line before finding the cool metal at the side. The harsh feeling of sharp book corners cutting into my skin didn't slow down my desperate search for my wallet. I had found the leather surface mere moments before the train fell to a slower pace. The chance to take out my wallet didn't even dawn on me as I unzipped it within my bag to pull out a small rectangle of a thick paper. The doors opened and she was pulled along by the one with her, paper bag roughly carried in her arms. I had lost the chance to call out for her as the doors shut just as I could reach them. In my hand, the golden letters flashed back up at me with my name and contact number. It was unimpressive for a law student to have one but I never thought that it could have had the chance to be passed on to another who needed help. My fingers curled around it as I trudged back to my seat in a certain resolve, some people looking at me curiously as if I had grown a third eye. 

I scour the trains daily after that, in hopes to find her once more and yet I never have. Part of me wishes I had been faster, maybe placed my wallet and name card in a more convenient place. Maybe then she could have had a way to reach me and maybe then she would find someone who can treat her without creating such fear that wavered her confident smile.