Troyler: high school troubles

Chapter 12: youre a dick.

Troyes POV:

A/N this is gonna be a kind of triggering chapter with self harm and stuff. So yea just wanted to get that out the way.

Unknown number:
Hey Troyeboy ;)

This simple text has instantly made me happier. He cares. He texted me. Of course it's tyler, he's the only one who calls me Troyeboy. But what if he is act silly doing this as a joke? I know I'm probably just getting parniod. I should be safe though rather than sorry right? I can't text him back straight away. That'll make me seem needy. I'm not needy. I'll prove to him im not.

I carry on with my dull walk home with a certain lilac haired boy..

When I get home no ones there's. That's strange. Normally everyone would be here. I check my phone to see if there's any texts.
One message.
Sage: we've all gone out to see relatives, won't be back till 10 at least.

So my family went out without me. Not surprising. They all hate me anyway. I'm just there awkward fuck up of a son/brother. The bad thoughts continue. I look up at the clock, only 6. I'll go on tumblr to try take my mind off things. 5 tumblr minutes later I look back at the clock. 8o'clock. Shit!! I haven't texted tyler back. I mean if he does actually like me then he won't anymore because I'm too stupid and I forgot to text him back. I guess I can just pretend I never saw the text till now. I really hope he replies. He said he is always on his phone. So if he doesn't ripely then he hates me, right?
I send him a simple text of Tilly? I mean I can't be certain it is his number. So I'll have to check. Oh who am I kidding? Of course it's him, I didn't meet anyone but him today and he's the only person ever to call me Troyeboy. Maybe that text was too simple? What if it was. Actually maybe I shouldn't of texted back. Did I do the right thing or not?! Tilly is stupid. Not him but just sending Tilly, I need to say something else.
I send him ' today was surprisingly fun, wasn't it?'
I was debating putting a winky face at the end of it but that would be really flirty. I can't do that!! I don't even like this tyler guy.

I'm not even gay.

8:30 still no reply. He's always on his phone rights? Always, he said always. He's ignoring me.. Or maybe something bad has happened.
I send another text 'are you okay? You haven't replied yet..'
What if he's not okay? What would I do then. Nothing Troye. Nothing. I've known this guys less than I day and he's the school bully I can't like him even as a friend!

More and more bad thoughts get into my head.

9o'clock I send yet another text 'you know we don't actually have to be friends..'

What was I actually thinking? Who wants to be friends with me? I'm a fuck up. A freak. I'm fat and ugly. I'm not even a nice person. Who fucking hates you Troye! Everyone does. Even your family. All of them. It's the world against you. Tyler doesn't give a shit about you. Just give up.

9:30 the last text was sent 'yeah I give up..'

I then turn off my phone. If he does reply I don't want anything to do with him. Ive got at least half an hour before my family comes back. That gives me time.

*just saying its triggering from here onwards*

I walk up to my room. People don't understand what this is like. Once upon a time my whole world was colourful. But it's lost it's colour and I live in black and white. That's how it is. There's the constant numb feeling. It's like I can't feel anything. It's like I can't be happy again. Not properly happy. I can fake to be happy but not the happy little boy I was a few years ago. It's like I'm trapped. I don't have control over what I'm doing. I get to my bedroom door and open it. The house is silent and the door makes a loud creaking sound. I turn on the light and my room starts to glow. I walk further into my room and go into my bathroom. I find the light switch and turn that on as well. The first thing I see is myself. The thing I hate most in the world. Nobody could ever hate me as much as I do myself. My hair sticks up everywhere and never looks right. I'm too pale. I take off my jumper which instantly shows my ribcage. My bones all sticking out in awkward angles, it's like you could snap me in half.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I walk towards my cabinet and take out my razor. I pop out the blade. I look down at my pale scarred arms. Yeh little white lines scattered up and down both arms. No body has ever realised them before. I never cut deeply on my arms. I don't want people to know. Then I won't be able to do it anymore. This is my happy little pill. I need to do this to feel something. I don't want to be numb.

I look down at the blade. I didn't realise but I'm shaking. Like a lot, I take the blade across my wrist. I watch at the blood droplets start to form and then as it starts to trickle down my arm. I do this again and again and again until both of my wrists are covered in little red lines.

Some people may find this stupid. I need this though. It's my only way to feel anything. How would you like to not be able to feel anything?
It's fucking horrible okay!!

More blood trickles down my arms.normally it would of stopped bleeding by now.. I cut a bit deeper than normal. Great. I'm guess I'm going to be skipping PE for a while.

Take the rest of my clothes off and turn on the shower so I can wash off the blood. Once it gets to the right temperature I jump in. The cuts start stringing and that's when I feel best. It's seems crazy that I'd rather hurt myself than hurt other people, but that's how I am I guess. I would rather be in hurting myself. The blood rolls off my arm and down the drain. I just watch it, it's actually kinda interesting. It's weird thinking that I did all of this to myself and I hate thinking like that. I try hard not to. It's not like anyone needs to know so no one else can judge me about it. Except me of course. I'll always be judging myself.

I get out of the shower and dry my arm first before drying the rest of me. It hurts to touch but that's the point. It's meant to hurt. I put on some sweats and a baggy jumper before going down stairs to get my phone. All of my family are back now. Great. Hopefully I won't get questioned. I walk down the stairs as quietly as i possibly can. Not quiet enough though..
"Troye darling how was school today? Why were you home so late? Did anything happen? Do you have any questions?" My mom asks me as soon as I get to the bottom step.
"Good. Because it takes ages to walk. Nope and no again" I say quickly while trying to find my phone.
"You can tell us anything you know Troye?" She says.
She's acting weird again. I spot my phone and grab it, I start heading back to the stairs when mom grabs my arm.
"FUCK" I shout rather loudly. I'm fine with causing the pain myself but I wasn't expecting her the fucking. Just shit!! Fuck. She's going that something's up.
"TROYE SIVAN MELLET WE DO NOT USE THAT SORT OF LANGUAGE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD GO TO YOUR ROOM" she shouts at me.

Thank god she let me go to my room in peace. I look down at my arm. The blood started to sep through my jumper.. Great. At least I didn't have to talk to her. I check my phone for the time, 11o'clock. Then I realise.

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A/N this took me ages to write and it's not even that good or long. Sorry I'm trying to get better at writing this and stuff and trying to make the chapters longer but I'm really busy. Kay ily BAII.