Help me

Dear me

Isn't it funny that I feel like I should apologize for existing. I'm so sorry for being annoying and loud even if I don't say anything. I'm so sorry that my presence annoys u that much. But guess what I might be leaving. In ur mind I bet u feel relief, but ur face says otherwise.

I'm kind of tired of fighting. For once I want to be fought for. Honestly I'm so fed up of crying and pretending that's everything is ok and trying to hide the fact that I'm dying inside.

Isn't it weird that I feel like I am down graded it feels like no one expects me to do something anymore. They always think lower of me. They don't care about what I think. They always say that they want to help me achieve and listen to what I think. But no one in this school actually cares. They don't. They don't try. Except some people.

You know it kinda hurts when u realize you aren't as important to someone as you thought u were. Isn't it sad when you get hurt so much,you can finally say"I'm used to it " like  honestly you only know my name. Not my story.

Idk somethings different. It feels like I'm done being bossed around. After all the problems I've been through, it feels like I don't want to be part of it. I get so moody from the tiniest problem. I'm normally not like this. The more they say don't the more I'll do it. Something's changed I don't know why but all I know is I'm done.

This feeling has been with me from my second week of school. Idk something has changed. It feels like I'm not welcomed or not wanted anywhere. But don't get me wrong there are things that stayed the same. I'm getting this specific vibe from someone close to me. Idk why, she doesn't want me around or why she's always such a bitch or moody but when theirs no one around . It feels like she needs me.

It feels like this "love" is just an act. To screw with my head and something different is going around behind my back. This friendship doesn't even feel like it's a friendship it feels like an enemy but close.

This doesn't feel like a coincidence it feels like it's planned and the saddest part it's someone close to u. Someone you've trusted for a very long time and just to ruin that trust or just to ruin our friendship and love. It's just this....this doesn't feel right . But I always feel it. I feel a cold spine behind me back and I don't like it. Everything is such a blur. Idk. What to do sometimes.

For some reason this year is the year I see thing a bit more clearly . I see things from a different angle. Like right now if I could pick a school I could go to I'll definitely pick a boarding school. 20hrs away from my house by plane. I feel like I'm always in prison no matter if I'm in school or at home.

I wonder if every single family had to go through what I go through everyday. I wonder if the pain still sticks with them as they grow up or maybe they overcome them. Do those people ever forgive their parents or do they hold the grudge until their older. Do some children get threatened by their parents I'm just wondering. I wonder if any of the parents feel guilt. Do they feel guilty after what they've done?

But I get it. No family is as narcissistic as mine. No family is as self absorbed as mine. No family is as crazy as mine. Because no parents in the world would ever hit their children only for being over weight. No parent in the world hit their children only because they didn't put the clothes where they wanted it to be . No parents would only get mad if their child was trying to defend themselves . They always think that they're the ones who think that I'm the wrong ones. They also think that I have no brain and other things.  I tell the truth normally. I do. But only because I lied once. ONCE. That they hold that grudge.

What happens if  I held the grudge. Because as i remember she not only hit me once nor twice she hits me multiple times. Do they hate me because every time they shout and say I love u .
I NEVER BELIEVED IT. When they use the word I love u it feels like as if the word it self is meaningless.

This is where I don't get it.They shouted at me saying If I  do something wrong I'll kick u out the house. I asked my parents and begged my parents if I could go to boarding school and they say that I would miss them. But when I went a away  for a month without them. I didn't miss them at all. I miss my younger brother and my dogs and my cousin and they were the least of my problems.
See there , i didn't have depression I was happy all the time. The only times I was annoyed or a bit pissed was when they call me asking why I didn't call them or telling me why u got fatter.

WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME?

They're supposed to be my parents. Someone who looks out for me. Not break my hopes down to a million pieces. Until every single feeling of hope is gone. They're supposed to say I love u with care not to just say it as it means nothing.

In this school I always wanted to feel accepted for once I just wanted to fit in. But i always have a problem don't I. I will always do something to make me feel less of my self.

Why?

I actually don't know. Imagine a group of 5. There's always going to be an odd one out. But thing of it this 3 best friends with 1 close friend and one far friend and one of ur best friends picked the far friend and the close friend rather than be with u. Do u know how betrayal feels or being left alone cause I've been living this life again and again and again. My family isn't the only problem. I guess IM THE BIGGEST PROBLEM.

You might be saying Gwyneth don't say that. How am I supposed to deny it when it happens throughout my life. When you get to notice everything going on around you.

ITS NOT FUN. ITS NOT AMUSING.