Help me

I wish i was happier

So today I decided that I would lash out .....well I didn't really. Something just took over me. I felt so mad and sad at the same time and at that same moment I just had to let it out. To scream everything out. I just can't work like this. Coming out while somebody was blaming me for something I didn't think Off. I'm so sorry that I didn't think it through. I just remembered to wash my hair. Why ?? Why complain. I didn't come out of the house to heat u complain about everything to me.

Today is Sunday 18th March 2018. She said that I should see a photo. Don't I have at fucking right to say no. I said I don't want too see the photo. But then she lashes out about y I didn't want to see her photo and she also called me abnormal or a crazy person. Like who tf actually lashes out about a photo. Tell me who fucking lashes out about a fucking photo about my cousin. I didn't want to see the photo cause I don't like her. Why did u pull my mouth and and threaten me if I say no again u would slap me.  What if I told you the truth saying I don't like that kid. You would lash out even more telling me that she's so cute ur so abnormal. Thank you. For calling ur own child abnormal. Like honestly do u love me ur daughter or the adopted cousin. Cause to me it feels like you like the adopted cousin more and I'm totally okay with that. You call the person to control their mouth well it takes one person to recognize the other right? I don't get you. You call me rude but you taught me everything Ik. So thank you for being such a good role model. You said yourself when your drunk that I'm an exact replica of ur personality. So are u trying to say that you hate yourself.

Today is June 26th 2018, it's been a long time since I've wrote to myself. I normally list all the things that's shit in my life but for the very first time in a very long time I feel calm. The lonely feeling the sadness is still there but it's not over powering. It feels like I can control it nowadays. I feel like going to summer school  affected on how I see things. Because of that I appreciate everything that is given to me. Don't get me wrong I still lash out, I still get pissed and annoyed easily. But right now at this very moment I feel calm . And I hope it stays that way for awhile.

Today is July 5th 2018, I've been laying down on the bed thinking and I realized that I've always had the same smile for every occasion. Like at a point where a crush u have liked for 2 years doesn't like you back and they tricked you to believing that they liked you and on the Monday they tell ur friend it was all a joke, ur grand mother died on the  exact same weekend, When you go back to school with a smile trying to hide away all ur tears from the funeral and on the day u get back they say it's all a joke and they're watching u so intensely to get a reaction out of you but u have the exact same smile and saying it's okay I'm fine really and you just keep smiling building up all these bad thoughts in your head.  But you just force urself to be happy. I bet you they were all so surprised by my reaction because who tf is that calm. After your grandmother past away and u were given bad news and u were still saying it's okay I'm fine.
But hey I was depressed and I feel like I have anxiety and depression but not serious. Because I feel so self cautious and I think about everything in detail. But I am honestly proud of myself on how I handled things. Like I  broke down a couple of times with anger but it helped. Like at least I wasn't a fucking drama queen crying the hell out of my self let alone looks sad and depressed in school . I guess I just keep things in.

Today is 22nd July 2018 and I feel empty. I don't know why but I feel empty. Like I want to cry my heart out but I don't know for what reason. I wished I knew. For the past few days I've been feeling lonely. Feeling like I have to solve a problem but I don't know what's causing it. Well maybe I do but I don't know how to confront it. The scary thing is I can cry out of nowhere. Like I don't know why I make everything a fucking problem to me but it is. And I can't shout about it so I just fucking break down.

August 7th 2018 I cant believe my mum just accused me of something I clearly didn't do. Like dude if I said it I would've stayed quiet. Like what I remembered was when I showed u the phone. Telling me a story of something that didn't happen the way you said it. For me I don't remember saying Hong bao cause I rarely say it I still remember my little brother say present. And then I showed her the text message my grandpa sent me but no in my opinion she's still in denial. Maybe because of ur shock it's making a delusional story that I don't even recall doing. Yes the conversation went to the start but no one said that word. Like yes u stopped but I showed u the text and u said yes Open already texted you.
You don't like ur words being twisted is the same for me I don't like people putting words inside my mouth. So if I said I didn't say it I didn't. Cause if I fucking knew I said that I would've just stayed quiet cause I know I'm fucking guilty . Did I stay quiet??. Did I??.
I'm sorry but if I knew i was wrong I would've not said anything but that didn't happen. I still remember or I still recalled that day and I know I didn't say it. Maybe it's just ur paranoia talking. But I know I didn't and to be honest I don't care if u believe me or not cause at least I know what I said and I know I didn't say it.

August 14 2018. I feel so cautious and thinking that everywhere I walk I am being judged. I feel uncomfortably being in a place full of people I don't even know. At times i want to break down and cry but then people will start asking me question about why I do those things. I sometimes think of times where the world will be better without me because of all the shit people do to me. I miss summerschool, I miss not caring about anything.
At times I feel like I'm not stable with my own emotions and seeing other people happy makes me sick.

Today is 30 September 2018 and I had an argument with my mum and the first time in my life I actually thought of cutting myself. I don't know what got in to me. But the longer I take things in and just bottle it up the more unusual things I do. I actually saw myself trying to do it and it shocked me that I cried. I felt like I needed some other pain to attract to stop myself from doing it. I felt that every single word and thoughts that i said from the past that i wont do is starting to creep up my mind thinking maybe it isn't a really bad idea.
Trying to bottle up my anger is also hard. Because I am a type of person who doesn't like to be accused of something that didn't happened. Or accusing me of doing something when it wasn't the whole story. I hope life gets better Gwyn because rn u sure as hell is not enjoying any of it.
I feel as i go through 2018 and as it ends and my life is just starting to get better. It just falls back down. I never thought in my life that i would actually plan on cutting myself and for awhile i just stood there thinking if what happened to the Gwyneth i used to be. What happened to the girl who smiled at everyone the girl who wanted to make friends. Please tell me.
And again about the weight Gwyn it hasnt changed. Your weight problem is still the same. A couple of fries wouldnt kill you but woah no it is "poison".

Another thing u can put into ur diary that ur mother hates you . She has gotten mad at you 3 times today. I told her in the apartment that j didnt bring anythig and she said okay and now she asks for her card which i didnt bring.