30 Days with Fina

Day 30

30 Days with Fina by JellOfAllTrades
Chapter 30

It was in the early hours of dawn when I woke up from a dream, a dream wherein Fina is with me and is healthy. It was a good dream and I partly wish it was true. If she was healthy, I would invite her to Manila because she always wanted to see the capital city and I would tour her to the Ocean Park and in Luneta. We might even go see the National Museum, I know she would love that.

Taking her cold hands into mine, I look at Fina's face and saw her sleeping. Though I noticed that her chin is somewhat bloated. I frown, maybe its from the drugs or the oxygen mask. I should ask the doctor.

I stare at her for a minute, taking the bloatedness in. If she gets fat and gets a double chin, this would be what she looks like. I purse my lips, not really my type, but if its Fina we're talking about, I won't mind at all.

I squeeze her cold hands and suddenly felt that there's something wrong. I stare at Fina's chest and realized she's not moving. My heart starts to pound, I tried to feel for her pulse. Nothing.

"Fina?" I stood up, blood pounding in my ears. This can't be happening. "Fina? Gising ka muna, please?"

"Jell, bakit?" I hear Tita Nani's groggy voice from the couch.

"Tita, patawag po ng doctor?" I asked. "I think there's something wrong."

Tita Nani stood up and quickly left the room while I continued to try and wake Fina up. Shaking her cold hand and calling her name. "Fina, gising ka muna, please? Fina."

When the doctor came, I stepped away and let him do his job. He checked Fina's pulse and removed Fina's oxygen mask and listened--or maybe feel her breathing, I not exactly sure what he's doing. After that, he took his stethoscope and used it on Fina.

Maybe it was denial but when he said to the nurse to prepare the defibrillator, my breath hitched and my eyes grew wide. They won't use that unless the patient's heart has stopped.

The nurse dashed out and returned within a minute, in which the doctor has decided to perform CPR. At the nurse's return, she brought with her another doctor and the machine that I always see on movies when a character is in a near-death situation. And seeing that now, in real life, to be used on Fina, I only grew terrified.

They attached those wires on Fina and the machine's screen light up. We waited for Fina's heart rate to be shown but all there is on the monitor is a flat line. Nothing.

They applied the pads on Fina's chest and shocked her, but the line didn't rose nor fell. It remained flat. They shocked her another time but it was useless. Turning away, blood pounded in my ears and I tried to block away the noise. Tita Nani's sobbing, the doctor pronouncing Fina's death at 5:26 AM, and Tita Nani's pained howling for the death of her daughter.

I felt numb and hurting all at the same time and when I turned to look at Fina, she looks so peaceful and quiet in bed that she almost, almost looks like she's just sleeping.

I approach her and thought how much she resembles Sleeping Beauty in her position. Her body lying straight and her hands placed on her stomach.

Blinking, I remember what she said not so long ago. "Hindi ko naman kasi favorite ang Sleeping Beauty for any petty reasons."

"Sleeping Beauty," I whispered, suddenly realizing why that corny movie is her favorite.

Moving closer to her, I ignored the people in the room and gave Fina a kiss on the lips, willing her to wake up. Wishing her to open her eyes, see me and smile and then hug me. "Please, Fina. Wake up, prove to me that 'and they lived happily ever after' exists. Wake up, please."

But she never did and I left the room, ignored Tita Nani's calls and went straight to the seaside. I avoided the Letter C because that's the place where Fina had that puking episode and found myself staring at Pong Pagong from the distance.

I want to go home and let this awful feeling out but I can't because I don't have a home anymore. Fina is my home. The only reason why I survived Calauag and didn't notice the time pass by. Manila has long since subsided to be my home having realized how awful a person I am there.

I moved, taking my eyes away from the Letter C and Pong Pagong. As I crossed the pier, I looked at the people going on with their lives as if nobody died. Well, technically, nobody did. Because to them, Fina is a nobody. They don't know her, and she in return never knew these people. Even I don't know them and I know they don't know me, too. Well, maybe some of them recognize me as a Folloso but as myself, they don't.

Walking the length of the seawall, I reached the east end playground where Fina and I used to meet in. There are only a couple of kids playing in the swing because the sun is just about to rise and I ignore them, continuing to the end of the seawall where Fina and I used to sit and talk.

I hate this feeling of loss. It's like a part of me died inside and changed everything, but the truth is, nothing has changed, except you. Because you're the only one affected by someone's death. Everyone who knew Fina well are the only ones affected by her death, and everybody else in the world will continue on with their lives as if someone beautiful and smart and nice and kind have died. They won't be affected. Only us. Only me.

For the first time, I hated the waves crashing on the seawall just beneath my feet. I hated the soft sea breeze blowing at me and I hated the sun rising in the east, for it's rising meant a new day without Fina. And the sun just grew colder and the day sadder before it could even begin properly.

Letting the tears fall, I cried. Because Fina was important to me and she made me the happiest in such a short time. I was making plans for her in the future but all of it is a waste because she died and she left her parents, her friends, the children in the orphanage, and she left me.

Since I first met her in the Letter C, she managed to make my days better than all my life before her combined. In a month, she has turned from nothing into my everything and now she's gone and I have nothing.

I should have said it. I should have told her what I was feeling. Because now she won't be here to hear me say it. The words I once despised and the words I promised myself I would never say to any girl, ever.

Touching the ring that I gave Fina and she has made me hold on to until she leaves the hospital, I cried harder. Because maybe then on the hospital playground where she made me promise to hold on to it did she realize she won't be living long enough to get it back. Maybe she kissed me because she knew she won't get the chance to get her first kiss. I don't know.

I feel hollow because Fina filled me and with her passing she has emptied me.

I should have told her when I had the chance. Why I've realized it just now, maybe its because I was in denial. Because I wanted to maintain the playgirl status that I have and I was afraid of the great change. Maybe because I was scared of feeling it for the first time and I'm completely unprepared. But I know it now, there's no denying it but I'm already too late. Nothing I do or say will change anything because she's gone.

I don't know where she is now but I hope the wind would bring her my message. I hope heaven would let her know. 

Wiping the tears away and looking head high to the sea, I say the words I've been wanting to say.

"Fina, I love you."