talk.

𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐡

𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 

𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐫 

𝐢.𝐨.𝐢

𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐚𝐠𝐨

the pain in my head as finally subsided, but it still hurts when i move to quickly. this black eye isn't fading anytime soon, though. i talked with donghyuck over text last night. of course, he would drop me instantly if he found out who i am. i pass jeongin and hyunjin. they look to me, smirk and make retching sounds. a girl that sounds like serim giggles behind me. i try to ignore them. i move through the sea of students to try and enter the cafeteria. i grab my tray. i don't even look at what they're serving. johnny walks past me. he meets me eyes and smirks. he knows. they all do.

i roll my eyes. if i do what they want, i'm letting them win. i take a small portion of food, a bag of chips, and a soda. i sit at my normal table. near the edge of course. i twirl my noodles around my fork. i stare at them for a second. do i really want this? i could risk everything.

'don't do it.'

i block the voices out. it's been around a week since i've eaten anything except tylenol, excedrin and xanax. my stomach roars for food. i place the noodles in my mouth an chew. god, it feels so good. if these noodles were a person, i'd sleep with her. or him. 

someone walks behind me. i hear her whisper, "don't eat the chips. they'll make you break out." yeji. i mumble a tiny 'shut up.' she giggles. i hear her walk away. i eye the chips. i don't eat them.

after lunch, i go to my english class. these days, we've been having debates. you can request a topic and the students will share their thoughts. i normally space out during this time. i hear our teacher pull out a paper from the paper bag that has our suggestions, and kids start talking. i'm not a talker. this doesn't concern me.

before i know it, the class is over. suddenly, i feel someone's lips on my ear. the person blows. the person leaves. i shudder. without thinking, i rip a piece of my paper, scribble something and place it with the other suggestions. i leave the room as if nothing happened. i make a beeline to the bathroom. i lean over the toilet and force it all out.

it's been a week. i've lost fifteen pounds. my clothes hang off of me. i sit in my seat in english class. i balance my chin on my hand. i'm really tired. i haven't had that much energy for a while. my eyes close slightly when i hear my teacher pull something out of the bag. 

"suicide."

my eyes shoot open. crap. i didn't expect that it'd get chosen.

"i would prefer not to say my name, but it's something i have been considering for a while."